Husband appears depressed, affecting me and our children

[Blue_Bubbles]

Hi, first time poster here.

My husband of 8 yrs has seemed depressed for a while.....he doesn't sleep well, finds it hard to relax, drinks too much, has put on weight, and gets very stressed with me and the children. He's often really not very nice to us. Too touchy, short fuse. He says he's depressed when we talk about it, but yet won't do anything about it because "it won't help".

I believe it's caused significant issues with our oldest son, who's nearly 6. Kids are now saying "I don't like Daddy" which I know breaks his heart, but he doesn't help the situation either by how he parents them. I chatted to my son's psychologist about this, and she said he sounds depressed, and we both just filled in questionnaires about mental health but yet to see her for results.

A lot of the time he blames me for his depression/stress, because of lack of intimacy/connection (in my eyes caused by his mood, over many years). He seems to be a bit of a gaslighter as well, in that he sometimes tries to portray things differently to how they actually happened or tells me I did things that I didn't do. He doesn't take responsibility for his actions, but rather blames me for him behaving that way. Living with him can be very unpleasant at times, very stressful. I have become so used to it, that I think I accept his behaviours too much rather than saying 'hey that's not ok'.

Any advice please?

Thank you

[blondguy]

Hello Blue Bubbles, Welcome and Congrats on your 1st Post too!

I am sorry that you and your children have to be going through this Blue. Two words rang heaps of bells for me reading your post....."Short Fuse"......and the other indicators you have mentioned. You are pro-active by engaging a psychologist...a smart move. Just to clarify, did you and your son fill in the questionnaires or did you and your husband?

I understand exactly where you are coming from Blue as I was diagnosed with depression 20 years ago and been on anti-depressants (small dosage) every day of those 20 years which have provided me with a platform so I can use the various coping mechanisms available.

You husband said 'it wont help'.....was that in regard to seeing a therapist? This smacks of denial Blue. He is also blaming you....another sign by him shifting the cause of his illness onto you.

You are in a dark place right now Blue....If I may ask you, how long has your husband been this way? We may be able to offer you a more accurate picture of whats happening..if we know a rough time frame. Also....is your husband having any difficulty at work...or has any anxiety symptoms? (sorry for the questions Blue)

For your young son to come out and say what he has speaks volumes. I find the blame you are getting detrimental not only to yourself but your children. Blaming you for not being intimate is also part of the problem as when someone is suffering from depression they dont really inspire any intimacy.

This is only my opinion after having depression (and actively sought help) It is crucial that he see's his GP asap....which would be a huge step towards his recovery. My GP diagnosed my illness and helped without a psychiatrist with the prescription.

You shouldnt have to 'become used to it'. You and your childrens health is paramount here..all other considerations are secondary

You are absolutely spot on Blue......"Hey, thats not on" Depression is no excuse for even the slightest emotional abuse. I am sorry if I have been too blunt....

There are many kind people on the forums that can be here for you Blue. It would be great if you could post back about that time frame......when convenient for you of course.

My kind thoughts for you

Paul

[geoff]

dear Blue, when your husband is in denial then it is so hard for him to even accept any points you make to him, however Paul has replied with an excellent comment which I hope helps you.
Although we aren't allowed to diagnose anybody as we're not qualified, it would still be fair to say that after having depression for such a long time ourselves, we could suggest, as I would do to my brother, that it does seem to be that he is struggling with depression, however he would still need to see a doctor for this diagnosis.
When he is in denial then he won't even think about accepting any blame, because everyone else is to blame so the reasons just multiple, but it's never his fault, this makes it so hard to live with him especially when he doesn't understand that he needs help.
What all of this is causing for you and the kids is to come off second best, in other words it's making all of you to become stressed out as well starting to feel upset or more so beginning to feel depressed, so the situation now becomes very tense, as there is a great possibility that his drinking may increase.
It maybe OK for you to become used to his behaviour, but it's not healthy for you, nor is it healthy for your kids, and as Paul says 'depression is no excuse for any emotional abuse', as you are never sure what sort of abuse may happen.
Would it be possible for you to click onto 'Get Support' at the top of the page and scroll down until you find 'information resourses' and then order all the printed material from BB, it's all free, and I'm sure that you could sit down with the kids and go over some of the points as well as leave it around hoping that your husband will start to read it, this may then make him decide to go and see his doctor.
Really hope that we can hear back from you because this maybe a long road so we want to help you. Geoff. x

[Blue_Bubbles]

Hi Paul, yes me and my husband were given the questionnaires to do, in relation to my son's appointment to see how we are as a family. So him getting the results of that will be interesting, as I've seen what he scored himself. maybe hearing it from the psychologist will have more impact, if she see's a problem as no diagnosis yet. And yes he says seeing a therapist won't help, only resolving the issues between us will, but then much of that is because of how he behaves in the first place!

He is in a pressured sales job and works long hours so that doesn't help. We don't have family around to look after the kids and give us a break.

He's been this way for years really. But worse in the last couple.

Thanks for your post!

[Blue_Bubbles]

Hi Geoff

Yes I'll get some more information for him from here, though I doubt at the moment he'll respond to it, however I'm hopeful that through discussion with our son's psychologist in ten days time he may see there is an issue with his behaviour. Because he doesn't want to hear it from me! I was very honest with her, more so than I can be with anyone, because I've really just had enough. I can't face being a single parent, the workload is insane with three under 6, plus I work part time. However, we are not a healthy functioning family.

