Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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How to resolve a conflict with a loved one who is depressed and anxious?

replies: 2

My ex has started to open up to me about the depression and anxiety that he has been dealing with for the past few years. He finally is talking to a psychiatrist and has started taking antidepressants. We've been through a lot together (have known each other for 5 years) and I finally worked up the courage to ask him about the dark place he was in a few years ago when his depression first started. Shortly after we broke up 3 years ago, he stopped talking to me for 10 months. Just cut me out of his life. Before that we knew each other for 2 years and I considered him one of my best friends. I reached out to him often via text or phone and he never replied to me. At the time I didn't know it was because he was depressed. Those 10 months were so painful for me. They made me feel abandoned and unloved. When my ex told me that his depression stemmed from the fact that he moved to a new location, hated his job, and was single. It was hard for me to hear the part about him being single. Because I had tried so hard during those 10 months to reach out to him without any kind of response. I wanted to make things work. He just said he thought it would have never worked out because we were so far away and that he thought at the time that I would move on. But hearing him talk about his dark place made me really confused and angry. It came off as selfish to me that he didn't really care about how his actions affected me (I didn't tell him that part). I don't understand how if he were feeling so depressed, he'd isolate himself from people he really cared about but still be able to go to work (a job at a hospital) and function in that aspect just fine. It made me made because he said he was really upset because he was single but at the same time he chose to be single. I wanted to be honest about how I was feeling so told him pretty much everything that I was thinking above. Anyways, he felt like I was throwing things in his face after he took the courage to tell me all of this. I've apologized to him but now am worried that he's going to withdraw from me again. Did I do something wrong? Is there anything I should do or say? Or should I just apologize and let it be? Any advice would be helpful. Thanks.

My 82 year old mum has lost her independence and is depressed

replies: 2

Hi I really just want to know if anyone else has any other ideas. I will try not to ramble - my 82 year old mum is struggling with losing her independence. She still lives at home with my dad (married for 57 years). Her depression/anxiety goes back about 6 years when my oldest brother passed away (I do have another brother, however he lives 6 hours away and is "very busy"). In the same year my mum's sister also passed away. Although these events caused great sadness, mum seemed to cope, however ever since then she has "suffered" from a range of physical ailments - sore legs, indigestion, IBS, insomnia etc. I have taken her to every type of doctor possible and the only concrete diagnosis has been some kidney failure and some heart disease. My mum was always a very giving, social, independent woman. She loved going out every day and talking to people, she was always interested in what other people were doing. However in May this year she had a bad fall (a broken shoulder and bruising on her brain) and since then she has lost all confidence to do anything. My dad has taken over running the household (he tries very hard but has his own physical limitations) and my mum spends a lot of time lying down "feeling tired". When her friends visit she only talks about how miserable she feels. I have taken her to a geriatrician and psychiatrist, they have both told her to stay physically and socially active. She only saw the psychiatrist again last week, he doesn't think medication would help, it is more "cognitive apathy". My problem is mum is too scared to go out by herself now, she is worried about falling over again. She refuses to get a "wheely walker" as they are "for old people". She is such bad company now, her friends are beginning to stay away (or worse getting frustrated with her). I have suggested classes where community transport can come and pick her up. But her reply is the same as to most things is "I can't be bothered". However then she gets upset as she says she knows she is worrying me (I try very hard never to show this and always be positive) and she can't believe she has let herself get so low. I would do anything to help my mum - except going back home to live, I have a very lovely husband, but even he is getting frustrated with how much of my energy my mum takes up. I just want my mum back.

How to help my partner with anxiety????

replies: 2

My partner suffers from anxiety, I'm struggling with doing anything right. I try research this stuff, it's so hard when I don't understand. We have had some big ups and downs in our relationship and he is living with his parents. He can't sleep at my house because he is so uncomfortable. It's going to destroy us due to the fact that I don't know how long I can keep going with it. I love him to bits but I'm at my whits end of what to do...any suggestions would be greatly appreciated

How to help a parent with anxiety

replies: 2

Hi everyone, I have a situation with my mother, my father told me she has a lump near her breast but she wont see a doctor because she is terrified of the outcome. My father has told me this in secret as she does not want me to know, he has tried to get her to go but she wont and he believes I will have better success. So over Christmas I have to randomly spot it and then convince her to go to the doctor. I will suggest that I go with her to the doctor for support but is there anything else I can do? My mother, now in her mid 60's, has always been very negative and has a very pessimistic out look on life. She has always struggled with anxiety and it has progressively gotten worse over the years as she tries to cope with day to day problems and coming to terms with my fathers and her own death. Unfortunately she does not believe in mental illness and wont seek help. So if anyone has any suggestions on how to assist my mother it would be greatly appreciated. Many Thanks

