Husband has anxiety, need help to cope.

[TheDailyGrind]

My husband of just a year has anxiety, he does not leave the house unless forced. He stays at home all day and plays video games. This leaves me as the sole provider in our family as well as the person who does most of the housework and all the cooking, I am so stressed out all the time, I’m not sleeping properly and I worry about everything.

My job is not secure, I’m employed casually and I have no guarantee of employment next year. His suggestion is that I find more work and that stresses me out even more. He says he can’t work and will not seek any therapy, he’s hoping for a magic pill to make the anxiety go away.

I dont know what to do, am I a monster for feeling so stressed out and thinking he should at least try to get some part time work to help the finances. I’m just not coping right now and I fear we will lose our house, the house I worked hard for before I met him. I feel like I’m coping worse than him right now.

[Doolhof]

Hi The Daily Grind,

Welcome tot he community here. It does sound like you are stuck in a bit of a hard place right now and you are not sure what your options are.

If you don't mind me asking, was your husband working when you first met him? Was his anxiety evident then? Did he get out and about more before he moved in with you? If he was able to do more then what has happened since, other than you providing for him?

My first husband quit his job once we were married and told me I was his wife and his slave! I put up with that for a year before I left.

Your husband needs to try to help himself. Sometimes we can do so much for other people that they see no reason to help themselves. Or it might be that he genuinely does not know how to get help or support.

Having all that stress and burden must be difficult to cope with. Hope you find some answers.

Resentment can soon built up in relationships and that too causes more distress and anxiety! Hope you can have some open discussions with your husband about your needs in all of this.

Cheers from Dools

[TheDailyGrind]

He didn’t work before I met him, but he received a pension which provided $1200 a month but he lost it when we married. We are just managing on my $2800 a month.

I want to talk to him so much and get everything off my chest, but he gets angry at me when I mention anything that’s not all rainbows and happiness so I’m left to just carry all this weight alone.

I made him go to a doctor for a mental health plan but now I have the problem of trying to find someone who can see him without me having to take time of work because we can’t afford that and the cost of the therapy. I hope I can find the perfect arrangement. I think at this point I need treatment too and I feel so guilty about it.

[Whazp]

Hi DailyGrind,

Situations like this can be quite stressful and it sounds like you have allot to deal with right now.

Me and my wife recently went to marriage counselling as we were having a few issues. My wife was suffering from bouts of depression and i suffer from chronic anxiety & am currently dealing with protracted discontinuation syndrome for 10+ months (a pure living hell on its own...).
We found counselling helpful as the counselor was able to help us to communicate how we were feeling and suggest ideas of things we could work on to improve our marriage. Wife is happier now which makes me happy.

I also play video games to escape but am mindful that i limit my time to certain times during the day (usually 2-3 hours tops per a day) so that i don't miss out on quality time with my wife and daughter. Maybe you could suggest together time when you both spend time together each night? For us its 8:00 PM on wards.

I also have social anxiety but i make an effort to to go on outing wife my family even when i feel horrible. I'm the sole income earner for both of us & i know how you feel with job security.

You also need to take care of your own health too in all of this. You can be supportive but at the end of the day he needs to help himself too. It's not good if your becoming more stressed and he's not doing anything to help himself.

[TheDailyGrind]

Thank you for the replies, it’s nice to feel a little less alone. I suggested couples counseling but he’s sort of ‘what do we need that for, we just got married’. He might come around after he’s thought about it though. I think it was a little bit of an eye opener for him that I scored ‘higher’ on the doctors anxiety/depression quiz, he’s been extra considerate the past day or so. It’s nice to see that side of him again, it’s been a little while.

[blondguy]

Hello DailyGrind

I understand the anguish you are going through...... after having anxiety for a long time

My anxiety is like your husbands....we have to take responsibility for our own illness....even seeing a bulk billing doctor as often as we can....This will reduce the severity of the anxiety

Your health is paramount.....Even with the love you have for your husband

I hope your husband can start seeing a GP asap....(frequently)

Please let us know how you are going when its convenient for you

my kind thoughts for you and your well being

Paul

[TheDailyGrind]

Thank you for the responses everyone, it seems I’m back to square one. He’s resisting going back to the doctors (he thinks CBT is stupid) and the psych doctor is away until the middle of October. He also resists going to visit my family, I see them so little now. I hate going alone because I have to make excuses for him.

The financial strain is the worst. He’d far rather never work than for me to ever be able to have nice holidays again or a new computer or things like that. I know it’s selfish, but I miss being able to plan a nice holiday, or buy things I need. At the moment I can’t even afford to take a day off for illness.

He keeps saying I knew this when I married him, which is somewhat true, but I never thought he’d be totally dependent on my income. The loss of his pension is a pretty big sting and knowing that he just doesn’t care hurts so much.

[Doolhof]

Hi TDG,

It is very difficult when a person gives up on receiving help and does not try to make an effort. I know how very hard it can be when you are down to feel that anything is working! It is certainly very tough for both of you.

Is it possible for your husband to receive a part pension? Guess it all depends on how much you earn.

I would like to suggest you keep seeing your family and friends even if he does not join you. It is important for you to keep up those connections. I have been leaving my husband home for years, we are both happier when that happens! I have learnt that is how it is and make the most of it.

Maybe if you leave him home he might decide he wants to be with you after all or he might not.

Not being able to live your previous life style is tough. Can you have weekends away, make the most of a day trip perhaps. I know it is not the same, it is a compromise, but it is still having something to look forward to.

You do need to consider your own mental health and find ways to help yourself. Can you use some of those CBT skills to help yourself?

You are not being selfish in your thinking. Life has changed for you. Finding ways to deal with the situation is required.

Hope you can find some answers. You need a break and to find ways to look after you!

Wishing you all the best from Dools

[TheDailyGrind]

We cannot afford any trips away, I live in a small town, so anything other than a walk around the lake costs too much right now. I don’t have a car and public transport gets costly.

And no, he cannot receive a pension. He is not an Australian citizen although we are in the process of changing that. He has some savings, I don’t know exactly how much but it prevents him receiving any financial aid from his home country.

today he accused me of being abusive towards him because I’ve been anxious about finances the last couple of days.

[TheDailyGrind]

I don’t know how to edit on here sorry, please forgive the double post.

Husband has made it clear that I must work and he stays home. I guess that’s the end of any discussions.