My boyfriend of 10 years - needs serious help...I just don't know how to help him :(

[dee_1]

Good Afternoon

So, I have been dating my bf for 10 years now and words can not describe how much I love him. However, it's become increasingly hard to be around him.

From the time we had started dating, he had been suffering a bit from an acne breakout. He was not used to this, because in high school he never had any.
He has not been able to deal with acne at all and in fact it has made him the most miserable person to be around with. I have tried so hard to be supportive of my bf. I moved away from my family who lived in another state, to move to his state to be with him because I thought we would start out our lives and everything would be easy. It wasn't...in a strange town where I had no family, except for my bf - I did everything on my own.

I started living life for the both of us. Thankfully, his mother got him a horrible cleaning job when he hit 24 years of age but this did not help him with his confidence. He enjoyed getting the money and thankfully his job was the only reason for not locking himself up indoors and hiding from the world.
In the past, 5 years because of stress, and worry, and depression and anger - his hair has receded and he still has acne.

He is now in a dangerous mind frame, because every day he continuously tells himself that he is ugly, he doesn't want to be a part of this life, he is worthless. On and on it goes.

I am very supportive of my partner, he has spent over 100000$ on himself in the last two years and I've barely opposed to it. He has not invested much money on us just himself and I've watched him sell off his belongings to get some thing better or because he wasn't good enough and I could see that his self worth was getting worse.
Everything is done for this man, cooking, cleaning, ironing his shirts, making his lunch, looking after our pets, making sure I'm maintaining my diet and still nothing is good enough for this guy.

I'm at a loss because I've suggested counselling because there is no way...he can fight through this alone. And he has been on antidepressants but they didn't work one bit. I wish I could take all his acne and pain away and have it on me because I would want nothing more than to see him happy but I just can't.
What can I do to ease his pain? I want to see him smile - I want him to be so happy. His pain is awful I see it in his eyes. What can he do to improve his outlook on himself :(?

Sorry this is really long but I have no idea who to talk to - I just want to help him so bad.

[JessF]

Hello Dee, can I start by saying that my concern after reading your post was not for your boyfriend but for you? It sounds like you have sacrificed a lot of yourself and your own needs and identity in this relationship and I'm left wondering who is looking after you? Where are the displays of love and affection? Where is the interest and support for things that are going on in your life? I worry that, based on your post, your entire happiness and self-worth is invested in this relationship and that is a recipe for disaster.

Relationships only work if there is love and affection going both ways, and it sounds from your post that this man has learned helplessness over the last ten years. Spending money on himself sounds like the only control he feels that he has over his life. His mother found him his job, which you describe as "horrible", so it doesn't sound like there is fulfillment there. Everything else is "done for him", having no sense of autonomy or purpose is going to lead to depression over time. I am not surprised medication didn't work, it is...if you'll forgive me... his life that needs fixing. And he needs to be empowered to make those changes.

I can understand his appearance being a signicicant part of his depression. This is perhaps where some professional counselling might assist. But from what you have written, this sounds like only a small slice of the pie.

[pipsy]

Hi dee_ While I basically agree with JessF that you need to care for you too. I'm also wondering what your bf has done constructively to help himself with his acne, plus receding hair loss. His mother tried to help by getting him a job, you have invested time in trying to support him. He seems willing to 'sit back' a bit and let everyone take responsibility for his happiness. The loss of hair suggests perhaps a hereditary problem, the acne could also be hereditary. His depression is stopping him from reaching out, he seems to be scared of reaching out. It's almost like he is 'using' his depression as a controlling mechanism, the longer he stays down, the more you and his mum are falling over yourselves supporting him. I think perhaps it's time either you or his mum suggests a Dr to see what, if anything can be done for the acne and hair loss, plus tell him he needs professional help to get him out of this downward, unhealthy spiral he's on. The longer he is left untreated, the worse he will become. Loving him is fine, but he needs to start taking responsibility for his health.

Lynda

[Just Sara]

Hi and welcome Dee;

It's great you've had the courage to ask for help from BeyondBlue forum, it couldn't have been easy. There seems to be so much going on for you my sweet.

You've covered a lot of ground and this is expressive. Instead of giving advice or my perspective now, could I ask that you dot point the most pressing issues in reference to priority?

The reason I ask this, is to try and help you to have a look at your situation and ask it of yourself. I can identify many distressing and emotional issues, however some belong to you, and some to your BF.

I'll be here to respond as I'm sure others will be too. Please be kind and gentle to yourself; this is a frustrating and confusing time.