I really appreciate your reply!

[Blue_Bubbles]

So I tried tonight to have a conversation about this and how we're both feeling. I was honestly very calm and non accusing. Just asking how he was and what we could do.

All I got in response was blame...."too little too late, this is the only time in twelve months you've made an effort, this is making it worse, you haven't done anything to try to fix things, you put me under so much stress...." etc etc.

He was very angry. I stayed calm despite him making quite a few things up that I'd never said or done. I was just trying to take it in and listen carefully to his responses.

One point was he wants to exercise, but when I agreed that was a good idea he said he never gets time because I need him home after work to help with the kids, and basically just cut me off. Any further conversation attempts were me "failing to focus on the big picture" by talking too much about exercise.

We discussed help with how he's feeling, or tried to, and apparently I said "Just go get some pills" which I never have said. Putting words in my mouth. I suggested one thing he could do is chat to the GP but he said "I don't have time to go to the doctor" despite working next door to one. He has health and dental issues that he's not followed up appropriately.

So, I'm feeling like there is nothing I can say or do at this stage. If I don't try, it's wrong and if I do try like tonight, I'm wrong for not trying sooner. That was basically his message...."why are you doing this now?".

Feeling confused, helpless and sad. I didn't think I was that bad of wife. He really thinks I'm that terrible. I'm torn between utter outrage and wondering if that's in fact true.

I'm to the point where I know something needs to change, but really don't think he'll do anything about it with me.

[blondguy]

Hey Blue, thankyou for posting back....

If I may quote you: "he says seeing a therapist won't help, only resolving the issues between us will" also your husband mentioned "I don't have time to go to the doctor"

This is the illness talking Blue....it will never be his 'fault'

I see that Geoff has given some great advice above too. Having had depression and been aggro (which made my girlfriend leave me...I dont blame her)

Would your husband agree to come with you to a 'joint' appointment (even though it would be to help him of course) to a counselor?

If you receive a 'no' to even a joint visit...would explain volumes Blue...sorry to be blunt...

(Hug) for you if thats okay of course. You and your children deserve some peace and happiness...not this..

My Best, Paul x

[Winterfell]

Blue you are not a bad wife, you are doing your best with a challenge that tests relationships and breaks many. Depression is a beast, it can take the one you love and turn them into an angry, irritable, negative, fragile, fearful person.

Irritability and anger can mask severe depression especially in middle aged men who have significant pressure to stay in jobs of high stress to support their family. Your husband sounds like he is in significant emotional distress and is externalising blame. Its really hard at this stage, its great he is help seeking but it sounds like even that is stressing him out. I would definitely recommend going to see someone together so you can understand more about whats happening for him and also show your support. Equally a third party can help set some boundaries around whats okay and not during this time.

my husband got very unwell. So irritable and angry and I was in despair. He ended up going into a clinic and was a shell of himself for a while there. Kids and jobs and household pressures are too much when you are very depressed. I learnt to see when my husband was getting frazzled and we put a plan in place that he just takes off to his mancave or walks the dog or hits the gym to relax. Its hard and it takes time but for us the way forward was as a team against the depression. I feel bad in retrospect about how much pressure he was under, his body is deteriorating from his early years of manual work, he was in an extremely high stress job that he hated, he had 2 young boys to parent and support, he has his own issues to do with his father and generally low esteem and social anxiety to start with.

I wish you the very best and hope your husband can open up and get the help he needs. In the meantime you have to be selfish and do things just for you that you enjoy during this stressful time. Head out with the kids, spend time with family, get a great dvd, run a bubble bath, head to the beach, whatever you enjoy and relaxes you. Very best wishes.

[Winterfell]

Blue I am sorry I got your post mixed up with McSunnys and posted here wrongly. I just realised your hubby isnt seeking therapy, that makes it so much harder as there isnt alot you can do. Its unpleasant that he is blaming you and the relationship rather than realising perhaps he isnt coping. Is there anything you could say or do to make him realise the strain the family is under?

[Blue_Bubbles]

Hi Winterfell, that's ok mix ups happen!

I've tried to say how bad it's affecting us, and how we need help, not just him, to sort everything out, but he told me there's nothing to discuss. I think he knows the strain but we're so used to it it seems normal. He also says I contribute towards a lot of it, and sure I'm not blamless I do a lot of wrong but, last night we were trying to help a sick relative and get her to hospital and in his efforts to organise everything he told me I "drip stupidity" and was very horrible towards me, and tried to say I have been acting the same to him. I most definitely haven't!!! But then this morning he wants me to cuddle him and is all nice towards me.

I feel like issuing an ultimatum but have no way of following through. We don't have the money to live separately, and all our family are overseas. So we're kind of stuck together.

Hi Paul,

Yes I think at this point he's refusing a joint visit. I will persevere though, for as long as I can, so I'm showing I want to help fix things together. He seems to think I should just make an effort though, and everything would be ok. Putting it all back on me with no responsibility taken for his own behaviour which I refuse to accept the blame for. I guess they'll come a point, if he won't engage, that I'll have to put my children first and wall away, somehow......