Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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What next??

replies: 3

My boyfriend was finally formally diagnosed with depression and anxiety a few months ago. While I couldn't be happier that he finally accepted that there was an issue and is trying to get help, he has started leaning on me a lot. I'm happy to support him but he's become dependant on me, despite his insisting that he isn't. He's been using me as a crutch, a default solution rather than trying to help himself. He's been insisting that I'm a better solution than his medication and it's starting to worry me. I know he would never hurt me, but I feel so much pressure to help him it's scaring me. What should I do?

My boyfriend has serious depression and I feel like he is bringing me down with him. Please give me advice.

replies: 3

Hi, I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years, for the last year his depression has slowly go worse and it has got to the point where he is constantly miserable. Shut off from emotion and communication, not happy and regularly talking about how pointless life is. He doesn't enjoy his job and particularly resents having to work for someone else. His dream is to work for himself but he does very little to make this happen ( I understand how depression affects motivation). His work barely give him enough shifts to pay rent let alone survive so there is no way he could save enough to start his own business and most of the time I am financially supporting him. I've tried to support him to find other work that would be more positive and more inspiring to him and that could lead to him fulfilling his dreams but he refuses to look for other work, insisting he would hate any job. I have tried to be supportive of him and how he is feeling for a long time and always let him know I am here for whatever he needs and if there is any way I can help. On top of working a 45 hour week (at a very high-stress job) I do all of the housework and cooking and he usually only works 30 hours or less a week and doesn't help at all. I've become so physically and emotionally drained I'm starting to resent him and feeling like he is a burden and cares very little for our life together. I know this is not true but the constant negativity and sadness in our house is making me have my own negative thoughts and I want to do something about it before it gets to the point where I can no longer be with him. At this point I see no other way of fixing the situation as whenever I try to talk to him about how I am feeling he gets angry at me so I've ended up bottling everything I am thinking up as I am too scared to talk to him. I know that the relationship is no longer healthy but I don't know what else to do, I love him and want this to work. Please help.

Bipolar partner in episode. Again.

replies: 2

HI. This is my first post. My partner and I have been together for four and a half years. He was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 (rapid cycling, mixed moods) early in our relationship. Because of the kind of BP he has, he is rarely stable for very long. They've adjusted his meds and combinations of meds and he's been doing much better - we just had six good months. But there have been warning signs of another episode for a month and yesterday he went there. He has all the irritability, rage, and irrational thinking that I find so hard to deal with. I'm the focus of his rage again. Completely irrational rage. He's prone to taking offence out of the blue and to engaging in one-sided all out scorched earth emotional warfare with me. This level of episode only seems to happen after he gets drunk - which he did Thursday night at a work party. He doesn't usually drink more than 3-4 drinks anymore, but when he does an episode usually happens a day or two later. We had such a bad time from Oct 2015-April 2016 that I threatened to leave him if he didn't stop drinking and go see his doctor. After that he cut back the drinking to once or twice a week, one or two drinks, and he went back to his doctor and they adjusted his meds. He took full responsibility for the hurt he caused while in his episode (which lasted as I said for six months and was just impossible to live with). The problem I have now is that I don't seem to have as much patience. And I get a panicky and anxious. Each episode comes with all the baggage of the one before. I really don't want to go through this again. But I love him when he's well. My plan is to put the strategy we have into place: - self-care and look after the family - don't argue with his amygdala and let the storm pass without trying to fight it (which never goes well) - contact his family and ask them to monitor the situation and take the load off me - when this calms ask him to see his doctor and have a conversation about the drinking That seems all I can do for now. He's not rational right now. But he doesn't have the signs yet of his suicidal thinking (although that will come next, if our history is anything to go by) so there is nothing to be gained by intervening. It only antagonises him. It's just batten down the hatches and hope it passes quickly. And then be there for the sad man who is left behind, feeling ashamed of himself. The worst bit? I miss him. And could sorely use his love and friendship right now.

How do I help and work with my partners GAD condition?

replies: 31

Hello, My partner has GAD. I wake up and go to sleep listening to his worries. If I disagree with his memory of something, I am wrong and he gets angry and leaves the room saying he can't cope and telling me that I am wrong though I won't admit it. Maybe I am, but surely not all the time? For people that suffer from GAD what is the best thing I can do to not fire him and his anxieties up anymore than they are. He refuses medications and psychological help, he will sometimes use CBT. Your thoughts?