Warm thoughts...Sara (big hug)

[dee_1]

Hi Sara

Thank you so much for your support. My most pressuring points are as follows and I'll start with one major point:

* My partner is depressed because of his consistent break outs and receding hairline. Yes the hair line is hereditary and I've urged him to see a different hair stylist because I truly believe a great hair stylist can make a hair do worth loving. He simply cannot move away from his current stylist because he is too self conscious of his appearance to move on.

* He has spent thousands on his skin...he is glowing and looking amazing yet one pimple out burst and he will flip it. He has not yet seen a dermatologist. I have told him that we can go see one together but for some odd reason he will not see a doctor, get a referral and book himself in. I'm suspecting he maybe sub consciously wants me to do. Pay for a derma as well just to get some extra help.

* I don't want to contribute financially to his skin problems because he has spent over 10000$ on himself and $8000 of that was on a computer. I don't care that he spends money on himself...but for heavens sake his priorities are clearly not being dealt with first and foremost.

* My biggest issue with his dilemma with his acne is that we don't go out. It's been over a month since we've been on a date. He shows no enthusiasm when it comes to dates because he is obviously worried about his appearance. We have moments where we do go out and then we don't go out.

* When we do go out, it's an endless nightmare. Every 5 minutes he is always asking about how his hair looks, how he looks and when I tell him that he looks amazing he doesn't believe me.

* My compliments to him have now become empty compliments, and I think he knows this because he doesn't believe me when I say he looks good. I just don't care. I have spent 10 years of my life with him telling him he looks amazing and from the bottom of my heart this is how I feel about him but no...he doesn't believe me.

* None of my friends, and I've only had a couple, know what he looks like. He doesn't want to meet any of my friends. He doesn't think it's normal or necessary to meet them.

I'll have to make...another post to follow up on the points...because there are so many sorry. I am so embarrassed.

[dee_1]

To continue from my last post:

* I feel like, I'm not as important as he might think think that I am important to him. He has spent so much money on himself and he rarely...initiates anything to make me feel special. I know this is selfish of me to say. But someone who can spend thousands on himself...should be able to book us a hotel getaway and pay for meal. I've got a girlfriend who has a psycho stalker willing to pay for a cruise getaway for her and here I am thinking well...I don't get any of this. I don't get flowers, or dinner dates (unless I suggest it) or random getaways.

However he does support me. He is not completely selfish. He works a grueling cleaning job which he dreads going too, he gives me money when needed, he splurges on me when it comes to my birthday or when it's Christmas.

* When I first came to live with my bf, I couldn't wait to do just about anything for him. I wanted to play the role of a cute little house wife. Cook and clean for him because I thought this was normal. Slowly, along the way my mother in law started saying, you should probably stop doing so much for him because he won't want to do most things for himself. But because he was self conscious of his acne he barely moved out of the house. When I first lived with my partner I did everything on my own. He wasn't on the dole in the first couple of years I was with him, so I paid for the groceries, I paid for things when we went out...I cooked and cleaned.

* I feel really betrayed when I do favors for him, because I feel like once I pick up some sort of slack, it will then become a permanent chore for me. Like he used to iron his shirts for work...but then (because him and his mother work for the same company) he had to work a full 3 weeks of his mothers shift whilst she was on holidays, because there wasn't anyone else to cover her shifts, so I offered to iron his shirts every day, to make his life easier. I now iron his shirts...all the time. He will wash his shirts, he won't iron them. When I leave it to him...he is struggling and whinging. And because I can't deal with how little life skills he has, I push him aside angrily and do the shirts myself. Never mind, ironing all your shirts on a Sunday, so you have a shirt ready for each day, I do them all in one day for him just SO I CAN RELAX IN THE MORNING BEFORE WORK!!!!

On know there is a page 3 coming...

[dee_1]

Part 3...

* He simply won't move from the house to do things for himself just because he has too. Even things like grabbing his own prescription pills. If I'm out I'll get it for him. "Hey if you're out can you get my prescription" well I'm out any way so that won't hurt will it...

* He messaged me this morning saying how dirty his car was...he literally had a 4 days weekend, did not budge once to take the car to the car wash and get it cleaned. I asked him why he didn't do it...he said he wasn't feeling well.

* Sometimes, he won't initiate a clean up. He suffers from allergies, I'm sweeping/or vacuuming and mopping and cleaning and taking the bins out and god knows what ever I have to do to help him.

* At this point, he is still not initiating any dates!!! And then he is moaning about how he is not getting any sex from me.

* I don't know why I don't want sex anymore. My libido is just not...there. Sometimes I have sparks but it's not there so then this becomes an argument but then he says stuff like...well, it's not wonder I have low confidence because you don't want to jump me. I'm like ??????????? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME??

