Living with a Depressed Husband

[Mia-rose]

My husband has depression, anxiety and PTSD, resulting from a work injury in March 2016. As a carer, I'm now at the point where walking away and kicking him to the curb sounds like a great solution. If I could find someone who'd want him, I'd pay them to take him. I am a person who at time cannot function how much he's worn me down. I'm starting to think he's a jeckyl and hyde. He's abusive with money and has basically made my daughters and I prisoners in our own home, fearing that spending money on going out is going to cause an outburst. Everytime I park, drive talk or the girls do something he's not happy with, it's my fault. As much as I hate to say it, I think we'd be better off if he had died on that day. My life would've been more simpler. I cannot have compassion for a man who constantly nitpicks at my girls, who are virtually prisoners in their bedrooms. One of my girls, can't stand him! If I could just walk away, I would. Being on workers comp. hasn't been easy and we virtually have more debts than before. As much as I hate to say this, at times I totally despise him and think the accident was to teach him a lesson. He's become a selfish human who deserves to be left on his own. At times, I wish I could have him institutionalised.

[blondguy]

Hello Mia-Rose

Im sorry that you havent had a response yet. We are usually pretty quick in posting back.

Its sad to read what you have been going through Mia-Rose. I understand the depression side of things as its been with me (under management/counseling) for 21 years.

Can I ask if your husband is having regular counseling at all? This is crucial to his short and long term recovery and thus would be more than beneficial to your family.

Your and your daughters health is paramount. With all respect to your husband's work injury you still have the right to a reasonably happy home environment that is also positive for your daughters as well.

The forums are a rock solid safe place for you to post Mia.

I hope you can post back to us when convenient for you.

My apologies for the late response........and My kind thoughts for you

Paul

[Redhuta]

Hi Mia-Rose,

I am separated from my husband a few months ago. Your situation sounds worse than mine however I reached the last straw. Thankfully I am employed and although its hard I finally gave up hope he would getter better and have finally been “set free”so to speak.

My husband is on medication and I hope will keep his therapy and I have made this compolsory as part of our co parenting action plan.

I have no real advice but just know your not alone. Wishing you and your children all the best.

[Mia-rose]

Hi Paul, he's had two therapist's, the first one I was so upset one day after 10 sessions and at my wits end called her. When I spoke to her I found out he wasn't telling her the truth or, should I say bending it. The second one insisted on him doing breathing for his pain, (his accident resulted in Trigeminal Neuralgia and the loss of his eye) and it got to the point where my husband got so frustrated, he didn't continue with her. It's been very hard going through this and I've been begging work cover to find someone who will deal with his trauma. I've had to keep his behaviour a secret from family for fear of them hating him. I started working and didn't last two months as I've lost all my confidence. He's given me anxiety driving, parking. we can't talk at the dinner table as he needs to listen to the news. He's not the man I met and growing up with a father with severe depression, I don't think I can take it anymore. I spent many nights not understanding why my father was such an angry and crying myself to sleep, feeling like I wasn't good enough for him. We can be having a conversation and if we say the wrong thing or speak to loud, we're told to quieten down. My daughters have spent most of their holidays locked up in their rooms. If he's in a good mood, then we'll go out for lunch but somehow he manages to ruin all our outings. We have to be scared to go out if he's angry as he'll turn around and say that the car is his. As terrible as my first post was and, the feelings I have, I'm human too and not sure if I can take it any longer.

[blondguy]

Hi Mia-Rose

You are in a bad place as from what you have posted Mia

I feel for you and your children as you know Mia. Can I ask you if your husband has had medication recommended to him to aid his recovery? I have been on a low dose antidepressant for over 20 years to benefit my coping skills and to stop the mood fluctuations I used to have. (Thats just for my own depression of course)

You are not alone here Mia. You and your daughters health are paramount at this stage. Please forgive me for asking another question.....have you been to a joint appointment with your husband?

Paul

[White_Rose]

Dear Mia-rose

Hello and welcome. It's good you can come here and talk about your feelings and life circumstances, though I wish that was not the case.

I finally found the courage to leave my husband after 30 years. I wish I had the courage and resources much earlier. My children had grown up and left home by this time. You said you thought you were the person at fault for not being good enough when you were a child, and this is such a destructive way of living. It is so hard to learn you are worthwhile after living in such a traumatic situation.

May I ask, you said your daughters have spent the holidays locked in their rooms. Do you mean literally locked up and was it their choice or your husband's.

If you have decided to leave him it's best to get organised before you go. You said you had a job but left because you lost your confidence. If you are going to leave I think you need a job to generate an income. Unless of course matters escalate and you need to leave in a hurry. Talk to the people at your nearest women's refuge for advice. They will have a separate office to the refuge.

