Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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Not coping caring for mentally ill husband and 3 young children

replies: 3

My husband and I have a 12 week old baby, and a 7 & 9 year old.my husband recently had a psychotic episode, his first one. He hallucinated a horrific motorbike accident and also hallucinated having rape and death threats against me and the kids. This happened over the course of two days and it wasn't until the end of the second day that I realised he had hallucinated everything it was very stressful for everyone as we had believed it all as well.my husband was assessed by psych service and sent home again with meds. It seemed that the episode was a result of him abusing his ADHD medication and combining it with alcohol my husband seemed to be much improved and it appeared that it was just a one off thing. He stopped his ADHD medication straight after the psychotic episode. Then a few days ago he got significantly worse again. Agitated, depressed, talking about voices in his head and how worthless he was. I was very concerned he might self harm I contacted cat team and he saw psych nurse and gp, and admitted to them that he had been secretly drinking again. He has had a drinking problem for a long time. He has repeatedly lied about getting help, as well as hiding his drinking, doing it in secret and lying about it. I am not coping at all. I don't know what is going on with him mentally- whether the drinking is causing it all, or if there is something else going on causing him to drink.i don't have any trust left in him :(I must sound like an awful person but I am so upset and angry with him that he just continues to lie to me.He had finally agreed to get some alcohol counselling, but I know he is lying to his gp and psychologist about the extent of his drinking as he is still in denial that he has a problem. I am crying every day. He is doped up to his eyeballs and it is awful to see, not to mention the loss I feel regarding our relationship and having to cope with 3 young kids. I feel like I am carrying my entire family on my shoulders. I am so sad and worried, yet I can't share any of it with my best friend - my husband.

Partner of 5 years has depression

replies: 4

My partner has just gone to the GP to get a referral for a psychologist & said he is struggling with depression. It is not clinical, he's not thinking of self harming but is very down, negative & finding it hard to function. He very much wants to be alone - 3 months ago he said he wanted "space" to sort out his head, saying he didn't know what he wanted out of life. He went to his parents for a bit and then spent 6 weeks at our unit by himself we have gone to therapy, and he said he wanted his own place for a while to process things, but hasn't organised it & now in our late 20s we're back at his parents. Lately, he has really detoriated - acting nasty, no empathy for anyone else - and spends a lot of time on computer games, YouTube & numbing out a lot. he doesn't want to be "mothered" but it feels like such an effort to even get him to make an appointment with the psychologist by himself. how can I support him without telling him what to do? How can I look after myself when his actions are making me so sad & impacting my mental health? i feel really out of my depth and need advice for how best to love him through this! Thank you xxx

Boyfriend with Depression - and I have anxiety

replies: 4

I met my boyfriend one year ago. I was aware he had depression but in the beginning of dating everything seemed fine. Six months in my boyfriend was admitted to hospital. It was extremely rough, I was dealing with my first almost successful semester of university. That first time was so rough, I almost broke up with him but we made it through. The second time he was admitted it went better, I managed to scrape through. Lately he has become increasingly clingy, which is so much pressure. He says things like "I don't know where I would be with out you" "You are the one thing I wake up for in the morning". I got physically unwell, my university semester was suffering and I didn't want to see my boyfriend or message. I just got out of hospital the day before from surgery and my boyfriend informed me that he was returning to hospital a third time. He'd been putting it off because he didn't want to loose me, he thought if he went I wouldn't be able to handle it. My parents wanted me to not be replying to messages he sent all the time. I told him I wanted a break but part of me wonders how much of it was me listening to all the negative voices around me, making decisions for me when I was physically unwell and emotionally tired from a hard 6 months. Part of me wonder's if a young women like myself should be in a relationship that most adults can't handle, especially when they have mental illness themselves. Needless to say, I am beyond confused. I love him, but this is so tiring. I just want to be dating the man I love like a normal 20 year old.

Going around in circles

replies: 2

Hiya, I am new to this forum so hello to everyone. I am just looking for some advice and anyone's similar experiences they want to share to help me manage this situation. I really feel my husband is and has been experiencing depression over the last several years. He goes through good and bad patches but can be easily triggered and really struggles to manage his stress levels. I am worried about his health and the amount of stress he puts himself under. I feel I am being patient and trying to support him as much as possible but I just feel we constantly go around in circles. It's a constant cycle of negativity. I feel he has very low self worth and has been in a job for 10 years where he gets treated badly by his supervisor and made to feel really undervalued however encouraging him to move on just brings up so much resistance. He comes out with all these excuses 'i will never get anything else, I am s***, no one will want me'....but is so unhappy. He won't even look for work it's just resistance! His moods can be really bad and he will constantly moan about everything finding it really hard to see any positives. He can erupt form 0 to 10 in three seconds and (is never violent towards me) but starts hitting things and throwing things around. It's getting to the stage that I stay quiet around him if he's stressed out of fear he will explode. He says he will get help and reports to feel so low and helpless but after saying it he never does it! The same conversation is going around in circles. He hardly eats, doesn't sleep and is addicted to marijuana. Again, that has been going on for years. He is such a beautiful person and deserves so much more. In summary, he has no value for himself and hates everything about his life although deep down feels stuck and unable to change it. I am starting to feel so oppressed by his moods and know he has to be the one that changes himself. He continually confides in me and I want to support him but feel I am his partner, social worker and psychologist! I need him to get help but don't know whether an ultimatum is a good way however I am starting to feel that's the only way as these conversations just go round and round and I feel I am just stuck in his helplessness and feelings of stagnation! I don't know how best to approach it but really feel he needs therapy. At the moment I feel I want to stay away from him as it's a continual dark cloud of negativity. Any help and advice would be very appreciated. Thank you!

