Partner with Anxiety?

[Tih]

Hi, like many others on these forums I am also new. I have been with my partner for 12 years and looking back on everything I believe he has had issues for the whole time. There has always been at least one person who was out to get him. He used to covertly tape record conversations. About 2 years when visiting his family overseas, he booked himself into ER as he believed his drink had been spiked and wanted some tests down - this was about the third time he believed this has happened. Results were negative. His sister – a psychiatric nurse said that he had anxiety. His niece has anxiety and they believe his father did too. He saw a psychologist and then a hypnotist for about 6 months. Since seeing the hypnotist people have been telling him stories that are fabricated and then a trigger goes off in his head. We have lived in a city - population 150,000 for the last 4 years and he does not trust anyone who lives here.

I went with him to see the psychologist about 2 months ago and he has seen him twice more. Things are getting worse but he says things are getting better. He continues to meditate and tells me this will fix him as he no longer has anxiety. He wants to sue the hypnotist. We no longer sleep in the same room as he needs to meditate when he wakes at night. He has started locking the bedroom door when he sleeps. We have no friend anymore and I am very cautious about what I say to him and what others might say to him.

Can anyone tell me how I can help him? Do I need to give him space and stay out of his road? How can I encourage him to seek help? I have tried to contact his sister – but no response.

[james1]

Hello Tih,

Oh that sounds like it could be very strange to be living in the same house as him and perhaps even a bit worrying to see what's been happening.

Can I ask what it is you would like to help him with? It sounds like he's fairly confident in his own ability to seek help and to 'fix' himself through the meditation. What is it you would like to do?

I noticed that most of that post was about him, but I'm also a little worried about how you are coping through this. You mentioned you don't have any friends anymore. Is that because he doesn't trust them? That might stop him from having friends, but he shouldn't really have a say in who you choose to be friends with.

James

[Tih]

Hi James

Thanks so much for your message. It may sound selfish but what I would like is for things to be normal. When he is not consumed with thoughts of what people are doing to him he is a great guy and a lot of fun. Unfortunately the good times are happening less and are shorter in duration. I feel he needs to see a psychologist and be 100% honest with them, that was why I went with him, but then an hour goes pretty quick. He has said he does not tell them everything.

So if you have any tips on how I can encourage him to see someone and tell the truth that would be great. Meditation is good for him but he needs more help.

As for me well I seem to be getting upset every second day. I cry a lot. He has no friends and does not trust the ones I keep in contact with. I have been staying away from them as I don't want them to pick up that something is wrong.

Many thanks

[james1]

Hello tih,

It is nice to hear back from you.

It does sound exhausting when things are not normal.

I understand your frustration but I think it's a good idea in this case to remember that what he wants in his recovery may be different to what you want.

For example, you want him to be honest with a psychologist, to understand why he is paranoid, and to be less paranoid. He may not want this and you can't really encourage him to get something he doesn't want. Perhaps all he wants is to feel less frantic and, possibly, at this stage that is actually best for him.

You said things are getting worse but that he says things are better. These two could both be true at the same time - things are getting worse for you, but he feels a lot better.

So I think it is best to focus on what you need - if this is the path he wants to take, can you work around it or is it going to be very difficult? From what you've said, it does indeed sound like he's pretty set on this course and seems comfortable doing so.

James

[White_Rose]

Dear Tih

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. Thank you for confiding in us. I hope we can help.

James and Croix have already given you great answers and I hope I can add to their comments.

Like both of them I am concerned about your mental health. You sound very tired and down and I wonder if it would help for you to see your GP and have a good chat. Make a long appointment. It is always helpful to be aware of your own feelings and be able to separate them from those of your partner.

Your partner appears convinced he can regain his health through meditation. As a meditator myself I can say it is incredibly helpful in keeping a sense of balance. The sad part is that you cannot gauge your partner's feelings accurately. He can tell you he is managing but I think you want a specific knowledge that he is doing well.

Changing someone, especially if they don't want to change, is very hard. Well I would say almost impossible. But it helped me greatly and may well be doing the same for him. If you want a second opinion, again have a chat with your GP.

Have you talked to your partner about your feelings and why he has almost shut you out of his life? I imagine this must be very painful. You want a 'normal' life and feel this is not happening. I really do urge you to ask him to sit down and tell you what is happening and ask him to allow you to explain your feelings. It may sound strange but it is possible he may not realise how distressed you have become.

Keep talking to us, you will always find support here.

Mary

[Croix]

Dear Tih~

As Mary says your own well being is at risk, getting upset so much, crying so often, feeling rejected and not having the solace of your friends sounds pretty grim.

So I guess you need to look after yourself - irrespective of your partner's state. As suggested seeing your own GP in a long consultation and talking about your reactions and feelings would be an excellent thing to do. This may in fact lead in a subsequent visit to talk about your husband and your assessment of his condition.

