Just so damned exhausted

[Lunax]

Well this is a first for me, I have never reached out before, I have always been ' the strong one'.

I have been married for 27 yrs and my husband has suffered from depression for about 20 of those years. In the beginning it was sort of bouts of it where he would fall in the black hole and eventually(usually a few months) manage to crawl back out. For the last 13 years he has been in the whole full time with only occasionally poking his head above ground. I know what a battle he is going through and how hard he tries to not slip back down. Our life together has changed so much in the last 6 years, he was eventually medically discharged from the defence force due to his depression, he had sort treatment for it formally from them about 10 years ago and of course that was career suicide, with promotions being prevented etc. He has had multiple episodes of PTSD, with Maj depression and general anxiety. He served his country faithfully and they in turn completely let him and us down. After spending years of dragging our young family back and forth across this country they turfed him out without any pension or financial support. It took 18 months and a letter to the minister to finally get DVA to take any action on his claims. But that's a whole other story.

I was a nurse for 30 yrs and have worked in some pretty stressful areas, but had to quit working 4 years ago as once he had been discharged he became worse and Would call about 10 times a day so I just spent my days worrying if he was going to still be there when I got home.

So we moved from the city and live on a rural block outside a country town, this has helped him but I find it isolating. I'm with him 24 hrs a day and have no friends now, most have just faded away and I just don't seem to have the energy to make new ones. It's too hard to explain why he is always either up, down, angry or cynical.

I love him and accept that he won't ever be ' cured', but I am just feeling so exhausted now and wonder if I can keep on giving indefinately, I just feel like I'm eroding away. It is so had when he asks if I'm ok to continue to say yes. But I know if I tell him how I really feel it will make his tenuous grasp on the edge of the hole slip and down he will go again, which will just make it harder again for both of us.

Im sorry this has turned into an epic read but I just needed to offload somewhere

[Carmela]

Hi Lunax and welcome to Beyondblue. I am sorry to hear that you are facing some personal challenges but also for your husband who was unjustly treated by the defence force. It saddens me that our servicemen and women are treated this way in light of their dedication and service.

I have been with my husband for nearly 19 years and he too has depression. It is not an easy road supporting a mentally ill spouse as it comes with its many challenges, in particular ensuring we as carers don't sacrifice ourselves for the sole purpose of supporting our partners. It's important that you establish some coping and resilience strategies to ensure you are emotionally and physically nurtured. Schedule regular time on your own or meet up with friends. I would visit a local cafe and read my book and that was my sanctuary when days became a little overwhelming. I also took up yoga, meditation and starting writing to release my emotions. It is important that you find things that give you joy and make you smile. No denying a carer role is exhausting, but we all need to recharge to keep going. Don't deprive yourself of selfcare. If you feel you are sliding, see you GP and have a chat. They may recommend that you see a Counsellor, who can work with you to establish some coping mechanisms and build you up mentally and emotionally.

Your husband's dependency on you isn't unusual. Can I recommend that you take regular trips out of the home on your own (at least daily), so he can get used to looking after himself while you are out? It's a delicate balance between supporting someone and giving them the space they need, as well as allowing them to see that they can cope. I found this a little frightening at first as l wasn't sure what he was up to, but l knew l had to do something so he could find his strength again, rather than using me as his protection.

You are a courageous and strong woman and your husband is privileged to have you by his side. Make the time for you now as it sounds like he is on the recovery trail. You need a recharge, and the best way to do that is to get moving, connect with people and get some professional help if you need it.

As a final point, I also want to encourage you to look at the information on the Beyondblue site about looking after yourself. Here is the link - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/supporting-someone/looking-after-yourself

All the best Lunax, and please don't hesitate to connect with us again.

Carmela

[Carmela]

Hi Lunax and welcome to Beyondblue. I am sorry to hear that you are facing some personal challenges but also for your husband who was unjustly treated by the defence force. It saddens me that our servicemen and women are treated this way in light of their dedication and service.

I have been with my husband for nearly 19 years and he too has depression. It is not an easy road supporting a mentally ill spouse as it comes with its many challenges, in particular ensuring we as carers don't sacrifice ourselves for the sole purpose of supporting our partners. It's important that you establish some coping and resilience strategies to ensure you are emotionally and physically nurtured. Schedule regular time on your own or meet up with friends. I would visit a local cafe and read my book and that was my sanctuary when days became a little overwhelming. I also took up yoga, meditation and starting writing to release my emotions. It is important that you find things that give you joy and make you smile. No denying a carer role is exhausting, but we all need to recharge to keep going. Don't deprive yourself of selfcare. If you feel you are sliding, see you GP and have a chat. They may recommend that you see a Counsellor, who can work with you to establish some coping mechanisms and build you up mentally and emotionally.

Your husband's dependency on you isn't unusual. Can I recommend that you take regular trips out of the home on your own (at least daily), so he can get used to looking after himself while you are out? It's a delicate balance between supporting someone and giving them the space they need, as well as allowing them to see that they can cope. I found this a little frightening at first as l wasn't sure what he was up to, but l knew l had to do something so he could find his strength again, rather than using me as his protection.

You are a courageous and strong woman and your husband is privileged to have you by his side. Make the time for you now as it sounds like he is on the recovery trail. You need a recharge, and the best way to do that is to get moving, connect with people and get some professional help if you need it.

As a final point, I also want to encourage you to look at the information on the Beyondblue site about looking after yourself. Here is the link - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/supporting-someone/looking-after-yourself

All the best Lunax, and please don't hesitate to connect with us again.

Carmela

[Lunax]

Thank you for sharing your experience and thoughts it is very much appreciated. It may sound strange but I don't have any friends here. I have never been someone to have lots of friends and those few close friends I did have have now faded away, mostly due to distance, we were moved every 1 1/2 to 2 yrs so it seems we had just settled and then got move again. I'm not someone who finds it easy to make friends and I have found in this small township it pretty much impossible, I have acquaintances you know people who will say hello but no one to actually sit down and have a coffee with. I try to go into town occasionally by myself and just browse through the secondhand shops and find that is a welcome break. I think I'm going to have to ask my GP about seeing a counsellor though, I just fell I need to off load onto someone who I'm not worried about adding to their stressors. Unfortunately it's not only my husbands condition that ways on me, I've had my fair share of bad experiences during my life as a nurse too. But that's a whole other story, thanks again for your kind words.

Tracey