I need help with my mum and don't know what to do anymore

momoUsagi · ‎10-02-2015

Hi, my mum is in mid 40's and has manic depression (bipolar disorder?) and depression.

She shouts at me and my sister all the time. We will be crying and she'll still shout at us. She acts like a monster sometimes. I know she doesn't really mean it but its unbearably hard to cope with. I'm going into one of my last years of high school and its getting harder and harder to cope with. My studies are slipping and I'm getting more and more tired during the day and restless at night. Not to mention a handful of other problems.
I saw my school councillor today and discussed it with her. She suggested I talk to my dad and get him to talk to mum about seeing someone or having medication reassesment. So I did, and he told her and she ignored and dismissed everything he said and then started shouting at me again, swearing and stuff. She hasn't talked to me for the rest of the day today. This'll probably continue on for another few days. But that's not the issue, its the fact that nothing's changing. I've tried speaking to her from many different point of views and perspectives and had no luck.

So i guess the reason why I'm posting is because I don't know what to do. I'm worried about her well being and i need her to stop damaging my family's. I just don't know what to say. The councillor said it wouldn't be a good idea for me to tell her as mum would just lash out, but she did anyway. I don't know what to do. Do i tell the doctor? The police? Her parents? I know it might not be my place but it NEEDS to stop.

white knight · ‎11-02-2015

Hi momo, welcome to beyond blue forums.

IMO it is your place. You are no longer a child, 17 is my guess and when you are constantly abused and not treated as an adult things are not good.

Living with bipolar is certainly not easy. I'd hope you have a relative nearby that you could move to. But living in fear must stop. So yes, a trip to her doctors would be a good step. I was going to suggest you sit down with her and tell her that her moods are unpredictable and her medication might be insufficient. But I know too well that she is likely to start yelling at you and blame you.

It is definately not a police issue unless a breach of the law exists like assault. If she went that far certainly ring them, it might be the message she needs, like a warning.

I'd try your dad again. Tell him that if the yelling and abuse isnt stopped you might, even at your age, have to find another place to live. Ask him if you can ring his mobile if and when it recurs. If that fails then the doctor. If that fails move out.

Sounds tough? You have to care for yourself and ensure you have a calm life without anxiety, a mental illness that is often developed by abuse such as this. Having had anxiety for 25 years caused by a yelling abusive mother myself---- you dont want it.

Stand up and tell her she has a right to talk to you, discuss matters calmly but not to yell and upset your life with daily rants.

momoUsagi · ‎12-02-2015

Well I'm still 16 but I'll be 17 this year.

I talked to my dad and told him I simply cant handle it, he said he'll try and talk to her but he doesnt know what to do either.

She's still exploding after she found out i told the councillor, shes denying to me that she has bipolar but i know she told me at some point. So she accused me of lying to a councillor and all that. she acts like a child, she'll ignore me and make my 11 year old sister pass on messages, its pathetic. shes started refusing to buy me stuff and take me places if its not essential. Im worried she wont take me on this hike weekend. I can go by train but its really far away and i dont know the area. I asked her if she could buy me food for it and she was like "why would i? i dont care about your hike" she says stuff like that a lot lately. I'll be telling her about school or something and she'll cut me off and say "i dont care." and when i ask her why she does it she says "im just treating you how you treat me"

she constantly brings up how ive changed since my diagnosis, she says i use it as an excuse. I use it as a way to explain why i am how i am, not to make up excuses and get away with stuff.

Living with another family member isnt an option. none of them live here and i honestly think id be safer here then there. They arent very nice people either.

I think ill see my councillor again, it'll have to be on tuesday cause shes only at the school twice a week. I dont know what to do but someone or something needs to get through to her. I feel horrible and emotional all the time. Some days i even feel like doing stuff to myself that i havent wanted to for years. Shes already damaged me, i got diagnosed with social anxiety, generalised anxiety and depression, due to her and not being able to make friends.

I just wish there was someone who could tell her to stop. I mean, im not perfect in this either, im a teenager and were a handful. im pretty good for one though, ive never done anything horrible like gone to a party or drank alcohol. I think what bothers her is that i dont love her, which is true, i dont. shes an utter monster.

Pixie15 · ‎22-02-2015

Hi momoUsagi,

I came across your post today and I am wondering how you are going.

My concern when I have read it is for you and not your mother. You are at a difficult enough time at school without having to deal with her issues. If your father can not do anything to help your mother there is nothing you can really do for her. You are taking on a responsibility which is not really yours and as your counselor pointed out trying to do anything has just increased her negative behavior towards you.

I had a difficult mother as well who was very resentful about any time or money she had to give to me. When I was 15 I needed a new pencil, a very small purchase, and received a blasting for asking for it. I had enough left school and found a job. Looking back now and having got to know her better in recent years I think she would have really enjoyed it as a sort of a win because she did not want to support me anyway.

As I see it your responsibility at this point in your life is to your own education. If moving out is not an option do you have a library nearby or a friend you can study with. Although you can catch up with your education at any time it your life it would be easier if you could do it now.

You may not be able to change your mother but you can change the way you react to her. Please talk to your school counselor about better ways to react when she presses your buttons.

Grateful.