Please help me... New mum of twins, depressed husband, no support

replies: 11

Hi there i am new to forums, but can see how much support and insight they provide so am hoping that someone out there can help me. My husband was diagnosed with depression less than a week after we brought our twin babies home. He has since been completely withdrawn, sleeping at the other end of the house and refusing to help me. I have no support whatsoever . His family blame me for his condition, saying that I am obviously not doing enough and must be treating him badly or his condition would be improving. My family also refuse to help, they have little to no contact with me. My husband has just returned from three weeks in an institution for his condition, as I feel as though he is worse. Even more withdrawn, not wanting to help with the babies, not wanting to talk or even be in the same room as me. This is heartbreaking, as when his family are here is somehow finds the strength to get out of bed, have tea and biscuits with them and even take them down to the shops for lunch. He can barely be in the same room as me or the children, and some days has refused to even look at the babies. It is heartbreaking. We have been married for eight years, and have finally had babies after years of trying, and now I have been left to raise them on my own. It breaks my heart, as well as being physically exhausting. The babies are now seven months old. This has been going on for so long, and my husband doesn't seem to want to try and make an effort for me or the children. He is talking about separating/divorcing, and I just don't know what to do. He clearly does not want to be around us, and all my efforts to connect with him seem futile. It is so hard. I don't know what to do. I am scared and heartbroken. Please help.

Depressed partner wants a break, I feel like I'm failing her and can't cope.

replies: 9

My partner of 5 years has been depressed for the last 2 years. She began taking medication & became her old self again up until 6 months ago. We've always had an amazing relationship. We're best friends who've always enjoyed each other's company, we rarely fight. She became very good at hiding her feelings and I only realised the extent of how bad she really was about 3 weeks ago when she told me she wanted to kill herself. I felt so terrible, when I thought about it, all the signs were there and I had just brushed it off. I immediately took her to the doctors where they decided to change her medication. We also got her booked into see a psychologist. From the moment she started taking the medication she became so mean. She was never like this. Her aggression scares me so much. At one point I became so upset & I was trying to explain how much she was hurting me, and she began smiling like she was getting pleasure from my pain. I was so scared I had to leave the room. I've never seen anyone like this, especially her. The next night I called her at work to check she was ok and her workmates said she'd left early because she was sick. I immediately freaked out, I called her phone and she acted like nothing was wrong. I asked her where she was and she said she was at work. I told her that I'd spoken to them & she hung up. She finally answered and she told me she was smoking marijuana and didn't want me to know. I picked her up & we had a big chat & it all seemed ok. The next night she basically said she was done with me. I completely lost it. I knew it was the depression talking and I know that she loves me but I just broke down. She came back the next day to chat, told me she loved me but I'm so terrified of what's going to happen. She says she wants to work it out but needs a break. I'm so worried while she isn't here. I wrote her a letter to remind her of the good times and said I'll be here for her and that I wasn't giving up and she said she appreciated it but she still wanted to leave for a while. She's staying with a friend who smokes weed daily and I just spoke to her on the phone and she's at a club playing the pokies. This is something she'd never do, and she was laughing like she was completely fine. I'm so worried her friend is encouraging her to drink and do weed that she'll decide that it's easier without someone trying to keep her on the right track and at the same time I'm not coping with the thought of losing my girfriend of almost 5years.