If you can in fact make contact with your friends and renew the bonds, that would be a real plus. To be able to talk with someone who is on your side and gain care and perspective makes a lot of difference. You will not feel as alone. The fact is there is something wrong, hiding it is all very well, however giving true friends an opportunity to help is reasonable - that's what friends are for.

Apart from friends to you have any family members you might rely upon?

Now with your husband, who wants to sue his hypnotist, is suspicions of friends, has locked you out of the bedroom and who you suspect of not being straightforward with his psychologist. I would think that proper medical care is essential, and that of course is dependent on him firstly being willing to undertake it, and second prepared to tell the truth about his thoughts and actions.

I don't have much in the way of suggestions here. You can try to persuade him, however if he feels he is OK it is awkward. You can talk yourself to his doctor, or get your doctor to do so perhaps. I don't know what would happen. While it might give his doctor a clearer picture, it might also be the catalyst for him stopping attending altogether and place his suspicions on you too.

Are there occasions when he is open to reason and would listen? Alternatively is there anyone he would listen to?

Please do come back and talk more, this is a difficult situation and I doubt everything is going to be solved quickly.

Croix

[Tih]

Thank you so much for your tips and comments. I never thought that there would be so much support out there and it has definitely made a difference to me. You are all great. Since my last post I have been to see a GP – one who had an interest in mental health. I was there for almost an hour and also shed a lot of tears. The GP believes he may have more than anxiety and gave me some suggestions. She was concerned about me and sent me for some blood tests???

I also heard back from his sister who has since spoken to him. He was not happy that I had contacted her but I am glad that I did and that I have her support. She let me know that their father was exactly the same .. genetic???

I have been trying to stay away from my partner to give home some space. He leaves in a couple of days for an overseas holiday on his own as he believes this will .help him. He has two and a half weeks off work.

I met him today (as he has been on nights) for a coffee. He made me say that meditation was going to work. I said this to him – however I believe that he needs more than just mediation. He is hoping that his trip away will make things better for him. He admitted that his thoughts are getting worse and he is worried that this will be what he will have to deal with on a permanent basis. He believes that everyone thinks he is a fool. I asked who was saying he was a fool and he could not answer this. I told him that I had posted on this site and that it was very good. He asked if there was a section on how to deal with a hypnotist who “(expletive) up their life and took their money”.

James – I take note of your comments that you posted on 05/01 and they really make sense and I will take them on board.

Mary – Thanks for your comments on meditation and yes I do believe that it helps but at the moment I find that he may need getting worse. He was meditating about 4 times a day for up to one and half hours each time – all self-guided. Anyway since I mentioned that perhaps he was over meditating he does not seem to meditate as much, well at least not as much when I am around. Whenever I try to explain to him how I feel he just responds by telling me his feelings – it’s like he is not listening.

Croix – thank you also. Once he has left on his holiday I will contact a friend of mine who lives interstate – I was talking to her today but did not mention anything as I am still raw.

Thank you again for your support and suggestions – it really helps

[Croix]

Dear Tih~

I'm glad you have returned and told us about what is happening. Seeing your GP sounds an excellent first step. I'd imagine those blood tests are to rule out physical ailments that can have depressive results, such as thyroid or some other medical problem.

As for You GP saying your partner may have something more than anxiety, I've had PTSD, anxiety and bouts of depression, mainly under control, for a very long time and never had the sort of thoughts or behaved as he does. I would certainly agree that meditation is a fine tool, as Mary says, however I wonder if things might be beyond the stage where medicating can fix things by itself.

Getting in contact with his sister hopefully will make you feel better, the last time you spoke she had not responded and that would have left you feeling quite alone. Perhaps she might have some influence on your partner too. Her opinions and suggestions as a psych nurse may be quite valuable.

You are probably quite right he is not listening properly to you, and has convinced himself about his condition. Perhaps in time as his condition varies he may re-think things and come more to you . In the meantime you must be very worried, upset and frustrated as well as alone.

Because of that I think you are wise to be in contact with your friend again.The situation you are facing is an extremely hard one and the more personal support you have the better.

It may not be the answer to everything but really the best you can do at the moment is to see to your own well-being.

Croix

[james1]

Hello tih,

It is nice to hear that you are also trying to look after yourself.

Whatever the case is with your partner, most of that is out of your control but you can at least help yourself in case things do change for the better with your partner.

Some times you have to let people find things out for themselves but as long as they know you are there and there are alternatives, it will be easier for you both.

Please let us know if you need anything. We're always here if you need any help or support.

James

[Tih]

Hi. Unfortunately I'm back. Well I spoke to my sister in law and she talked to him. He told her all would be fine. He then went on holidays to Asia for 3 weeks and got back yesterday. This morning he told me that all the bad things that happen to him and bad thoughts somehow link back to me and it's my fault. Now i really do not know what to do. All I have ever done over the years is try and support him. I am so so so devastated and upset. I am now at a total a loss as to what to do. Can anyone help me