Is it ok to be angry?

[Muumy4]

Apologies in advance, newbie here.

My partner has just been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. We’ve been together for 3 years. I’ve been aware of it for months but it was only after I left him for a few days that I think he actually understood that there was a problem and it needed to be addressed. After trying everything else I was at wits end. Not only as his partner, but as a mum to 4 kids who just couldn’t cope with trying to manage his moods and actions and do what needed to be done for the kids.

Im dealing with my own mental health issues, and have done for years, and I know it’s scary and overwhelming and it eats you up from the inside. But I work at it, I have worked at it daily for years.

Mat the moment I’m struggling. Struggling with anger, hurt and frustration, resentment and guilt. I’m angry at his family for just assuming I’m ok with this. I’m angry at his ex wife for still insisting we have my step son even when I’ve said to her he’s not well and I’m not coping, can she just give me a weekend off?

I’m frustrated that he’s still in bed at midday and yelling at the kids for making noise. I’m angry at myself for resenting him when I know it’s not his fault and he can’t help it but why did it have to take me leaving after months of talking to him about it to get to this point of seeking help.

I’m tired of feeling guilty because I keep thinking can someone just deal with him so I can deal with my kids and be ‘me’ for five minutes, and why is it up to me to financially support us because he can’t get out of bed? I feel so selfish for thinking ‘where do I fit in this picture’. For thinking why do I have to farm my kids out for the weekend to work so he can lay in bed and blame everyone and everything else for his crappy life, when all of it was his own doing and decisions he made?

I know there’s a mountain here to work through, and I know he’s taken the first step, and I love him and this is what relationships are, supporting each other through good times and bad, but I feel so terrible for what I’m feeling towards him. And his family, because I know it’s not their job to ‘fix this’,

mum just scared of where these emotions are taking me.

[JaneLane]

Hey, it's okay to feel the way you feel. This is what's colloquially called "the feedback loop from hell". You're angry at your husband because you're trying not to drown and he's not helping. Then you're angry at yourself for being angry at the person you love. Now you're angry at yourself for getting angry at yourself. How exhausting.

How do you escape this loop? By not trying to escape. The avoidance of struggle is, in itself, a struggle. Fully accept your feelings without judging them. I want you to think to yourself, "I am angry. And that's okay."

It also sounds like everything feels like it's spinning out of control and you can't handle it all at once. It's too much. Try determining which things you can't control (husband's depression) and let go of those things to focus on what you can control (nurturing 4 kids, taking care of your mind and body so you have enough energy each day). Doing this will help you conserve energy and hopefully feel less burnt out. Be kind to yourself. You are doing an amazing job 🙂

[Elizabeth CP]

Feeling angry is normal in your situation. You are human. Accepting that feeling angry is normal response to your situation is helpful. Finding ways to get a break is essential so you don't break doiwn or do something you regret.

I care for my husband & also have a son who has had a MI so although my situation is different to yours I know what is is like to be extremely stressed trying to cope. I see a psychologist regularly & find that invaluable particularly when things are very difficult. Having someone to reassure me & also to act as a sounding board as I try to come up with ideas to cope with situations. My husband's condition can fluctuate from needing minimal assistance (except I have to do all the housework, gardening, driving ect because of his condition) to requiring a huge amount of support I would advise anyone who is a carer to get support. Ringing places like Carers Australia is worthwhile as they can advise you were to get help or support.

[Croix]

Dear Muumy4~

You have had some good advice from acceptance to seeking medical and daycare support.

I'd like to take a different tack. Anger has a purpose, and at times can be useful, a catalyst. Your husband does not sound quite like me when my depression was bad, although I felt hopeless I tried for medical help. Although I blamed myself I did not really blame others.

From the sound of it your husband was in a rut, depression a way of life, and your anger leaving him was a needed jolt. And probably one that will need reinforcing.

It's all very well to take the tack that it's not his fault. True getting ill is not, however getting better is not a passive thing, it takes the ill person to make an effort and want to be better, to try.

If your instinct about his situation leads to anger, maybe that instinct is right.

As for the rest, ex-wife and family, well they are no help and that is unfair and simply dumps on you. I would be angry too.

You have the same right to a decent supported life as anyone, and you are struggling in adversity with little light at the end of the tunnel. Some boundaries, even little ones, can help. 'Me' time to read, walk whatever is a start. Difficult to organize maybe, but necessary

Croix

[Muumy4]

Thank you.

It really is helpful what you wrote.

I thinks that’s the thing though- his state manages to turn situations I thought I could deal with on its head.

Just one thing at a time

[Muumy4]

Thank you.

I too feel that anger can be useful and had considered how ‘passive’ he is about getting well. I think that’s also part of why I’m angry, I just want him to get on with it.