* I have changed so much about myself - I have lost 30kg (recently put 8 back on because I have just given up); I work a full time job. I go out and live my life. When I go out for long amounts of time he thinks I'm cheating on him. I'm like no.........I'm not cheating on anyone because I'm not interested in anyone expect you!

* My job is quite stressful...I'm about to lose it.

* I have turned into the most passive aggressive person. I'm mean to him and I hate it. I cry every day because every time he complains about his life I just don't care. So every comment that comes out of his life - there is always a back handed comment or snarky remark and then I feel sick to my stomach because I do love him so it's like...why would I just say something like that??

* My mother in law is of no help. When ever I confide in her about her son her responses are useless. "God, I wish he could just get over it!" YOUR SON HAS BEEN SUFFERING FOR 10 YEARS AND THIS IS ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY!

I'm at my wits end. I don't know what I can do more. He won't seek help professional and his only solutions to his problems...is that if all went away...everything would be better. God, I wish this day would come. I just want us to have a healthy and happy life and it's not like that.

I'm done complaining...and I now feel sick. I feel bad for bad mouthing

[dee_1]

The most painful part about all of this horrible, nasty complaining, is that on numorous occasions he has said that he is sorry...and he does do nice things for me. He looks after me where is matters, I have a roof over my head and behind closed doors we spend time together. So, I don't really know what my problem is.

This has become so hard, my chest hurts from stress and anxiety. The easiest thing to do, to remove all the pain and heart ache is to just leave him behind. But, my heart is telling me that he is just in trouble and he needs help. He doesn't mean any of this, he is just stuck. But, I cannot help him if he doesn't help himself. So, what then...where do I go from here. I don't want to lose him but I've already had a new years resolution to put any money I can aside, so that when our lease is up for the house we are in...if things don't change - I will move back up state to QLD and leave him be. I feel sick thinking about not being with him.

The most sickening part about doing things for my boyfriend. Is that if I don't do the house chores for him I feel like I'm not wanted or I'm not of any use to him.

I'm so upset...all I've ever want with my partner is a peaceful life. We don't have any children so there isn't any real reason for us to be happy and focus on what we have right in front of us. I don't mind not having children because I'm not sure if I want any or not. It's not really important to me.

[white knight]

Hi Dee

Peoples opinions will be subjective. There would be many ways of dealing with this situation.

My own view is, that some situations need a logical cool calculating head that isn't ruled by the heart, our emotions towards our partner of such long standing are high. This is causing you a dilemma.

Im a believer that chronic issues often need more radical steps. The issues you have with him are serious. It isn't his acne or hair nor his low confidence, its that he won't do anything about it...eg seek help.

We often talk about this here. People with problems that won't seek medical help. At the end of the day its their choice and your choice whether you walk away for that reason. When his decision of not seeking help infringes on your well being to the point that YOU have serious emotional effect, it could be a time to make a decision.

As a last resort you could put in place some minimum needs on paper. Set out chores and personal requests like a date on a regular basis. You could continue ironing his shirts for example but he is capable of doing other things to reduce your workload.

However, radical change IMO won't come without him seeking professional help.

I would not discuss the issues with his mother.

I would consider attending a counsellor of the type recommended by your GP. If your partner won't go, again its his decision. If he asks why you are going tell him "its to learn to cope with your unwillingness to seek help. I love you but I'm being torn apart". Don't discuss sessions with him, if he wants to know he can attend the next appointment and support YOU.

Something, being words or actions have to make such an impact as to spark alarm in him. If that does not happen then you've done your best and your best is good enough effort.

I sincerely hope you resolve this but all is not lost if not. These tests make us realise what we want and don't want in a relationship. We fine tune our needs and often find a happier life beyond a frustrating life.

Please Google

Topic: is there room for stubbornness- beyondblue

Topic: does stubbornness have a place?- beyondblue

Topic: who cares for the carer?- beyondblue

Tony WK

[JessF]

dee_ said:

* My mother in law is of no help. When ever I confide in her about her son her responses are useless. "God, I wish he could just get over it!" YOUR SON HAS BEEN SUFFERING FOR 10 YEARS AND THIS IS ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY!

I said this in my earlier post, and it has only been reinforced by everything above... it's learned helplessness. Your boyfriend's suffering is, in my opinion, of his own making. You are reinforcing this by doing everything for him and treating him like a victim. He is not. Your mother-in-law has a valid point, I feel... it may sound harshly expressed (you can't just click your fingers and "get over" years of learned helplessness), but you have to make a start somewhere.