Helping someone get over a huge trigger

[MarkJT]

Even though i have travelled a significant mental health journey via PTSD, depression and anxiety, i am coming up a bit short helping a mate.

Without going into detail, he was denied entry to a job because it was claimed that he hid his depression. What really happened was that the assessor didnt research enough and he had actually declared it.

This has been getting to him significantly of late and caused a crises episode last week.

Had a good long chat to him today and it is clear that this is still the main trigger and reason for his depression going massive.

Question is, as i have not walked in his shoes, how do i help him get over it. It is just not that simple to say you have to move on but how does he move on? I have given him many coping strategies but at the same time, its all good and proper to give these but if you are not fixing the root problem, it will never go away.

Mark.

[Croix]

Dear Mark,
I feel a bit cheeky offering support to a Community Champion. Please take it as a genuine attempt and not impertinence.

I’ve read many of your posts helping other people and am only writing so you yourself can feel not quite alone in the matter – I’m afraid I don’t have a good answer either. I don’t have to mention that just the act of helping your mate will be significant (well I just mentioned it anyway:)

I guess it makes a difference about the circumstances of the application – entry into a civilian job or your Force, or promotion/transfer/etc within a civilian organisation, or within your Force and whether there is any realistic courses of action to obtain a review (in my day as a policeman - admittedly a very long time ago - there was an appeal mechanism or sorts).

Professional help, medication, family support, short term distractions and rewards, humour, exercise etc etc – you already know of all this and are familiar with the perils of self-medication (drink etc), hasty actions and so on.

Actually you may already be in as good a position to help your mate on a non-professional level as anyone and what you are already doing is as much as any mate can .

I really hope someone else reads you post and has a more concrete suggestion or two.

All I can say is I think I understand the position you are in (and to an extent that of your mate) and wish you both well.

Croix

[white knight]

Hi Mark, (Croix = top reply there)

I can answer this one on two levels.

First has been fear of mail being delivered. Since 1973-1976 period when I was in the air force 17-20yo I had a stream of traumatic letters from my mother that left me with this fear. Also during that period I got heavily in debt due to buying and selling cars on impulse (mania) regardless of the debts. Warning notices came daily. Had the air force found out the level of debt a discharge was likely.

I'm 60yo now and I still get the gitters when that mail car arrives (we live in a regional area). But it is much less than in the past. The way my wife and I tackled this after we married in 2011 was that she revamped our bills to become direct debit which eliminated 90% of bills arriving by mail. Only rates and water came by post. We then put away a certain amount of money fortnightly to covers those two bills. This meant that when we got those two bills...."well there is money there to pay them Tony" she would say. And there was....no fear!!

The second one was a location. Pentridge Prison had some terrifying memories from 1977-1980. After leaving the job for some time I had to drive past that entrance to get to my new job. Also that notorious jail was in the news often or past prisoners had made the news and so on. Just before I left I lost a prisoner at night and blamed myself. Finally add to this the feeling of failure as a man for not holding down the job. I visited a pub one evening and was recognized by an ex prisoner and ended up with a broken hand. I lost my job as a pizza maker!!.

Time was the best healer with that last episode. But I had to undergo some serious self reflection as I knew I was the main problem, not the other characters in my life or the jobs. It was then I had an idea something wasn't right but that inkling wasn't enough for me to seek help- unfortunately.

The real solid answer came with seeking self confidence. That came many years later when separated from my emotionally abusive wife. Each morning I'd wake and stare into a mirror and say "you are a good person, your are a good father, don't allow her to convince you otherwise."

I've got to say that worked. Added to that was buying a block of land and building my own home which kept me so busy I no longer had the spare thinking time to recall her abuse.

So keeping really busy with work, building my house and so on was the answer. What do they say about idle minds?

Tony WK

[MarkJT]

Croix, many thanks for the reply. Just because I have the Community Champion tag certainly doesn't mean i come up short on matters! You reply is very much appreciated and I very much enjoy getting other people's ideas and perspectives. The appeal process isn't an option on this case unfortunately. Not in that stream of selections, so to speak. Can't really go into details which is a tad frustrating but in any event, thanks for the suggestions.

Tony, the key words i have taken out of your reply are "serious self reflection". I have a pretty strong rapport with him so will head down this avenue i reckon. I also like how you looked in the mirror and repeated those words. My mate has achieved some awesome things in his lifetime yet doesn't recognise them.

Definitely a work in progress...but hey aren't we all!!

Cheers gents, appreciate your time.

Mark.

[Croix]

Dear Mark

How are you getting on with your mate? I do know that trying to help someone close without map or compass can leave one feeling lost/frustrated/guilty etc.

For about 3 months my offspring, who was far away, would ring me once or twice a day crying out because his partner had just died. In that situation there was a lot of talk, a lot of repetition, a lot of questions to which there are no answers except time.

I know your situation is different and you wish to go deeper than just offering comfort and help cure the underlying causes, It's just that I can just relate to the helplessness one can feel.

However you did sound pretty hopeful that the mirror/self reflection method might help (if I knew you better I might risk saying that's almost a pun).

Regards

Croix

[MarkJT]

Croix, he is going pretty well for someone who had a significant mental health event a cple of weeks back. Is a lot more honest about things and has opened up to his psych about other matters which is really good.

Still very much got a lot of work to do, but i feel that he is on the right track for sure.

Certainly has been a tiring few weeks though but it is all resilience building which is great.

Cheers

Mark