How do I know

Lsmith · ‎25-01-2015

My husband of 5 years has told me in the past month that he is bipolar. This- although a bit of a relief, was still a surprise. I have a friend who is bipolar and has struggled with alot of issues over the years. The discussion while upsetting, is almost a relief. My husband has been very cruel over the past 12 a 14 months. Short tongued, impatient, nasty, rude. My children wonder why I put up with him and the way he talks to me. Sometimes I do too. He has hidden his illness from me until recently. My belief is because he felt he was fractured. I do feel like I have been misled. Marriage is supposed,to be a partnership where each party is honest. I feel like I have been betrayed. I have spent a lot of time reading information on mental illness in the past weeks- what it is, what families can do, how to tell the signs. But I signed up for a partnership where mutual respect and courtesy was part of the deal. Deciept, anger, selfishness were not the qualities I hoped for in my partner. The 'best friend' I had has been lost for the past 4 years and the man I fell in love with has not surfaced since just after our wedding day. I am the sole supporter of a family of 5. I work a lot, Cook the meals, clean the house and am the glue that holds this family together. To be treated terribly, in front of family, friends is not what's I had hoped for. Please explain if this is normal behaviour for a bipolar male and if there is help. When I suggest seeing the doctor together, I am met with , "it's my issue- it doesn't concern you.' When I explain that we are all part of this illness, that we all love and support my husband, he tells me that he would be best not around. How do I cope with this? Our day to day life is terrible, intimacy is non existent and my life is lonely. Any advise would be very appreciated.

white knight · ‎26-01-2015

Hi Lsmith, welcome to beyond blue forums.

Sorry to hear of your struggles. We are sufferers of mental illness also and most of us are in marriages so we have a lot of insight. However some are also single after trying marriage and are happy to remain on their own.

From what you have described, I dont believe you are being treated fairly at all. Having a mental illness is one thing, and bipolar is a serious illness, but it doesnt stop the sufferer from attending to their fair share of the chores, showing respect, working as a team and if possible...generating income. If the sufferer is showing laziness whereby effort is not being made...then its - laziness!! And if you are working, cooking the meals doing the housework etc then he is taking you for granted. Then he treats you nastily in front of family etc.

You have read up a lot. Thats great. Big tick for you. But if his ATTITUDE means you are not included in his medical appointments then ask him to attend relationship counselling....after all if he doesnt go to that then you have no relationship.

I have bipolar type 2, dysthymia, depression and dwindling anxiety. I cherish my wife and treat her as a queen. I was the sole income earner before we married and worked 42 years until forced onto the DSP 18 months ago. I cook often and clean windows. due to an old back injury my wife vacuums etc. We share the gardening chores.

Dont feel guilty. It isnt your fault. Write a list of processes you would like him to be positive about. At the end of the day if your desires arent met- move on.

Use search to locate these relevant threads that might help

Caring for your "well" partner

Your attitude is not a mental illness

The definition of abuse- what is it?

Defending yourself- dont be an easy target

Post here anytime. Tony WK

Pixie15 · ‎27-01-2015

Hi Lsmith,

Just a couple of things that I have picked up regarding your post.

I believe that you definitely should not put up with being treated badly by your partner whether it is with other people or when you are home alone. Although there are times in all relationships when things can go wrong there should be a lot of good times to balance out the bad.

The fact that your partner changed shortly after you were married is a concern. He may have been putting in an effort to impress you which he is not able or prepared to do in the long-term.

I have no real idea about how old you are and if your partner is receiving any treatment at this time. If your partner has been diagnosed some time ago and is not receiving any treatment he really needs to be reassessed. I know one person who was diagnosed quite young as bi polar but some of his behavior was actually from the medication he was on.

When you say my children wonder why I put up with him does this mean your partner is not their father. This would be a concern for me because if he is mean to you and living with your children how is he treating them.

I am also wondering if he has only told you about his bi polar in an attempt to make you sympathetic because you have started to stand up to his behavior.

I think you are right to want mutual respect and courtesy. Please do not accept anything less.

Grateful.

Lsmith · ‎28-01-2015

Thank you white night. Your suggestion of writing a list of processes is very helpful, as well as your kind words. Very much appreciated.

