Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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Boyfriend has severe depression & is pushing me away

replies: 1

Been with my boyfriend for 4 years (both in mid 20s), although the last 2 weeks have been a rollercoaster. Out of what seems like no where, my boyfriend admitted he was struggling mentally & insisted that to better himself, we couldn't be together anymore. Saying he needed to make radical changes within his life. I pleaded with him to let me in, let me help, but he wouldn't budge. He said things like how we're on different paths, how he thinks he is dragging me down & how I deserve more than how he treats me. Even though he insists he would never find someone better than me, he insists we have to break up. This hit me hard, especially considering it coming out of no where. So different than the outgoing, funny guy that I'm used to. The next day we had a long conversation & he decided having some time apart to work on himself is whats best, after that we can re-evaluate how he feels & if the future includes me. He let me in slightly on how he was feeling, showing me a journal entry of how he felt, saying things like how he felt like he was dying inside, how he felt pathetic, mediocre & alone. It absolutely tears me apart to think that he's feeling this way & I am potentially a cause to his pain, & how I could have done something to help before it got to this point. Over the past few months I've noticed he has been taking "party drugs" much more frequently & heavily. It kills me that he's doing this to himself but he insists that it's the only way he's been getting any form of happiness recently. I suggested to him to stop with the drugs & see someone about his mental health (even simply calling a helpline) but he refused. After a week (what he suggested) I contacted him to see how he was feeling asking if he wanted to catch up & he said no as he was working on things & wanted to get his head right before seeing me again. He told me he saw a doctor & was working on a mental health plan. A few days later I asked if he wanted to grab coffee & his reply was quite short saying how he "didn't want to complicate this", "not to push him" & how he was "doing this for me" & not to make him "stop all together". But it seems as if I was the only change within his life as he continues to go out, see friends, etc. While I'm left by myself struggling to comprehend this. I guess I'm really struggling with 1. dealing with this myself & 2. wondering what I can do to help him. Any advice or hearing anyone in similar situations would be greatly appreciated, thank you.

Lost and depressed - How to support my teenager?

replies: 3

My 13th daughter refused to go to school today, another day similar to last year. She is seeing a psychologist, a psychiatrist but nothing seems to work. Now she is lying there, and I'm so depressed. What you do, as a parent to support your child on ... View more

Supporting my adult child

replies: 1

First timer. I have a 40 y/o daughter who was diagnosed with pnd after the birth of her second child and it has been a battle since. Her marriage broke up and then she became involved with a man who has his own issues and used excessive alcohol to deal with things. My daughter now is doing the same. Following an AVO a few months ago my daughter assured me that things are now under control. However reports from other family members indicate that she is lying. My concern is not just for her but also for my grandchildren. My daughter has a history of presenting as if everything is good until she falls in a heap. An incident a few months ago ended at hospital where she admitted that she had been using alcohol to deal with things and agreed to go back to her doctor to link back in with mental health services. She tells me that she is still seeing her therapist regularly but I’m not sure if this is true. She is alienating her family unless they are willing to accept this relationship. I’m not sure whether I should push things with her and risk being totally cut off or just sit and wait for another drama. Any advise?

Managing Finances with Bipolar Partner

replies: 2

My partner is bipolar and has some level of high functioning Aspergers. They are also the main breadwinner. However despite having a reasonable income every month we struggle. His focus is more on incomings and outgoings and no matter how many times I try and discuss finances we hit a wall. He has an idea that he is the man and the breadwinner so he should do it. So completely shuts down about it. I try and map out our outgoings and he is unresponsive, rude and irritable. Each month it feels like he sets himself up for failure by being too ambitious about his budget expectations and expenses. Then punished himself for not doing what is wanted to do. Has anyone got any advice or tips from experience as to how to deal with this? I’m really at my wits end.

Helping my son in the next stage of his life

replies: 2

Hi all, My son was diagnosed with Selective Mutism in primary school and has struggled immensely ever since. He has just completed Year 12 which I am so proud of. He is however isolated as his severe anxiety and social phobia prevents him from deciding what he wants to do next. He has applied for part-time work with no luck as yet. He also has expressed an interest in completing some type of course but is unsure what he wants to do. He lacks confidence and is very awkward in social settings. Is there anyone who can assist with strategies or anyone who is also experiencing the same thing with a family member. Any help would be appreciated. Thank you.