20 year old brother, refuses all help or to do anything. Advice?

replies: 4

Hi I just joined these forums to see if anyone has any advice. Few things to know first: 1) Strong family history of depression. I myself am permanently on meds because I have a long history of major depression with a focus on suicidal ideation. Basically our family tends towards extreme levels of depression. And anxiety. 2) Everyone in my fam is morbidly obese. 3) My parents raised us fundamentalist. Some seriously crazy beliefs. It made us outcasts in our youth and I'm the only one who escaped the brainwashing. The Problem: My brother left high school 3 years ago. He didn't work through high school and went straight into a Chef's course post high school. After the course he started job hunting only to find that in the field, his qualification is basically useless because everyone wants experience. He doesn't have (and has never had) a job to this day. He has been following a keto diet for over a year and has not been losing weight on it. Recently confronted with this (doctors have recommended he stop) he states weight loss wasn't the point he just wants to do it 'because he can'. He lives with our parents and does cooking but little cleaning. He repeatedly says he's trying to find a job but when I send him jobs in his field that might take him he says 'that's not what I'm looking for'. I've offered to help him get a job - I either get ignored or refused. He refuses to go back to school. He has all the signs of depression but doesn't believe he's depressed. He refuses to see doctor's or psychiatrists. The last time he saw a doctor he got put on blood pressure tabs but he refuses to take them and he's aware that could lead to serious consequences. He won't even take a multivitamin. And there's no preexisting prejudice he has against medication. My parents, my sister and I have all been trying to tackle this. Get him out of his funk and working, but we don't know where his head is. We've asked him what his plan is but he shrugs and ignores us. The last contact I had with him I told him straight out that he had choices to either let us help him or go back to school and a list of jobs which are desperate for people so he knew he had options. He ignored it. He won't talk about it, he refuses external and internal help. He won't hit rock bottom. He's there. And even when I was suicidal it didn't magically make me change. I could have ended up on the street and not cared. He seems to be in a similar zone. We're constantly worried. What do we do?

Struggling to support my boyfriend through depression

replies: 6

Hi, I guess I wanted to post on here to get an idea of where I am heading in my relationship. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and it's mostly been tough on the both of us. I feel like I have followed by the book on how to cope with someone dealing with depression but now I have got to the point where I cannot cope anymore. My boyfriend has often blamed me for his depression or that the relationship isn't amazing which has led to him ending the relationship several times. I know well enough to know myself and that this isn't the real issue, but he refuses to get help and tells me its not all about me. I have spent 3 years of my life making it about him and now I don't know what to do anymore. I want him to know how I feel without feeling guilty that I have feelings. I suffered from extreme anxiety years ago but I got through it and its one of my biggest achievements, I can relate on so many levels but being the well one is new to me and although I feel stronger as a person, i feel like I am not helping him at all. If anyone has any tips or advice on how I can help him get through this, that would be great. Thanks, Holly

Depression and alcoholism putting strain on my relationship.

replies: 2

Hi everyone, I would love some advice... I have just moved in with my partner because he became so depressed when I was overseas recently. He has depression and anxiety and also suffers alcohol addiction. I've loved him for so long but I am finding it so hard to keep supporting him. I want to be a good partner but I also suffer from anxiety and I don't feel like he is there for me, or helps me cope with my problems. Often I come home from uni/work/seeing friends and he is drunk by the early afternoon. It isn't every day but at least every week, often for a few days in a row. He is rude and unpleasant when drunk so while I know it isn't him, its very hard to cope with. His family live overseas and I feel a lot of pressure to look after him...often receiving instructions on how best to do it... and I would do so happily but I feel like I am running his life for him when I can hardly manage with my own. He has been seeing a psychologist but recently told me 'it doesn't help' because he 'just lies to her anyway'. I am just out of ideas. I am worried it is putting too much strain on our relationship. I feel horrible for not having more empathy and patience because I love this man so much. I just feel like he isn't talking about it or seeking help anymore and I am just looking after him. It feels like a very unbalanced relationship. I would love some advice or some messages of hope. thank you