Depressed partner who is ignorant that he has depression and is pushing me away

replies: 3

Hi, this is is the first post from me so hello everyone. I have been with my guy for 8 years we never had a problem but I knew he had some things from his childhood he talked about but he was for 8 years the loveliest happy go lucky low key guy. About 3 months ago that changed and he has nearly all of the symptoms of depression on beyond blue. he denies that he has depression and that anything is wrong. He's turned into the total opposite person from who he used to be, he says this is how he has been all of his life and that his true personality is just coming out now. We were supposed to get married in 3 months and have had to postpone the wedding. He pushes me away and it is so hurtful but I'm sticking by him as he does still love me but I'm struggling too. I had anxiety 10 years ago and it is coming back up for me now. I'm getting the right help and seeing a psychologist. My partner and I did see a work psych a few times since this has gone on his own about communication and slowly bringing up his issues. This week having to cancel the wedding and tell everyone without giving away he has depression has done me over and the last 3 months have hit me today. I just want him to get help so he can start on the path of getting Better. He has agreed to come with me to my psych to talk about us but not about him,He pushes me away and away and it's so hard it's like living and being alone and ignored. I just would love some advice on how I can get him to see he has depression and get some help, and how I can deal with the feelings of hopelessness and isolation and even emotional abuse I am feeling as he does not want a bar of me. Thanks in in advance I really appreciate any help at this stage

Helping someone get over a huge trigger

replies: 5

Even though i have travelled a significant mental health journey via PTSD, depression and anxiety, i am coming up a bit short helping a mate. Without going into detail, he was denied entry to a job because it was claimed that he hid his depression. What really happened was that the assessor didnt research enough and he had actually declared it. This has been getting to him significantly of late and caused a crises episode last week. Had a good long chat to him today and it is clear that this is still the main trigger and reason for his depression going massive. Question is, as i have not walked in his shoes, how do i help him get over it. It is just not that simple to say you have to move on but how does he move on? I have given him many coping strategies but at the same time, its all good and proper to give these but if you are not fixing the root problem, it will never go away. Mark.

Post Concussion Syndrome: Harvey Two Face

replies: 4

Hello, my partner is suffering from Post Concussion Syndrome after approx. 12 concussions in 5 years, (he is currently 25). Due to being on an international visa, he is unable to obtain a medicare card and receive proper medical support. This makes it very hard when he has an episode; usually a violent outburst directed at me. Fuelled with hateful words that lack any empathy, personal attacks that I "get upset over everything", and admitting that he despises speaking with me because I always twist his words. These episodes will last anywhere between a few minutes to hours. After which, he will be filled with an overwhelming sense of remorse, begging for forgiveness. These attacks on me leave him brim with self loathing, and worsen his already depressed mind. I'm trying to understand how the most doting person I'be ever had in my life can become the polar opposite, in what seems like an instant? I have GAD, depresssion and borderline personality disorder; which I am medicated and in therapy for. I would consider myself a well functioning depressive most of the time. I guess what I really want to know is; will staying by the man I love, ultimately ruin my own mental health? Thank you for reading this, even just writing it out helps.

My boyfriend of 10 years - needs serious help...I just don't know how to help him :(

replies: 12

Good Afternoon So, I have been dating my bf for 10 years now and words can not describe how much I love him. However, it's become increasingly hard to be around him. From the time we had started dating, he had been suffering a bit from an acne breakout. He was not used to this, because in high school he never had any. He has not been able to deal with acne at all and in fact it has made him the most miserable person to be around with. I have tried so hard to be supportive of my bf. I moved away from my family who lived in another state, to move to his state to be with him because I thought we would start out our lives and everything would be easy. It wasn't...in a strange town where I had no family, except for my bf - I did everything on my own. I started living life for the both of us. Thankfully, his mother got him a horrible cleaning job when he hit 24 years of age but this did not help him with his confidence. He enjoyed getting the money and thankfully his job was the only reason for not locking himself up indoors and hiding from the world. In the past, 5 years because of stress, and worry, and depression and anger - his hair has receded and he still has acne. He is now in a dangerous mind frame, because every day he continuously tells himself that he is ugly, he doesn't want to be a part of this life, he is worthless. On and on it goes. I am very supportive of my partner, he has spent over 100000$ on himself in the last two years and I've barely opposed to it. He has not invested much money on us just himself and I've watched him sell off his belongings to get some thing better or because he wasn't good enough and I could see that his self worth was getting worse. Everything is done for this man, cooking, cleaning, ironing his shirts, making his lunch, looking after our pets, making sure I'm maintaining my diet and still nothing is good enough for this guy. I'm at a loss because I've suggested counselling because there is no way...he can fight through this alone. And he has been on antidepressants but they didn't work one bit. I wish I could take all his acne and pain away and have it on me because I would want nothing more than to see him happy but I just can't. What can I do to ease his pain? I want to see him smile - I want him to be so happy. His pain is awful I see it in his eyes. What can he do to improve his outlook on himself :(? Sorry this is really long but I have no idea who to talk to - I just want to help him so bad.

