Partner is lashing out

[MadameCholet]

Hi all,

My partner moved out of home about 3 weeks ago now, as he felt it was the only way he could cope with his severe depression; but I'm hearing from mutual friends that he works with that he is starting to lash out & be malicious.

He has now become the workplace bully, singling out 1 particular person & messing with that person's personal effects, the most drastic being spitting in a water bottle & wiping the men's room urinal with a back support pillow. When he's been approached by his friends about his behaviour, he is quick to blame someone else & deny all culpability.

When they ask if he's ok, he simply replies that he is fine but they've noticed the huge pendulum swing in his behaviour from malicious & angry one second to overly happy the next. Some people are now thinking he may have BPD because of how he is behaving.

He is attempting to burn all of his bridges & push everyone away by saying & doing cruel things like blatantly lying or saying things he can't take back. Should he continue down this self destructive path, it's only a matter of time before he gets fired from his job.

It hurts to see the person I love just in a downward spiral & there is nothing I can do to help him. I'm doing my best to be strong by going back to the gym, talking to friends, speaking to counselors online & over the phone, I've even booked in to see a psychologist tomorrow; however during my down time my mind can't help but wander to how he is since he is refusing any help. He is trying to solve this on his own & circling the drain & it's heartbreaking to have to sit back & watch.

[Zeal]

Hi MadameCholet,

Welcome to the forum!

I'm sorry to hear that your partner moved out of home recently due to his debilitating depression. I am glad the negative behaviour is not directly affecting you at home, but it sounds as though your partner really is burning bridges at work and in other aspects of his life. His inappropriate actions and severe bullying certainly needs to be addressed. Do any of your partner's family members know what's going on? These dramatic mood swings sound like more than depression to me too. He definitely needs to get professional help now. As you say, if his drastic behaviour doesn't improve, he will lose his job and also ruin friendships. If his family is supportive, but doesn't know about his most recent behaviour problems, ringing his closest family member for a chat is a good idea.

I must say, you are doing all the right things to cope yourself with this situation. Ensuring you spend time with friends, leading a healthy lifestyle, using phone and online counselling services, and starting to see a psychologist shows that you are proactive in getting through this period. As well as being essential for your wellbeing, this will ensure that you are able to cope better if your partner comes back home. It's natural that you are hurting from knowing that someone you love is hugely struggling. Unfortunately, he isn't allowing others to help him.

You seem to be coping well overall given the circumstances. If things feel too intense and distressing, this resource is worth a look: http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=54

All the best,

Zeal

[pipsy]

Hi M.C I'm so sorry you are hearing these destructive behavioural patterns your partner is displaying. His severe depression seems to be taking control and his constant lashing is his way of dealing with emotions he doesn't understand. It's possible there is a mixture of narcissism/BPD involved here along with the severe depression. Narcissist's need to be in control. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to help him as he has already indicated he wants little/no contact. From your post, I gather there is no actual marriage. If you were married, it's possible you could arrange for him to be admitted to a MHU for assessment. You could try speaking to his boss and see if he can arrange to have him admitted under workplace health and safety, not too sure about the legalities with that. Maybe talking to a lawyer to see if you can do something. Some lawyers allow 20 minutes free advice. I hear the concern in your post and I appreciate where you're coming from, however the legal ramifications in this means you need proper advice. Someone else on the forums might be able to guide you more than I can.

Lynda

[MadameCholet]

Hi Zeal,

Thanks for the advice but unfortunately his family will not speak to me about him. I did however alert his manager about his depression, and he said that he would keep an eye on him & now that he knows about his depression there are a lot of recent behaviours that make more sense now.

I have since learned that he is telling our mutual friends that he doesn't want to go to work anymore, isn't motivated & just can't find the energy to do anything anymore; but when they suggest getting help, he immediately arcs up & refuses to speak to people again. Our friends are getting to the point where they are losing patience, as he just keeps going round in circles & they don't know what to do/say to him anymore since he doesn't take on advice or suggestions.

I on the other hand am doing well, I had my first psychologist session today & it's a step in the right direction. I hope that if our friends get burned out that my partner will allow me to step in & assist him. Prepare for the worst & hope for the best is my motto at the moment.

[CheeseSlices]

Have I read this correctly that you informed his workplace of his issues?

How do you think this will turn out for you when he finds this out?

People do lose their jobs for having health issues (any health issue) it is certainly not the place of another to tell the workplace. If he is behaving erratically perhaps go into hiding when he finds this out. He is well within his rights to be angry about someone interfering like that.

From your last post it does sound like some of the problems in this relationship are to do with you also. Are you triggering each other? Time apart may be the very best thing.

In cases of severe depression many believe it is a call for deep rest, even doctors will suggest avoidance of triggers until well enough to cope. Are you forcing yourself on him when he is trying to rest and cope? Is this behaviour reactive to the way your friends and yourself are treating him? Are you adults? Would you like to be hounded to receive "approved" treatment when really all you need is some space? How would you feel in his shoes with what you have shared so far? Objectively.

[pipsy]

Hi M.C With your partners severe depression taking over, any sort of help at this stage is something he has to want to get. I too hope your partner will reach out for you, but in the meantime I suggest you continue with your psychologist. Refusing help is quite often a sign of narcissism as the condition means the person doesn't accept there is something wrong. With his refusal to keep working, he may feel everybody else is trying to 'control him'. Staying away from work means, to him, control is there and no-one can 'tell' him what to do. Have you been able to google narcissistic behaviour to see he fits this category? Depression coupled with narcissism means you are fighting a two-edged sword. If you feel he may have narc behaviour try having a talk with his boss and let him know there could be this condition. The more info his boss has the better he may be able to talk to his parents. Sometimes ex partners have little success with ex in-laws. His boss may be able to talk to the parents as a boss rather than someone who has an emotional attachment. If the parents understand their sons behaviour could cost him his job, they may be more willing to help out.

Lynda

[MadameCholet]

Hi Lynda,

I looked up the definition of narcissism after your previous post & this is what spurred me on to speak with his manager. His manager appeared to show genuine concern & said that he had noticed a shift in his behaviour, which made more sense with the information I had provided him; he actually thanked me for speaking to him as he would now be providing extra consideration & support to provide a duty of care for his mental illness. He continued to say that by no means it was an excuse for his behaviour, but would show more compassion & understanding towards him.

Thank you for your support.

[MadameCholet]

Hi CheeseSlice's,

I used to work with him & so his manager was also mine, so I already had & still have a good relationship with him. I understand the gravity of what I have done but with the work that we do, if he has an outburst at work then yes he can be dismissed; however, now that his manager is aware he is going to be more cautious & understanding of his situation. The workplace where we worked together does well to support their staff, especially those with mental illness. In the 4.5 years I worked there no one had been reprimanded or fired for having a mental illness, in fact there was a lot more support provided to them including paid hours to attend counselling sessions during work or paid extended leave. Had I not known first hand how supportive the environment is, I would not have approached the manager.

As for your comment regarding the problems in our relationship, yes I agree with you that some of the issues stem from me, no partner is perfect in their relationship; after all it does take TWO people to be in a relationship. Blaming one partner for ALL of the relationship issues is just a slippery slope.