Recovering Alcoholic friend pushing me away

[autumngreen]

Hello, I wondered if anybody could help. I have a close friend who I have been in close contact with for months. I've been having a lot of relationship problems with my abusive partner and my friend has been helping me to work through this. It became apparent that my friend had an alcohol problem and when he drinks he disappears completely from my life. He won't reply to messages and he won't speak on the phone, he pushes me away. When he is in contact he is very supportive and keen to help me, I don't pressure him. But then he drinks for periods of time and begins to recover and it seems he completely pushes me aside - I mean zero contact with no explanation at all. It makes me feel completely abandoned and distressed to have him there one minute and gone the next. What I want to ask is : is this behaviour typical of someone recovering from alcoholism? Why can I do to let him know that I want to help him and that I want him in my life?

[pipsy]

Hi autumngreen. Having an abusive partner would be exhausting. Constantly trying to please and placate him means you are walking on eggshells. Your friend unfortunately is not recovering alcohol addiction. Being in recovery means try to abstain. Does he have a support system for his addiction? When you are addicted to alcohol, you become quite selfish and uncaring. Sober you seem to be 'on top', then the need for alcohol takes over and the downward spiral returns - with a vengeance. An alcoholic will contact their friends, for more alcohol, they tend to sound caring, but the need for alcohol overtakes the kindness. We have a thread here entitled 'battling the booze'. This will explain the ongoing battle to combat alcohol abuse. Your friend pushing you away, could be because you don't supply his booze or he is unable to talk because he is drunk or has passed out (to put it bluntly). He could also be in the company of other alcoholic's in which case they will take precedence over your needs. You really can't help him until he is ready to admit he needs help. He won't admit it till he has to or wants to. I suggest, for the time being you concentrate on your needs as far as your domestic problem is concerned. Are you looking at ending your relationship? If you are there are places you can go for support etc. At the bottom of this page there are various services you can contact for support and guidance. Remaining where you are is not healthy and you need to consider your future. If I sound blunt, I apologize, but I really feel you need to care for yourself first.

Lynda

[autumngreen]

Hi Lynda, thank you for your reply, it means a lot to me,

I am currently taking steps to leave my partner of 22 years as a result of his abuse. It has been with the help of my (strictly platonic) friend, that I have come to realise hat I must leave. He is a very dear and long time friend from my school years - I am now 43 years old.

I fear however, that I have become overly dependant on my friend for his support and advice, albeit only over the telephone or via messages. He communicated and eagerly helps me and encourages me, then he spirals into drinking and he completely disappears. He then seems to stop drinking and he attempts recover and it is always during this time that he fully disappears - not response to messages or calls, not even if I make it clear that I just want and need to know he is safe..nothing at all. I realise that he must sort out his own life and I honestly don't expect him to help me, but I have become very close to him and I worry about him and I believe he knows this, and when he does this it hurts me a lot. I really only require simple exchanges to let me know he is not injured or hurt and I struggle to understand how he can do this to me because he knows how concerned and distressed I would be..and I am.

I realise that he must have his own problems to sort through, I just can't understand the total no contact and wondered if this is a common behaviour of a person who is attempting to recover or abstain from alcohol.

thanks again, I'll go and look at the other forum you mention, thank you x

[pipsy]

Hi autumngreen. I realize the position you are in, you care for your friend and the concern is to your credit. Perhaps he is attempting recovery by 'disappearing', this could also mean he is incapable of helping you as recovery can be quite full-on. During recovery, alcoholics sometimes experience severe hallucinogenic withdrawals which can be quite confronting. When this occurs asking for help is almost beyond their capabilities. The disappearing is when the withdrawal procedure seems to engulf them and this can happen for quite some time. I'm not saying this is a definite possibility, but there is that chance. I am a recovering alcoholic and I frequently drank to escape the withdrawal and the pain from the severe depression as it is almost as hard to combat as the need for alcohol. Also alcohol numbs the pain from depression and when we attempt recovery, the pain from the depression is extremely overpowering and confronting. We tend to get so caught up in the battle, we often forget who or where we are.

Lynda

[autumngreen]

Thanks Lynda,

I really appreciate you taking the time to explain this to me, and I read your message several times because I am desperate to understand.

I can understand that if he is going through this, he can't help me and he must focus on himself, I honestly do understand. It's that he can't tell me this, that he knows I will be worried to death about him. Because he is aware of everything going on in my life and because I know he'd be aware that I would be distressed and concerned for him, I struggle to believe he would leave me worried and clueless..but maybe as you mentioned, he may be so deep in recovery or experiencing withdrawals, that he isn't able to let me know this. I hope he is okay.

thank you again, I hope that you have a lovely Christmas.

[pipsy]

Hi a. I hope you have a lovely day tomorrow too. I'm having a quiet one with family. If you need to talk, someone will be here. These forums are available 24/7 as there are so many people who need support.

Lynda

[geoff]

hello Autumngreen, thanks for posting your comment and thanks to Lynda for an excellent reply to her.
Alcohol always has the strongest power over anybody if they are addicted to it, and can I also say that an alcoholic doesn't have to drink everyday, they may have bouts of abstaining but then the need returns in vengeance, so I have to agree with Lynda and say 'he's not recovering fromalcohol addiction'.
First thing you need to do is leave your abusive partner, which I see you are already doing, but people want to disappear from the world so that they can get back to drinking, he doesn't want you to see him when he's intoxicated, or even when he wants to drink, because he may feel as though he has let you down.
You both want to help each other because you want him to help you get away from your partner, just like you want to help him with the alcohol, however there is one problem which maybe his downfall, he is still an alcoholic and that's why he disappears, and if he didn't then there would be no problem, but if you want to be part of your life, he has to be alcohol free. Geoff. x

[autumngreen]

Hi Geoff,

Thank you for taking the time to respond, I really appreciate it a lot.

I guess this is really what I'm trying to work out : os he disappesring and ignoring me because of alcohol, or is there something else going on..i.e. Am I burdening him..is he trying to disconnect from me without having to tell me. Is it a classic behaviour, to disappear when drinking? I am learning from many helpful replies like yours, as well as some research and reading online, that it seems to be the case.

You are also absolutely right, I need to get out of my relationship and sort myself out. I am in the process of working with a lawyer to seperate but my husband is making things extremely difficult, but I will keep going for mine and my children's sake.

Before my friend ended contact with me, he did call me on the phone a few times while he was drinking. I'd describe him as sounding 'jolly' and carefree. I think this was probably right at the very start of him returning to alcohol...is this common? To be happy and feeling in control to begin with but as the days pass and the more alcohol he has, the more negative the behaviour and the less jolly or happy? Sorry, I am just trying to get a picture of what he is going through.

Thank you again for your reply..and hope you're having a lovely Christmas.