Depressed boyfriend pushing me away and feels like a burden

replies: 12

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. In that time we have lived and travelled together, and even gone engagement ring shopping. We are extremely close. He has always been honest that he has struggled with depression, but since we met he has largely controlled his moods with his medication. However, he is in a very dark place right now. He is back overseas with his family, so I am happy he is in a safe environment, and he plans to move back in two months if he is managing his depression well. The issue is he is pushing me away. I've tried to learn everything about depression so I don't say the wrong thing, as he can say extremely hurtful things to me and lash out in anger, telling me that I don't understand and I am 'accusing him'. He doesn't want to talk to anyone, including me, and I feel selfish for being so upset. I understand he cannot help his disease but he tells me he is a burden on me and he is bringing me down. I assure him he isn't, and I will wait for him and help in anyway I can. I know he is the love of my life and I told him I wasn't going anywhere. However, it is really hard to support him when we are in different countries. I can't just sit there and hold him like he tells me helps. I feel every day he pushes me away more. I even asked him if it was easier we take time apart so he can focus on himself (which broke my heart to write as it is not what I want), and he said no, he wanted to be with me, but that he needs time to figure out how to get better on his own (which I understand). I feel incredibly selfish for being so upset that I have lost my support and my best friend into such a dark hole. I am feeling alone, unsupported and as though I am carrying this relationship on my own. I know this is not what he wants for himself, I just feel helpless/at a breaking point because it's so hard to comfort someone who is a shell, especially when they are far away. I tell him I'm here when he is ready, but I really feel like I've lost the person I love so much and I am starting to feel down myself. My family worry that I am too young (early 20s) to be dealing with this, but I know we are in love and I cannot give up on him, because he never would on me (and has been the most loving man to me during the good times). Will he come back to before? How can I support and love him when he is far away? Thank you so much for reading. I would appreciate any advice as this is something I have never experienced.

Partner is lashing out

replies: 7

Hi all, My partner moved out of home about 3 weeks ago now, as he felt it was the only way he could cope with his severe depression; but I'm hearing from mutual friends that he works with that he is starting to lash out & be malicious. He has now become the workplace bully, singling out 1 particular person & messing with that person's personal effects, the most drastic being spitting in a water bottle & wiping the men's room urinal with a back support pillow. When he's been approached by his friends about his behaviour, he is quick to blame someone else & deny all culpability. When they ask if he's ok, he simply replies that he is fine but they've noticed the huge pendulum swing in his behaviour from malicious & angry one second to overly happy the next. Some people are now thinking he may have BPD because of how he is behaving. He is attempting to burn all of his bridges & push everyone away by saying & doing cruel things like blatantly lying or saying things he can't take back. Should he continue down this self destructive path, it's only a matter of time before he gets fired from his job. It hurts to see the person I love just in a downward spiral & there is nothing I can do to help him. I'm doing my best to be strong by going back to the gym, talking to friends, speaking to counselors online & over the phone, I've even booked in to see a psychologist tomorrow; however during my down time my mind can't help but wander to how he is since he is refusing any help. He is trying to solve this on his own & circling the drain & it's heartbreaking to have to sit back & watch.

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

How to resolve a conflict with a loved one who is depressed and anxious? replies: 2

My 82 year old mum has lost her independence and is depressed replies: 2

How to help my partner with anxiety???? replies: 2

How to help a parent with anxiety replies: 2

Depressed partner who is ignorant that he has depression and is pushing me away replies: 3

Helping someone get over a huge trigger replies: 5

Post Concussion Syndrome: Harvey Two Face replies: 4

My boyfriend of 10 years - needs serious help...I just don't know how to help him :( replies: 12

Depressed boyfriend pushing me away and feels like a burden replies: 12

Partner is lashing out replies: 7