Lsmith · ‎28-01-2015

Hi Grateful, thank you for your note. I am 51, my children are 20 and 18- both studying at University. This is both of our second marriage and we did not live together before we were married. (Possibly I should have)

i will suggest the reassessment- with any luck we can do this together.

thank you again.

Lsmith

Pixie15 · ‎29-01-2015

Hi Lsmith,

I hope you can do it together if that is what you want.

Living together may not have helped. Love does tend to blind us to what we do not want to see. Have you thought about how you are going to maintain your relationship with your children?

Grateful.

Lsmith · ‎19-02-2015

Hi Grateful. Thanks for your note. The past 3 weeks have been hard but maybe we can see some light at the end of the tunnel. My husband and son have not talked- even spoken a word- for 3 weeks due to a blowup 3 weeks ago. It has been on my mind constantly, I have always valued my home as a haven for safety and love. Finally today my boss asked if I was ok, because I have been out of sorts for 3 weeks. It prompted a good discussion that made me realise that I cannot hide my feelings 24/7. He suggested I move out until they settle their feelings, so that I can keep my sanity. So, I had the chat at home and if I don't see some signs of improvement, that's what I'll do in the short term until my husband realises this is something we need to address and deal with. At least I can get my strength back in the break.

d-_-b · ‎20-02-2015

Hi Lsmith, in light of your current situation, it sounds like you are having quite a challenging time in your life right now. I am sorry if this sounds horrible, but it is almost refreshing to know that there are people out there with the exact same problems as me. My husband is the father of my child (3) and a step daughter (8) whom I love as my own. For years we have battled with his mental illness, been together 7yrs. Though only recently did I really realise that although he had made plenty of great changes, the process takes a really long time to ever see any real deep changes within.. I was expecting too much from my husband and he does the same things that u speak of, abuses me in front of the kids, abuses the kids when he is frustrated as well, puts holes in the walls, blames everyone else for his behaviour.. He is on medication for depression but he thinks he has bipolar.. I know mental illness is genetic, so I didn't want my kids to see me turn my back on him because I can't cope, and then they possibly end up with mental illness themselves and then think I will turn my backs on them. With the stats nowadays, 1 in 4 people will have a mental illness. So it is not uncommon..

So I put together a "mental health plan" in the household. I figure if my kids and I can learn how to change the way we think about mental illness, then maybe we can cope and not take the abuse too much to heart. I have an A4 sheet of paper stuck on the wall with affirmations written in blue clouds, these are; it is not your fault, you can't "fix" it, do we need time out?, talk about your feelings, what can we do to help?, and cuddle time? I am not sure if it will help you, and I am not familiar with any websites that help families write their own mental health management plans in Australia. But I figured if my kids could save a person (or themselves) from killing themselves one day because they accept and know how to cope with / manage at least one type of mental illness, the world would be a better place to live in the future.. Try writing a plan or sitting down with your kids to see what their understanding of mental health is.. You might be enlightened by the response you get.. Good luck!!!

Pixie15 · ‎20-02-2015

Hi Lsmith,

Thanks for your update.

It seems you have a plan to care for yourself. If you have a place you can move to and have a bit of time to recover that sounds like a good option. It does not mean that you have given up on your partner or the relationship. Just means that you need him to do something concrete for his own health in order for you to trust him again.

I know what it is like to feel unsafe in your own home. I threatened to leave my partner if he did not receive help. He made some attempts for himself but was very angry and bitter with me. Only you can judge your own situation but if you have made a plan for a break and do not go through with it you may end up worse off.

Self care is not selfish. If someone is hurting you because they are ill it may diminish their responsibility but does not eliminate your pain. Please do not let anyone guilt trip you into staying if you really believe you need to leave.

Grateful.

Lsmith · ‎21-02-2015

Thank you for your note. It is nice to know that someone has been through a similar situation. My kids are young adults- 20 & 18- and are open about their feelings regarding my husband's condition. We know he is not well and needs help, we can see the struggle he is having daily and just feel a bit lost that we can't ease the pain. We had a good discussion on Thursday night and put our feelings in to words. Possibly this will help to get him back on the road to recovery.