My 82 year old mum has lost her independence and is depressed

rafa11 · ‎19-12-2016

Hi

I really just want to know if anyone else has any other ideas. I will try not to ramble - my 82 year old mum is struggling with losing her independence. She still lives at home with my dad (married for 57 years). Her depression/anxiety goes back about 6 years when my oldest brother passed away (I do have another brother, however he lives 6 hours away and is "very busy"). In the same year my mum's sister also passed away. Although these events caused great sadness, mum seemed to cope, however ever since then she has "suffered" from a range of physical ailments - sore legs, indigestion, IBS, insomnia etc. I have taken her to every type of doctor possible and the only concrete diagnosis has been some kidney failure and some heart disease. My mum was always a very giving, social, independent woman. She loved going out every day and talking to people, she was always interested in what other people were doing. However in May this year she had a bad fall (a broken shoulder and bruising on her brain) and since then she has lost all confidence to do anything. My dad has taken over running the household (he tries very hard but has his own physical limitations) and my mum spends a lot of time lying down "feeling tired". When her friends visit she only talks about how miserable she feels. I have taken her to a geriatrician and psychiatrist, they have both told her to stay physically and socially active. She only saw the psychiatrist again last week, he doesn't think medication would help, it is more "cognitive apathy". My problem is mum is too scared to go out by herself now, she is worried about falling over again. She refuses to get a "wheely walker" as they are "for old people". She is such bad company now, her friends are beginning to stay away (or worse getting frustrated with her). I have suggested classes where community transport can come and pick her up. But her reply is the same as to most things is "I can't be bothered". However then she gets upset as she says she knows she is worrying me (I try very hard never to show this and always be positive) and she can't believe she has let herself get so low. I would do anything to help my mum - except going back home to live, I have a very lovely husband, but even he is getting frustrated with how much of my energy my mum takes up. I just want my mum back.

pipsy · ‎19-12-2016

Hi rafa. Your mum is obviously allowing the depression to rule her. She sounds quite down and is having problems with accepting her disability. With the brain injury, has it affected her memory, (my ex MIL) had a fall earlier this year and she was diagnosed with dementia. Her confidence before the fall was almost non-existent, but since then it has completely disappeared. With your mum's stubbornness being so strong, it's going to be almost 'mission impossible' getting her into any sort of program where she could be taught to walk using the walking aid, or trying to get her interested in joining any activities. Has her Dr suggested anything that may give her some ideas about re-joining anything? Would she be interested in purchasing an electric scooter? One of those might be more useful as the chances of falling off one would be pretty remote. Also with a scooter, she would regain her independence and you could get her to the point where she would possibly want to be with friends. It sounds as though she would like to rejoin her friends, but having to allow someone else to collect her could be what's stopping her. When someone as independent as your mother was, suddenly loses that independence, relying on others kind of goes against the grain.

Lynda

romantic_thi3f · ‎22-12-2016

Hi rafa11,

Thanks for your post.

Lynda/Pipsy has given you some great advice and I agree completely with what she's said.

The only thing that I have to add is that maybe your mum's reluctance to use the walker is part of a fear of losing independence. Often in elderly people they get scared that a walker means that independence is lost and soon a wheelchair and then a home. Of course this may not be the case and I don't mean to assume but I do think it could be a possibility.

You said in your post your mum really enjoyed talking to people and being interested in what others are doing. Is this something she can do from home; maybe via Skype or having people come around to her place? Helping her to see that she doesn't need to miss out from things can help; and hearing about what other people are doing may encourage her to want to leave the house again. Especially if she has friends that have struggled with broken bones in the past, as seeing that resilience in others may inspire her to find it in herself. The idea of a walker is a big deal but it could also give her so much more independence and the feeling of safety; that in itself might outweigh the thought of it's for "old people".

I also encourage you to revisit the psychiatrist. I personally am less inclined to think it's apathy and more inclined to think that it's the aftermath of her fall and the fear of falling again. I have personally seen psychiatrists 'dismiss' things quickly particularly if they've only had 1 consult. Although again I'm just assuming but thought I would show my perspective.