In need of advice, husband suffering depression

[jojo05]

My husband and i have been together for 11 years, married for almost 8 years. Like most couples we've had our ups and downs but have always got through them. For as long as I've known him hes always had signs of depression and has had his bad times but has never gone and spoken to anyone about it he pushes people away so he can deal with things himself, which i respect. Hes work does involve pretty stressful situations which i think gets to him and effects him in ways he doesn't admit to. A couple of month's ago he went through a traumatic situation in his work which really knocked him about and had triggered his depression but instead of getting help with dealing with the situation he left it and went on as normal. Just this last week he has had to go to court over the situation which really made him stressed out and his whole personally had changed, he was getting migrain headachs and was really affected by what he was having to do, i really think this situation had brought back his depression but because he doesn't talk about it he builds up and get worst and he has really went down hill. I like to try to help him but everytime i try he gets mad at me and we fight so i leave it for him to deal with, well this time i regret even trying to help because things have really gone terribly bad, which is where im hoping some advice will help me understand what he is going through.

He has turned around to me, completely out of the blue, and has said he doesn't love me anymore, i was totally shocked because there hasn't been any signs of anything wrong, we always tell each other how much we love each, ect, so i didnt understand why he was saying that. When i did ask he tells me he doesn't know why, he cant explain why, he feels empty and very low on himself, he has really seeped into his depression worst then i have seen. I try to talk to him about it but all he is saying is he has lost love for me and he doesn't think those feelings will come back. Each time i try to talk to him i get upset and frustrated because all i want to do get answers but he doesnt have them for me. He has said things that i find hard to understand but i think maybe its the depression talking, he has said he needs space to think about whats going on but is saying he doesn't know if things will change. I've excepted that he wants the space because i know he needs time to process whats happining.

I just want to understand what hes going thru.

[pipsy]

Hi jojo.  Your story is all too familiar.  When someone suffers chronic depression, their self esteem becomes non-existent.  Most men don't 'talk' about what's 'bothering' them.  They don't know how to.  They're raised believing that depression is a 'women's thing' brought about by menstruation, menopause, childbirth etc.  Half the time they wander about in their own world believing that because they're 'men', they're immune to problems.  When depression hits them, they don't know how to deal with it, they drink, go out with colleagues, do anything rather than admit they 'might' have a 'problem' as they put it.  I don't think he doesn't love you, he's under such pressure, he can't deal with it, so, unfortunately, he's lashed out at you.  You being the only and closest one he can 'vent' to.  He may or may not choose to get some help, either way, the best thing for you is to leave him be (extremely hard).  Tell him you're there if and when he chooses to talk, other than that, there's nothing you can do.   His self esteem has taken such a battering, he's actually questioning, how can you love this 'failure' (he looks on himself this way, at the moment).  He feels he has lost the ability to be the man you married, therefore as I said, he feels a failure.  Show him you love him by respecting his wish to 'leave him be', don't leave him as such, just give him space.  Men actually are far more delicate than we are, when you think about it.  We, as I said, menstruate, have children, go through menopause etc.  Don't think I'm 'knocking' men, I'm not, I just wish they realized we are there for them.  We're supposed to be the 'weaker sex', we're actually stronger emotionally, they are usually physically stronger, but when it comes to emotions, they're completely lost. 

Look after you, and try to give him space.  Let him know you're there, if and when he's ready.  Sorry if that's contradictory, you'll know when he's ready.

Best wishes

[Kefrank]

This is reassuring to me that I'm not the only one in this exact situation.. i though i was alone in dealing with how my partner was acting towards me.. I'm trying to remain strong and focus on myself.. i just hope he can do the same.

[The_Count]

Hi jojo,

It sounds like you are both going through very difficult times at the moment. He is very fortunate to have you as you obviously care very much for him.

Men have a tendency to go into their caves when a crises hits and he does not want to communicate or share his feelings and when you try to help he pushes you further away and gets angry.

Because he is struggling so much and cannot isnot able to deal with his emotions or talk through them he pushes you away so he can avoid his pain and or his feelings. He still loves you but is stuck for now.

I am no expert, I have been a husband for 19 years and respond negatively when my wife tries to help me when i am stuck in my cave not able to deal or even understand or process my feelings.

The best way to help him is to be patiently supportive giving him the space he needs.

Meanwhile think back to some of the great times you have had together what was the environment like? What were you sharing together? What were you doing together? When the time is right maybe he might like to do, share some of these similiar experiences again and eventually he may open up but let it be in his time. A less direct approach is needed and maybe your shared new experiences will be soothing and a stress release to him. How and what ways can you have fun together?

I hope this helps!

All the best

The Count

[pipsy]

Hi there.  When it comes to dealing with men, women are completely baffled, when it comes to dealing with women, men have the same problem.  We are 'wired' differently.  What annoys, bugs, frustrates women, men simply shrug off, shake their heads, and carry on with their lives.  Women, unfortunately, tend to 'hang on' to hurts.  While you're being strong and focussed, he is probably not even thinking about how bad you're feeling.  If you were to ask him how he was, he'd probably say, 'fine, why shouldn't I be?'  Whatever caused your 'blow up' has already been pushed to one side.  My ex's idea was everyone argues, next day you forget about it and just get on with living.  Women like to sort things out so that you don't have the same argument again and again.  That's logical, to us.  Men simply don't see it the same way.  My ex and I, unfortunately, had the same argument over and over.  It was never resolved - even though, to him, it was.  It never has been.  If you read my posts entitled frustrated/furious, you'll understand what I mean.  He will never understand me, he can't.  I just hope, one day, you and your hubby will resolve whatever your problems are.  It depends on your hubby's ability to understand how you're feeling and if you understand him. 

If you ever understand him, do women a favour - explain it so we all understand, lol.

Best wishes, chin up.

[Debi66]

Hi jojo my husband has just started saying the same thing, he loves me but not in love with me however that's usually during an argument, but when he first said it a week ago I just felt like dying, but now after him saying 3 more times I think its just 1 the alcohol which is really the only time we argue and the depression and how bad he feels about himself, my husband has stopped taking his meds and is drinking almost every night to me this is a problem, my dad suggest to just let him be but omg its so hard, I have no solution yet on how to do that but im hoping I figure it out soon... x