Partner with Anxiety?

replies: 11

Hi, like many others on these forums I am also new. I have been with my partner for 12 years and looking back on everything I believe he has had issues for the whole time. There has always been at least one person who was out to get him. He used to covertly tape record conversations. About 2 years when visiting his family overseas, he booked himself into ER as he believed his drink had been spiked and wanted some tests down - this was about the third time he believed this has happened. Results were negative. His sister – a psychiatric nurse said that he had anxiety. His niece has anxiety and they believe his father did too. He saw a psychologist and then a hypnotist for about 6 months. Since seeing the hypnotist people have been telling him stories that are fabricated and then a trigger goes off in his head. We have lived in a city - population 150,000 for the last 4 years and he does not trust anyone who lives here. I went with him to see the psychologist about 2 months ago and he has seen him twice more. Things are getting worse but he says things are getting better. He continues to meditate and tells me this will fix him as he no longer has anxiety. He wants to sue the hypnotist. We no longer sleep in the same room as he needs to meditate when he wakes at night. He has started locking the bedroom door when he sleeps. We have no friend anymore and I am very cautious about what I say to him and what others might say to him. Can anyone tell me how I can help him? Do I need to give him space and stay out of his road? How can I encourage him to seek help? I have tried to contact his sister – but no response.

Living with a Depressed Husband

replies: 10

My husband has depression, anxiety and PTSD, resulting from a work injury in March 2016. As a carer, I'm now at the point where walking away and kicking him to the curb sounds like a great solution. If I could find someone who'd want him, I'd pay them to take him. I am a person who at time cannot function how much he's worn me down. I'm starting to think he's a jeckyl and hyde. He's abusive with money and has basically made my daughters and I prisoners in our own home, fearing that spending money on going out is going to cause an outburst. Everytime I park, drive talk or the girls do something he's not happy with, it's my fault. As much as I hate to say it, I think we'd be better off if he had died on that day. My life would've been more simpler. I cannot have compassion for a man who constantly nitpicks at my girls, who are virtually prisoners in their bedrooms. One of my girls, can't stand him! If I could just walk away, I would. Being on workers comp. hasn't been easy and we virtually have more debts than before. As much as I hate to say this, at times I totally despise him and think the accident was to teach him a lesson. He's become a selfish human who deserves to be left on his own. At times, I wish I could have him institutionalised.

Urgent Need for Advice - Sis Just Admitted to Alcohol and Drug Abuse (Sexual Abuse Trigger Warning)

replies: 1

Hi all. I'm new and don't know where to go for help in dealing with my sis. I need to give you background which will explain why she took this path and I didn't. I was sexually abused (2 to 14) and at the age of 8 ? she saw me in the Uncle's bed; I didn't know until years later. He targeted me, not her, because I was quiet. he lived on a farm and he'd ask us over. Our parents had no clue. when she came out with me, id still go to him as 'trained'. She'd cry and beg me not to leave and I'd cry too. For yrs I carried guilt that I'd left her alone and she carried her guilt 'that she didn't stop it'. she kept the secret, but she was tough and she told him she was going to tell. When 11, he tried to drown her. This was witnessed by his brother, who rescued her. At 14, she spoke up, police called, he went to gaol, all focus on me. I got counselling, she got nothing. Her statement was not used. unfortunately we never talked, because I was dealing with my stuff and she put walls up. She started drinking and smoking pot at 15. started speed in her 20s. our mother died unexpectly last year and our father soon after. more secrets were revealed. Now in our 40s. my sis wanted answers/revenge. She feels guilty to this day for not stopping it. I've tried to tell her she was only a kid. she doesn't work, I do. she has kids, I don't. i was doing weekly counselling, the past got mixed in. It was hard work. This Christmas she begged me to join her. It was horrible. She used deflection, avoidance and told me BS. She was drunk every night, slept until 2pm. She had friends over - strangers. I was still grieving. She never talked to me, about anything. 1 night she said she was avoiding me. she told my husband she still uses, inc coke, this has now been 29 yrs. I never have or will as I need to be in control. 2 nights ago she confessed (via text) to drinking too much and taking drugs. She does it to numb the pain. I had already figured it was a coping strategy. She tries to invoke me, I don't bite. I've figured out all her tactics. i have told her, I won't judge, will support her and that I'm sorry she's going through this. i have asked for facts, via email; will see if I get lies. my husband is worried this will affect me. Of course it does! I'm devastated! It's taken many yrs of hard work for me to get to where I am. he doesn't understand, I can't turn my back. id like help on what to do, say, don't say. I've given her a link to online counselling for A&D addiction.

