Depressed partner who is ignorant that he has depression and is pushing me away

[Miffy88]

Hi,

this is is the first post from me so hello everyone. I have been with my guy for 8 years we never had a problem but I knew he had some things from his childhood he talked about but he was for 8 years the loveliest happy go lucky low key guy. About 3 months ago that changed and he has nearly all of the symptoms of depression on beyond blue.

he denies that he has depression and that anything is wrong. He's turned into the total opposite person from who he used to be, he says this is how he has been all of his life and that his true personality is just coming out now. We were supposed to get married in 3 months and have had to postpone the wedding. He pushes me away and it is so hurtful but I'm sticking by him as he does still love me but I'm struggling too. I had anxiety 10 years ago and it is coming back up for me now. I'm getting the right help and seeing a psychologist. My partner and I did see a work psych a few times since this has gone on his own about communication and slowly bringing up his issues.

This week having to cancel the wedding and tell everyone without giving away he has depression has done me over and the last 3 months have hit me today. I just want him to get help so he can start on the path of getting Better. He has agreed to come with me to my psych to talk about us but not about him,He pushes me away and away and it's so hard it's like living and being alone and ignored.

I just would love some advice on how I can get him to see he has depression and get some help, and how I can deal with the feelings of hopelessness and isolation and even emotional abuse I am feeling as he does not want a bar of me.

Thanks in in advance I really appreciate any help at this stage

[Quiettall]

Hi Miffy

I really feel for you, although I am a man. I want to explain that sometimes I get depression and it is at that time, that I want space and although I dont intend to, it feels like I am pushing away my wife. I have explained that to her, and asked that she give me space, but be there, and understand that I still love her.

I have been on the receiving end of it like you are going through. It is frustrating as you feel you are running round in circles trying to crack the ice or break through with him. Just be patient and there for him. Also a thought, it might be worth having a quiet word to someone else he might be close to, like a friend or family member. Without giving too much away, you might seek some confidential support to have someone talk to him and explain that there are ways to deal with his issues without shutting you out. You have to be careful doing this, as he might resent it if you say too much.

It is a tough time - hang in there. I am sure things will slowly work out for you. Meanwhile, take time out for yourself...treat yourself and give yourself some space to explore activities outside of the relationship, that he might feel comfortable joining in later when he comes back to a more open stance.

Take care. I feel for you

[pipsy]

Hi Miffy. Being depressed means having to deal with emotions that are hard to explain. The depression clouds your mind and trying to explain it is like learning a foreign language. It sounds like he is pushing you away as he doesn't want to hurt you by saying something nasty. Quite often in depression, the sufferer will lash out at those closest to him because lashing out means not having to face himself. Unfortunately, there is not much you can do, as, until he is ready to ask for help, he won't. Trying to 'force' the issue will cause more agro as he will believe you are trying to control him. All you can do, at this stage is be there for him, let him know you love him and above all, give him the space he needs. The old saying comes into it's own here: 'you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink it'. There's a bit of a stigma with depression, as many people believe depression doesn't happen to them, you just 'get on with life, it'll pass'. Your bf could be someone who believes that 'ignorance is bliss' too. If you need to talk, you can phone our helpline, we're here 24/7. That includes your bf, should he decide to call just to talk.

Lynda

[MadameCholet]

Hi Miffy,

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this difficult time with your partner being in denial about his depression, I can understand how hard this is for you because I'm going through a similar situation myself. After moving out of home about a month ago, my partner reached out for help 2 days ago & admitted not only to me but himself that he needed to speak to a professional; but within 24 hours of this breakthrough, he had blocked me from all forms of communication.

It is an extremely confusing period for all parties involved, as Lynda has described the depression is clouding his mind. The man that you love & care for is still in there, but as I am also learning the hard way ... he just needs some space & time to get through this. I agree with Quietall when they suggested you try getting someone else that is close to him to whom he is still speaking with to try & get through to him, but you must be prepared for any fallout because he may not understand that you were trying to build this bridge because you love & care for him.

As hard as it may seem to do, you honestly must look after your own well being until he is ready. See your GP & get a referral to a psychologist, if you don't want to do that then talk to your friends and family about your situation; as much as you don't want to see him suffer alone, you should not have to either.

Please understand that his behaviour is not personal, even if it seems like you are the only person taking all of the heat, he will be pushing those closest to him, the ones he loves the most, the furthest away from him as possible & if you are the only person being pushed, then it's because he loves & trusts you the most. This is something that I am having to come to terms with at the moment, and as difficult as it is to hear or comprehend, unfortunately his depressive state is out of your control & all you can do is wait & be patient with him. Hold tightly to your heart the good memories that you shared, and remember that any hurtful or spiteful words or actions he says/does to you are the depression speaking to you; they are not him.

Stay strong and remember that he does still love you, he just isn't sure of how to express that right now because he may not even be sure about who he is either.