Major adjustments and not coping

[Winterfell]

I posted a while back about my husband who has depression - he had a month as an inpatient then we had a months holiday with the kids which went pretty well and now we are all back at home. He is not working but fortunately has income protection so he has taken over house duties and the kids while I continue working my ordinary job and I have taken some casual work on top of that.

I am tiring and losing hope - he is still depressed and angry and thinks he isnt on the right medication. I keep trying to say there is no magic pill, he has entrenched negative thinking and self talk and all this will take time. He does weekly groups and sees a therapist and a psychiatrist regularly. I guess I am going through a bit of a rough spot I feel like the life we once had has been broken, that my husband of many years has gone. I have tried to be supportive and loving over the last year but I feel like I dont know how much longer I can cope. He is so overly sensitive that I have to be really careful how I talk to him, suggestions are taken as criticisms, if i am tired he blames himself, if I am upset its all his fault, I cant really do anything without him interpreting it as relating to him. He doesnt work so he is alone with his thoughts all day while the boys are at school, I try to encourage him that this is a marathon, not a sprint, to do mindfulness and small things each day for his mental health but he just seems so stuck and I cant keep trying to prop him up. I guess I just wanted to get some of this out, its weighing heavily on me as I feel the kids are being impacted now, my oldest son has started negative self talk like his Dad and I thought keeping the family together was a good thing but now im not so sure. thanks for listening

[Starwolf]

Hi Winterfell,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Many people who care for their loved ones suffering this cruel illness will relate to the way you feel.

Depression can be all consuming. It doesn't only affect one person but also all those around him/her. Learning how to cope is a steep learning curve. It often happens that a carer's personal needs are left unmet. It means we lose track of ourselves and things become unbalanced. Having been sole carer for a daughter suffering accidental brain injury, I know how easily this can happen.

Finding me time or taking time out is not easy but it is a necessity if we want to avoid burning out. You are doing a difficult, wonderful job caring for your husband but caring for yourself and finding support is just as important. So please look after your own needs by making this happen. It may be by taking up a new activity, going back to a previous hobby, going out for a coffee with friends...anything that you enjoy or once enjoyed doing.

Starting a diary or journal helps vent and clarify thoughts and emotions to yourself. Writing can be a journey of discovery in itself because it can bring to the surface unsuspected feelings. People are often amazed by what they actually wrote...

And of course, connecting with other carers via these forums can also help. It is a safe network of warm-hearted people. There's always someone willing to listen, share thoughts and ideas, offer support etc... Navigating the Social Zone section offers an opportunity to get away from it all, discuss any topic of interest, play games, indulge creativity or just chill out at the Cafe in great company.

Kindest thoughts.

[Wednesday]

Hi Winterfell,

You must be feeling exhausted. As Star said depression impacts on not only the individual bit those around them too. You have a lot to manage and it can't all be about supporting your husband. I'm sorry that your husband is in such a rotten spot. It's not fun but from what you have said he seems to be having support from a number of areas. Where is your support? I can see from your message you are feeling overwhelmed by what is happening. If you crash where does that leave you all?

Again as Star said you need 'me' time. What can you do to recharge your batteries? Can you take some time out just for fun, a night out with the girls, pickup an hobby that has been neglected, a walk in the park, etc? Really it is whatever works for you and it is important that you make you a priority. Don't feel like you are neglecting your family, by having some me time you'll come back refreshed and find it easier to cope.

I wonder if it is worth talking to the school counsellor / teacher and let them know what is happening. Maybe they can keep an eye on your children? Just to add in a little more support for you.

As Star mentioned (she always has great advice) the forum is a great place to let off steam and find people that understand what you are going through and there is lots of info that may be useful.

Good luck, come back anytime and let us know how you are going.

Here's a hug (if your into hugs). 🙂

W.

[Winterfell]

Thank you both for taking the time to reply. I usually take time for myself, go running, do puzzles, go to a cafe, hang out with my kids but I have been sick with a cold and working extra days due to my 2 jobs.

My husband alternates between being kind and angry/irritable, its taking a big strain on the family and exhausting me. I sort of cant get away from him because he is at home all the time and I am too sick to be out and about. He has given up again I think, we had an argument this morning as he spoke to me harshly then my youngest son talked back and then everyone was fighting in the car. He is full of self loathing and wants to leave us. I am almost too tired to keep fighting for our marriage, its so up and down at the moment 😞

[Wednesday]

Hi Winterfell,

What a beast of a morning, ugh. Your husbands depression is having negative effect on your family.