Husband is abusing medication

replies: 7

I have been with my husband for many years. We have a child and another one on the way - due to arrive in 10 weeks. Before I go into details about my husband I should say that when we had our first, I suffered from perinatal anxiety/depression and then PTSD due to a traumatic birth process. I know this also had an impact on my husband too. I kept my PTSD to myself for the first 6 months of my child's life, but finally told my husband and got successful help for it when I couldn't hold it in any longer. My husband reacted badly to this and decided that it was all his fault and that I was blaming him. Definitely not the case and I repeatedly assured him of this. And this is where I *think* the problem started. I believe this is around the time that my husband began abusing medication (purchased illegally from someone he worked with - based on text messages I saw). Before I saw any physical evidence I knew something was up, knew when he was 'off his face'. I'm a health care professional and administer a variety of medications on a daily basis at work. I know the signs and symptoms. That and I'm not an idiot. This was then confirmed by finding blister packs of the pills. He would be gloriously happy when high, and a moody shit when hanging out for a fix. There have been times when he has been very unwell and claimed he's had a virus - again I'm not dumb and know that it's withdrawal. The last time that happened I thought that was it, he'd finally woken up to himself and everything was fine for quite a while. Fast forward to a few months ago and I have a feeling it's happening again. Then he spends $700 in 5 weeks out of our bills account. So I check his bag. And there they are. On occasion he must take too much and he'll go to bed at night of a weekend and not wake until after 2pm. I find myself going in to check on his to make sure he's still breathing. And yet somehow, he manages to stay functional - never missing a day of work etc. Last week I had a bad feeling and checked his bag again. HUNDREDS of pills. I have no idea what this would've cost or what he plans to do with them. Creating a stash? Suicide? I've avoided saying anything because I don't know how to approach it without him getting angry or going into denial despite evidence. But I now feel like if I don't say something and he accidentally overdoses it's my fault and my children will grow up asking why I didn't try to help daddy. That and I am become depressed myself. Help?

Supporting a mum with depression without sacrificing my own mental health

replies: 2

I have struggled for years to figure out my relationship with my mum, who suffers from clinical depression. In my 20s and 30s I sought counselling to help me cope with my life. I didn't realise at the time that many of my issues stemmed from feeling unsupported, sad from being around someone who felt like a human black hole and why I was making some fairly bad life decisions. As a family we have coped I think reasonably well with caring for my Dad who died 2 years ago from cancer. However mum has really struggled to figure out how to live her life as a newly single person living 2 States away from her family. She has spent long stretches staying with myself and my brother and has relied heavily on both of us for her happiness and to help her get through an incredibly black time. I feel as though I'm at the end of my ability to have her stay with me. I've had enough. I feel tired and find myself sliding back into the stressed, sad and anxious person that I've worked so hard to heal. I know I'm not responsible for her happiness and I want her to take charge of her life now that we have helped her through this 2 years of pain, breakdown and medication. I can't help but feel that she should get some counselling to help her process everything that has transpired over the last 5 years and make a plan for her new life. Even if it is a day by day thing. She doesn't think she needs this and that family should help her through it. How can I convince her otherwise? Also, how do I ask her to only stay with me a week at a time? She is so emotionally fragile and takes my requests for space so personally.

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

Boyfriend has severe depression & is pushing me away replies: 1

Lost and depressed - How to support my teenager? replies: 3

Supporting my adult child replies: 1

Managing Finances with Bipolar Partner replies: 2

Helping my son in the next stage of his life replies: 2

Partner with Anxiety? replies: 11

Living with a Depressed Husband replies: 10

Urgent Need for Advice - Sis Just Admitted to Alcohol and Drug Abuse (Sexual Abuse Trigger Warning) replies: 1

Husband is abusing medication replies: 7

Supporting a mum with depression without sacrificing my own mental health replies: 2