How to resolve a conflict with a loved one who is depressed and anxious?

Zoe22 · ‎11-09-2016

My ex has started to open up to me about the depression and anxiety that he has been dealing with for the past few years. He finally is talking to a psychiatrist and has started taking antidepressants. We've been through a lot together (have known each other for 5 years) and I finally worked up the courage to ask him about the dark place he was in a few years ago when his depression first started. Shortly after we broke up 3 years ago, he stopped talking to me for 10 months. Just cut me out of his life. Before that we knew each other for 2 years and I considered him one of my best friends. I reached out to him often via text or phone and he never replied to me. At the time I didn't know it was because he was depressed. Those 10 months were so painful for me. They made me feel abandoned and unloved. When my ex told me that his depression stemmed from the fact that he moved to a new location, hated his job, and was single. It was hard for me to hear the part about him being single. Because I had tried so hard during those 10 months to reach out to him without any kind of response. I wanted to make things work. He just said he thought it would have never worked out because we were so far away and that he thought at the time that I would move on. But hearing him talk about his dark place made me really confused and angry. It came off as selfish to me that he didn't really care about how his actions affected me (I didn't tell him that part). I don't understand how if he were feeling so depressed, he'd isolate himself from people he really cared about but still be able to go to work (a job at a hospital) and function in that aspect just fine. It made me made because he said he was really upset because he was single but at the same time he chose to be single. I wanted to be honest about how I was feeling so told him pretty much everything that I was thinking above. Anyways, he felt like I was throwing things in his face after he took the courage to tell me all of this. I've apologized to him but now am worried that he's going to withdraw from me again. Did I do something wrong? Is there anything I should do or say? Or should I just apologize and let it be? Any advice would be helpful. Thanks.

Dr_Kim · ‎12-09-2016

Hi Zoe22,

You shouldn’t have to feel so bad about putting your feelings on the table. I work with plenty of people with depression and although they certainly can feel less likely to want to interact with people or go out, I don’t think it necessarily makes you unable to be kind.

What concerns me most about your story is that you are working way way harder than he is to keep the friendship going. I think the reason might hidden in the last bit of your post - about being worried that he would withdraw from you again.

Many people have developed a type of behaviour where they “learn” to not put their needs on the table but just to service the other persons needs. They do this because of an unconscious terror of abandonment . They are so frightened about being left, about not being liked, that they will do almost anything .. including not speak your mind in a calm reasonable way.. this is NOT OK !

You have the right to have YOUR needs met and feelings heard. If you don’t do this , it will in the short term feel like a relief as he won’t leave but in the long term that anger you alluded to will really bubble up!

I urge you to get a book called “Women Who Love Too Much” by Robin Norwood . I think it might make sense to you.

Zoe22 · ‎25-12-2016

Hi Dr. Kim,

I wanted to thank you for your recommendation of reading "Women Who Love Too Much." It really helped put things into perspective for me and was a bit of a reality check. Thanks again!