Depressed husband

replies: 1

Hi this is my first post and Im posting to try to get some insight from others going through similar situations. This has been a horrible year so far. About February I noticed my husband becoming distant but I thought he was overworked and stressed. By May he told me he didn't love me anymore and left me and our 2 children age 15 and 10. We have been together 19 years married for 17 of those. We were the type of couple that everyone thought was so loved up, touchy feely and that nothing would ever break us apart so it came as a big shock to hear those words and my world, and the kids world started falling apart. He left in June to live around the corner in a room share for 3 weeks but in that time he decided we were over and he got a rental. He continued to tell me he didn't love me etc etc and I thought he had another woman (may have done but he denies to this day). We went on for about 3 months of arguing, no contact, contact, begging etc (by me as I didn't know how to deal with this situation). He seemed aloof and cold. When I finally said enough is enough he started bombarding me with messages that he still loved me. Came around that evening was cold and aloof again and didn't want to move back in. He disappeared overnight from his rental and tells me he slept by the sea in the car. Lots of weird behaviour which I didnt/dont? believe. Anyway finally he tells me he has been depressed felt unworthy and unloved and wanted to end it all but something clicked that he couldn't do it. Now we are in the situation where he is back home, no intimacy, still has his rental, says he loves me still and always did. But I am struggling with all my trust issues now. I constantly badger him for attention and talk about how he's feeling etc. I think I do this because we didn't talk before about his feelings and he walked but I can't stop asking for reassurance and he doesn't seem able to offer it and gets annoyed at me. He just keeps saying he's depressed and this is his answer for everything ie. aloof, ignoring behaviour, watching tv in silence, no intimacy (I get a peck on the lips and that's it) and Im struggling to know what to do for the best. He is seeing a counsellor had 2 sessions. Not on antidepressants as doesn't believe in them. I'm seeing a counsellor and am just angry and labile with my emotions. Its like I have a mental disorder now not him. Anyway can anyone give me some insight please.

Just needing a space to vent over partner's OCD relapse

replies: 5

Hello, My partner suffers from OCD, mainly Pure-O, and his relationship with me is what it attacks the most (ROCD). He has been in therapy and got a really good handle on it. We had broken up because of the OCD previous to this relapse and got back together he gained insight, understanding and the tools needed to manage this disorder with his psychologist. Things were going great, he was very open about his disorder and happy. Then, over the last couple of months, he stopped attending regular therapy, and just other general life stress/events piled up on him, and he relapsed on all the progress he had made, and just like the first time, he believed our relationship is the actual cause of his anxiety. He broke up with me apparently while out drinking with friends (when he knows he uses alcohol to cope, and uses these friends for reassurance) and just "forgot" to discuss it with or tell me. I know enough about this now, and I am a neuropsychologist myself, to know this is not the person I was in a relationship making these decisions with rationale and clarity. He has performed so much avoidance now that he is convinced his is happy, his life is going perfectly now, he doesn't have OCD (despite being formally diagnosed) and I am the one telling him he has mental health issues, no one else. I am just beyond frustrated that this insidious thing has returned full force, and I have been completely forced out of a relationship I did and should still have an equal say in, with or without mental disorders being a factor. The last time we reached breaking point because of his disorder he did a whole heap of extremely unhealthy and damaging things to cope, that have impacted on our relationship (excessive drinking and casual drug abuse, going on tinder to "check" his thoughts and feelings are "right," sleeping with random girls etc) and I don't want him to spiral and hit rock bottom like that again. But, being cut off, all I can do is worry about what he might be doing. He goes back to therapy next Monday, so hopefully his psych will give him a big clip around the ears! I'm worried though that he will maintain this is a relationship issue (literally isnt) and he just wants to be single. I have met his psychologist in a number of sessions though, and I think he is a bit more clued on than what my partner portrays him to be, so I can't let that eat away at me. I am just so lost. My partner and best friend is now treating me like a needy 1 night stand

My boyfriend has depression/anxiety

replies: 2

Hello, I'm seeking out some advice. I was close friends with my boyfriend before we started dating and becoming an official. Our relationship is only 3 weeks old (very new) and he's recently been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I care for him incredibly and would like to know what I can do to support him. In the past, I've had anxiety and partially know what he's coping with. Yet of course, everyone is different. He's not one to be expressively open and has always been a private person. He's shared things with me yet I don't want to push him to express things to me. But some days I feel like I'm not doing enough to be a supportive person in his life; I'm not sure how to be better support. Help!

My daugher has been diagnosed with severe depression and high anxiety

replies: 4

Hi. I'm new to the forum. I joined because my daughter, who attends university in another state, has recently been diagnosed with severe depressive disorder and high anxiety. A suicide attempt a few months back was the first indication we had that she was struggling. She has seen a GP, who put her on anti-depressants and benzodiazepenes to help when she feels the anxiety building.She is seeing a psychologist, initially every 2nd week, but recently increased to every week. She has also sent her back to the GP to get the dose increased on the anti-depressants. She was going to come home for 2nd semester, but the psychologist told her that wasn't a good idea because that was too safe and running away from her problems.Being so far away, I just don't know what to do to help her through this. I get phone calls that worry me sick because she sounds so broken and sad. I'm just looking for other people who are going through this as well. I don't know how to deal with her other than give her love and support, and I'm so afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing - she seems so fragile.

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

Not coping caring for mentally ill husband and 3 young children replies: 3

Partner of 5 years has depression replies: 4

Boyfriend with Depression - and I have anxiety replies: 4

Going around in circles replies: 2

Please help me... New mum of twins, depressed husband, no support replies: 11

Depressed partner wants a break, I feel like I'm failing her and can't cope. replies: 9

Depressed husband replies: 1

Just needing a space to vent over partner's OCD relapse replies: 5

My boyfriend has depression/anxiety replies: 2

My daugher has been diagnosed with severe depression and high anxiety replies: 4