Is it OCD? How can I help?

[Wizard1]

Hi all,

My partner and I have been living together for 3.5 years now. Over these years, I have noticed that she seems to have anxieties when it comes to the security of our home. She has owned her home for 5 years now and hasn't allowed her friends to visit her there. If I invite my family and friends to our home, she becomes very anxious and is concerned that my guest will break something. If that someone happens to be my 3 year old niece, she starts hating me for inviting her and threats to hit my niece if she breaks anything. When we leave the house, she is always routinely checking the windows, oven and electrical outputs. She stares at the window for 10-20 seconds trying to decide if the window is in the correct position and secure. Quite often she goes back and double or triple checks the windows. When she locks the door, she checks the handle 6 times, and even then walks away a few meters and then goes back and checks again.

She also very conscience about dust entering our home. For example, she gets really anxious when I need to bring the tool box into our home because of the dust it might bring. We get into an argument about it each time.

My understanding of her, is that she sees our home as a sanctuary and she fears anyone or anything that would violate that sanctuary. Although I do believe these issues are manageable for now I am concerned that it could get worse particularly if something tragic happens to her life and it will become so bad that she will start seeing me as threat to our home too.

I would like to know what everyone's opinion is here? Is this OCD? Should I encourage her to seek help or am I worrying too much? If she does have OCD what is the best way I can help her? For example, she wants me to join her when she is checking the windows before we leave each morning. Should I check with her or is this encouraging the wrong behaviour?

Many thanks in advanced

[Dorothy1]

Hello Wizard1

I am new to this forum and your post is the first I read 🙂

I am curious to know how your partner is going?

I believe I too am suffering from this disorder, I am seeing a Psychologist as I am also suffering from generalised anxiety, I am also a psychology student.

What you are describing really sounds like OCD and if she is bothered by it she should seek professional advice.

She definitely looks like she meets the criteria for all the checking she seems to do but does she have intrusive thoughts? Like why is she checking? does she have images of someone breaking in coming in her head?

I am just like her, checking all the doors and windows, I also check whether the air con is on or off as I m thinking that maybe if there s a problem it could burn the house down, I check the stove, the oven, the heater, the list goes on...

Having rules helps a lot. For example, she s only allowed to check once, she chooses when, for example only just before going out. She s allowed to check anything she wants but just once, once she s checked then she could say out loud, checked (I know it helps me because if I do then it is sort of conscious, I don't know if that makes sense.

Anyway, let us know, if you wish of course 🙂

Dorothee

[Wizard1]

Hi Geoff,


No need to apologize. I have noticed that you respond to quite a number of people on this forum, some in greater need than my own. I think you are champion for sparing your time to so many people and I'm simply grateful of you responding to me.


I've asked my partner what her thoughts are when she is checking. She stated that after checking she is concerned that she only dreamt that she checked or imagined it and thus checks again to be sure she actually checked. Her concern however is that someone will break in or dust or rain will get in. So on days when it is windy or rainy or when we leave for long periods is when she is most anxious. Does any of this sounds like intrusive thoughts? Other than this, I don't think she really has any intrusive thoughts. At least none that she let's me know about. I've read up on intrusive thoughts and they talk more about violent, obscene and disturbing thoughts. Nothing she describes to me comes across as being extreme as this.


Thank you for the advice, I will avoiding paying any particular attention to her checking. I was getting concerned that me paying attention to her was upsetting her. Hence the "I'm defective" comments I mentioned in a previous post. Now, I go outside, look at our garden and ponder how to improve it while I wait.


Many thanks
Wizard

[Wizard1]

Hi Dorothee,


Thank you for writing to my thread, I really appreciate it.


My partner seems to be doing alright. I haven't seen any improvements lately but at the same time she hasn't gotten worse. I don't think she is as self conscious about it these days. As I stared above she use to say "I'm defective" but she doesn't seem to be doing that as much these days.


Add for intrusive thoughts, please see my previous post to Geoff. I'd would love to get your perspective on this too.


I liked your suggestion about setting rules. I suggested checking the last item (the door) once only. Once she mastered that she applies this rule on the second last item. This didn't last long unfortunately and I didn't want to push the point in fear of making her self conscious about it. So I'm not certain it will take with her but I'll try regardless.


Many thanks
Wizard

[geoff]

Hi Wizard, nice to hear back from you and I may repeat what I have already said, sorry.

Intrusive thoughts may not seem to be visible, normally the person suffers in silence and maybe afraid of telling anyone but can happen after a certain amount of time because it begins to worry them, that's what happened with me, I eventually told my ex-wife, who said 'don't be silly' and that's why I kept it to myself, only my psychologist knew, previoiusly my older brother chastised me.

I have learned to hide all my OCD habits, checking the lock, light switch, the knobs on the stove as I've mentioned above.

If a person who can’t get over OCD may feel as though it's because they are weak or defective so it makes people hide their illness from friends and family.

I don't take myself as being weak or defective, I am have an illness that can be treatable for some people.

If someone goes to check the door lock twice on one or two occasions doesn't mean they have OCD, it's when it becomes an obsession.

Everyone with OCD has their own reason why they have to check the door lock and if you move house then the previous obsession/habit may stop but replaced by another one.

I couldn't walk on concrete cracks on the footpath before, now it doesn't worry me, and all of a sudden a thought may come to mind so a new habit/ritual starts but that could be temporary.

If you tell someone not to check the door lock then the anxiety builds up for.

Best wishes.

Geoff.