I think Redhuta made a good point about her husband staying on medication as part of the parenting agreement. It's a good idea to do this if you leave. I tell women with similar difficulties to yours to get good legal advice. It's expensive so contact the Women's Legal Service (WLS) in your state. They can give you one or two free legal consultations. Not sure which. Before you go ask the WLS what information you should take with you. If you only have on appointment it's vital you take all the information you can and that includes your husband's medical condition. Also a list of all his behaviours and how they affect you and your children. No good trying to protect him. It will just make life harder for you.

You have kept your husband's medical condition secret in case his family hate him. I take it you mean his extended family not your daughters. This is not a good idea. They are the people who can support and help you but if they do not know what's happening. If he lies to his therapist are you certain he does not lie about you?

There comes a time when enough is enough. You are the only person who can make that decision but I strongly urge you to find out about your rights, get a job if possible and make plans to leave. My husband said our house belonged to him. I knew that was untrue but it was intimidation. So be sure who owns what and don't be intimidated.

Mary

[Mia-rose]

Hi Mary,

Thank-you for your kind words. My daughters stay in their bedrooms as they don't want to be out in the lounge room with him. He takes control of the television and at times, doesn't talk to any of us. They also try to avoid his outbursts and constant nit picking and yelling. My older daughter just got into UNI and he insists on telling her that she better work out how to get there and learn how to catch public transport or, he'll say he can't see her liking the course she's doing and, how much is this going to cost, not realising he's making her very unhappy about attending. He sleeps in every morning to lunch time and is constantly on my back about something. Everything is my fault, the kids are lazy it's your fault, my older daughter hasn't gone for a driving lesson yet, it's your fault. One night we just arrived at my mothers and he saw a car parking. He asked me who it was and I said don't worry it's no body and he screamed at me. He will have a tantrum if he doesn't get his own way and has made me re-park my car once we've exited, or just laugh if he thinks the car might be a little crooked. Believe me, he acts very different in front of others. The eight weeks I was working he ordered my daughter around to hang up clothes and clean. One day he made her hang them, then take them off as it looked like it was raining and then rehang them and, he sat there laughing at her. I am convinced he has something wrong with his brain because at times, he doesn't act like he's normal and at a childish level. He hasn't driven since the accident and we have to ask him if he wants to come every-time we go out, for fear of a tantrum. He'll also acknowledge or say something and, then turn around and deny it. My middle daughter is very angry with him and she's the one he's constantly picking on. I will say that at times he can be very giving and we catch a slight glimpse of who he used to be, but right now if I had money I'd leave everything behind and move states. I wouldn't even bother telling my family, who are so selfish and have offered me no help. I only visit my parents once a week and I have to listen to their problems and their issues. I can't even go there for a coffee and relax for half hour without listening to their problems. The only thing that keeps me sane is job hunting and I'm praying every-night hoping I can get out of this hell hole.

[Mia-rose]

Hi Paul, we've had a few joint sessions with the 2nd therapist, one where I actually drove to her office begging her for help. My husband was very open with this therapist and he acknowledged his behaviour towards the family. When I asked her if she could please focus on helping him deal with his trauma and not the breathing sessions for now, she turned around and advised he's be better off seeing a male therapist as they she had not been able to build a connection with him. He's been prescribed medication to help treat TN unsuccessfully as he's had side effects with all of them - Epilem, Logem etc, these are just two of them, Currently he's not on any medication. He keeps me up all night as he doesn't sleep and one noise will set him off. He'll get up a dozen times to check windows/doors etc and then just stay in the lounge room. At times, he's in bed by 5am and then he'll just sleep his day away.

[White_Rose]

Hello Mia-rose

My heart just breaks reading your story. Such a lot to deal with and no end in sight. Are you keeping any records of his behaviour and the effect on you and your daughters? I think this is vitally important. Does he have a worker comp case going? If so can you get some help from these people? Have you talked to them about his counselling? If the current psych is not doing anything worthwhile then the workcover people should step in and send him to a psychiatrist, which is what I believe he needs.

Have you talked to your doctor and can he/she send him to a different therapist. I think you need to inform all these people of the psychologist's opinion. She should be sending regular reports to work cover and informing them he needs a different therapist. This situation is ridiculous.

Failing all that the only option left is to leave. Your own health, mental and physical plus that of your daughters, is at risk. You are coping in an horrendous situation. Have you contacted the mental health team in your local psychiatric hospital. If you think you are at risk it is a legitimate reason to ask for help. He may not be physically threatening but the psychological abuse is wicked. Please get in touch with these organisations, especially the mental health team.

I know it will not be easy but can you refuse to pander to him? Do you think he will harm you? I am at a bit of a loss on what else to suggest. I will see what help is available.

Mary

[nickypee]

So sorry to hear that Mia Rose. This is a very familiar situation for me. I have a friend in the exact same position and they just left after over 15 years of abuse and unhappiness. They are doing really well now and are very happy including the children. I would get out now. Your husband has to do therapy and work on himself. It's horrible having to walk on eggshells around someone that is so irritable. Unfortunately with some people, they don't wake up to their bad behaviour until it's all too late and they have lost everything.