Umm, it really sounds like you need some help. What support can you call on? Who is around that could take hubby out for a while to get him out of your hair and give him a new experience? Take the kids for a weekend or something similar?

Can you speak to your GP about how hard this is for you? It sounds like you have been trying to handle this all alone. Depression is rotten but he also has to take some responsibility for his behaviour.

Don't forget that you can call the chat line 1300 22 4636.

Good luck.

[Carmela]

Hi Winterfell, I understand the difficulty you are experiencing and its unrelenting pressure on your heart and mind. From experience, it becomes important that we redirect our focus on children and ourselves. A partners depression and moods are something we cannot control. So for your children, have you sat down with them to talk about depression? COPMI (Children of Parents with Mental Illness) - provide some great and free resources online. Google them for details. I used COPMI references to explain depression to my son. He found them easy to understand and related to the material.

So what are you doing for you? You have been given some wonderful suggestions from Contributors. It sounds like from your posts that you are struggling to cope with your partner's moods etc., so this is a signal to find some coping mechanisms to build up your resilience. A GP is a great place to start. They can direct you to local services in your area. I used a mixture of counselling, daily journaling, online support groups on Facebook and onsite support groups provided by Mind Australia. It's important to talk about your feelings regularly rather than waiting for the kettle to boil over so to speak.

We are here for you and support is never far away. Hang in there and write back if you need a place to release.

Carmela

[Winterfell]

Thanks for the time to reply. I got out to the park eith the kids Sunday then was well enough to hit the gym and had coffee with my dearest friend on my day off today which has brightened my mood. I have a mental health clinician background myself and still work closely with local mental health services so am much more comfortable seeking support online. Even just coming on here and typing stuff out is a real help, I dont bottle it all up.

the kids and I watched a reading of 'the colour thief' on you tube sunday. Its a good kids storybook about a boy and his dad who has depression. My kids seem to be very forgiving of their Dad and gave him extra hugs yesterday. I have very supportive parents who regularly take the kids overnight and help with school pickups etc. It just happened they were away when things blew up on Saturday.

my husband has a new medication added to his other 2 meds so I hope that helps too but I am working on a goal this week to think about myself more and my husband less! It sounds a bit horrible but I read a thing today about being available not intrusive. I realised sometimes I try too hard or push my husband to engage with me or the kids and it backfires if he is anxious or unsettled.

[Wednesday]

Hi Winterfell ( I assume you are a GoT fan?)

Well done with you, hubby and the kids, (wish I could figure out how to put a gold star on a post)! You sound so much brighter.

Good for you getting out and about on the weekend. It sounds like it was really worthwhile and helped give you some space to clear your head. I love your new new goal to work on yourself more and husband less.

Keep up the great work and come vent anytime.

W

[Anony18]

Hi Winterfell

Firstly it is horrible to hear that you and the children are going through this but it is great to hear you have a good support network. Plus well done on helping your kids understand as well as finding time-out for yourself. We definitely need to ensure we take time-out for ourselves (as all the resources and forum posts I have read!) to assist with our own mental health. It is a tough thing to do without feeling guilty sometimes however we need to remind ourselves of that. The last thing you want to do is result in forgoing your own mental health to assist your loved ones. I have seen it in my partner who has had alot of tragedies occur to him the past 5 years, including losing his father. He had forgone dealing with his own mental issues for the sake of supporting his mum and sibling (who has PTSD & depression) that now coming close to a milestone birthday my partner has a life crisis.

The good thing is that he recognised it and informs me he needs some space to focus on himself in order to move on. The tough part is 1) he still has to support his family whilst going through this and 2) currently has pushed me away which is tough on me but forums and website like this is helping me cope.

Note I too realised that I may have pushed him too hard lately trying to get him to talk to me about what he going through and how support him plus also express my insecurities about him drifting away. This resulted in him having a go at me especially after a tough night with his sibling acting up. Reading the forums now - I realise that I should have taken a slight step back and been a bit more understanding of his situation. So hopefully I haven't ruined anything!

Definitely keep up the great work. I hope the new meds is working for your husband. It is people like you that inspire people like me and forums like this that give me some hope!

Anony18

[Winterfell]

I just wanted to pop back in to say thanks for the support and that things are going well.

my husbands new medication has really helped and he is going to weekly therapy groups and making great strides. I see more and more of his old self coming back and we are able to joke and laugh again. He is coping well with the kids and it's a great thingfor their relationship that he isn't working and they have dad to do the school run and holiday care.

i feel hopeful for the future and in some ways the depression has taught us both how important stress management and self care are.