Family member with panic disorder(s) verbally abusing his elderly mother

replies: 11

Hi all This is my first post here but I'm at a crossroads with a family member. My uncle was diagnosed with panic disorder and agoraphobia when he was a teenager. He is now almost 40 and has been living with his mother (my grandmother) his entire life because of his diagnosis. He has been on strong medication for 24 years, one of which isn't commonly prescribed anymore because of it's addictive quality. He went to his doctor recently and told him that my grandmother was causing him to be depressed and blamed her for basically all the problems in his life. She has done nothing but support him, if anything she has been too supportive. He was told by a doctor 10 years ago that he needed to be more independent and the doctor gave him tasks he needed to complete; my grandmother never allowed him to complete that. So, my uncle fell back into the same pattern. I was over their house yesterday and my grandmother interjected in my conversation with my uncle; she does this a lot. Instead of him saying 'can you not do that please' or something similar; he got aggressive, raised his voice and told her 'stop meddling in my ***** affairs'. I couldn't say anything because he would have escalated the situation, I'm scared of him. He has punched holes in walls before, had total breakdowns for no reason because he doesn't like being challenged. I was only at their house for two hours so I can only imagine what he is like when I'm not there. He thinks he can get away with saying this because I'm a woman but if his brothers heard him say it they would confront him. My grandmother acted as if nothing happened and she even defends him sometimes when my mother questions her about him. I'm at a loss and I don't know what to do. I'm not sure if this is common for people with panic disorders, he seems to be getting worse. He also has polar opposite moods. I don't know if his illness has progressed into something else because his medication seems to make him worse now. He blames everybody for his problems, is aggressive, resistant to change, embellishes stories, tells lies, has a highly inflated ego with delusions of grandeur. This seems a lot more than a panic disorder. What could he be suffering from? How can I support my grandmother in this situation?

I broke up with the man I love and struggling to support his depression

replies: 4

This morning I broke up with the man I love. We have been together for only 3 months but he was like the missing puzzle piece in my life. We immediately talked about our future and happiness. Around four weeks ago we started fighting - little things that he would be irrational about but I heard his thoughts, shared my own and we usually moved forward. One weekend he told me he needed space. It was out of the blue and immediately I thought the worst. After a whole weekend biting my nails he eventually told me he was very very unhappy and numb and that he thought he was sick. I've had depression but mostly anxiety since I was 20 but after five years I was proud to be mostly able to control my fears and attacks. I accepted and told him I would support him and that I understood. I really tried - the last two weeks were constant fights and then passion. He began to put himself first and me second which I know he needs to do but he stopped even making me feel like he wanted to see me. All of a sudden my anxiety and attacks which I have tried so hard to stop came back at full force. I would go into this spiralling manic state of fear and insecurities. We kept fighting and then promising to make it work but that we just needed to give each other support. This weekend we had two big fights in a row where he told me he couldn't deal and I was making it worse. I realised that we were just poisonous to each other and that he couldn't get better while I was around.His first reaction to everything is to be alone - I never understood this because my sickness was the opposite I was scared of having no one there. I went over this morning, held his hands and told him I loved him but that we were bad for each other right now. That I wanted to be with him and that I believed once he was better he would find a way back to me - back to each other. He was crying and couldn't look at me. He said he understood but then he said you need to do me a favour and leave. I struggled with that for a while but eventually gave him a note I had written. It explained how much he meant to me and I told him whenever he doubted that he needed to read it. He didn't want it, but I begged him to take it. He was a mess and I couldn't stand leaving him. I asked him to hug or kiss me but he couldn't I want him to turn around and realise that I did this for the best and not to hate me. That is my biggest fear - that he thinks I have given up on him. Is there any hope?

Depression and wont help themselves

replies: 2

Hello, my 26 year old son is an ex FIFO who has had a traumatic few years with mates. Well he is now living alone with no money and very few friends he can rely on. He is now depressed and I took him to the doctors a fortnight ago and he was prescribed anti-depressants and nicotine patches to stop him smoking, which he wants to do. I try my best not to interfer but I rang him today and asked if he was going back to the doctors and he said "no". I asked why and said he cant be bothered, the same thing applies to going to Centrelink and applying for the dole. Everything is too hard or he just cant be bothered and he keeps talking about guns. This scares the daylights out of me. If I go down and see him get gets agro with me and Im only doing it because I am concerned for his welfare. Very soon he is going to have no money at all and he will be evicted from the house he lives in due to not paying his rent. Can anyone please offer some advice on what I can do get him back on track. TIA.

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

What next?? replies: 3

My boyfriend has serious depression and I feel like he is bringing me down with him. Please give me advice. replies: 3

Bipolar partner in episode. Again. replies: 2

How do I help and work with my partners GAD condition? replies: 31

20 year old brother, refuses all help or to do anything. Advice? replies: 4

Struggling to support my boyfriend through depression replies: 6

Depression and alcoholism putting strain on my relationship. replies: 2

Family member with panic disorder(s) verbally abusing his elderly mother replies: 11

I broke up with the man I love and struggling to support his depression replies: 4

Depression and wont help themselves replies: 2