I need help to know how to support my partner

[Msnoodle]

Hi, I'm engaged to a wonderful man who makes me so happy and I can see us laughing in our 80s. The wedding is in July, I have a "mum-of-the-bride-zilla which is stressful. We recently changed jobs, moved cities, leaving family and friends behind, since then have had people staying with us most weeks so we haven't been alone much over the last 4-5 months. We also just missed out on a home purchase last week so there is a lot going on.

my fiancé had a difficult upbringing, parents separating, his mum not wanting to/being able to care for him and some other stuff that I am sure has an impact on his mental wellbeing.

we have been together for 4 years, and living together most of that time. He has had bouts of depression and did see a family doctor once (who also provided counselling with his mum situ) who prescribed him anti depressants. He took them for a while but didn't like the way they made him feel - his sex drive slowed massively and hasn't really come back.

since moving the depression is back (self diagnosed). He won't come out or meet new ppl. He has started telling people he feels depressed (me, boss, close friend) and has suggested seeing a doc but not acted on it yet.

during our relationship there have been times when his self esteem has been low so to boost it he will flirt/text/email other girls. As far as I know he has never done anything physical but this created a rift in our relationship and some trust issues which we are working through.

tonight, when "bored", his ex randomly happened to get in touch. She sometimes asks him to talk, he usually says no. Tonight they talked on the phone for an hour and reminisced a bit. I got upset.

This sort of upset happens now and then - each time he retracts, saying he is always hurting me and making me sad and I would be better off without him, so he will leave. That is the opposite of what I need - his love and reassurance. I never understood until today that this is probably a result of the depression, low self esteem and maybe fear of abandonment.

he doesn't talk about his sad feelings too much and when he gets sad or this kind of thing happens he insists on being alone. He won't have me near him. It's always when I need him most so this is not good.

My being upset makes him feel worse but I can't excuse the behaviour just because he is depressed? I don't know how to help him, and I struggle to both calm myself and leave him be. I tell him I love him and I'm there for him, and always apologise.

[blondguy]

Hi Msnoodle

Thankyou for your post...and welcome to the secure forums..

I have just replied in detail to your post and my PC has just booted me off...so I will keep this brief..sorry..

Your second last paragraph says everything......I have had depression for a few years and the first step is communicating to your loved one...simple...

* Your fiance appears to be 'stuck' and frozen....socially and with you too

* You mentioned he has one appointment?....Is that all? Sounds like he needs at least one visit/fortnight

* Did his GP prescribe the anti-depressants?

* Either way....he is not coping right now....the social withdrawal...and unwilling to communicate...

* Your Fiance has 'suggested' seeing a doc and tells everyone...?

* If I may ask...can you get him to either your GP or his...preferably one that he is comfortable with...

* Important here MsNoodle...Can you with your partner?....That would be a huge help to him

* The sexual dysfunction is unfortunately common after taking AD's...

* Dont excuse his behavior because of depression.....well said MsNoodle

You are doing everything you can....but...your partner has been letting friends know he has depression..which is great. I hope he agrees to go (hopefully with you) to a doc at least once/week....once/fortnight...

Please let us know how you go MsNoodles...

Paul

[Msnoodle]

Hi Paul,

thank you for the reply and your counsel, I really appreciate it, especially you taking the time to write twice (so frustrating when that happens).

yes, he is the life and soul of any gathering but very often he chooses not to come to social events and let's me make excuses for him. Everyone loves him but I don't think he sees that.

he only had one or two appointments with the family psychiatrist and that was a few years ago now.

it has only been in the last two or three weeks that he has been saying out loud he thinks he is depressed, and he has suggested to me that he should see a doctor, but when I encouraged it off the back of his suggestion, I got shut down. Maybe he's not ready but I fear things will get worse if he doesn't seek help.

i would happily go with him to a doctor, that is not an issue... It's getting him there in the first place I think! As we only recently moved we don't have a regular GP anymore. Work has an employee helpline where you can get referred to a counsellor so perhaps that is the first step. It's free and would just get him to talk about things. Or maybe a phone conversation with his family doc to start...

we were supposed to go and look at family homes to buy today, which we were both so excited about, but he said he didn't want to anymore after I got upset last night and then he slept on the couch 😞 😞

i love him so much and it breaks my heart to see him this way. i know that somehow I need to get him to a doctor and support him through that. I also know I need to try and keep my cool and be as supportive and calm as I can be. Any other thoughts on how to handle this please let me know, because it's really hard!!

[Starwolf]

Hey Msnoodle,

You are in a stressful situation and I really feel for you. Seeing someone you love suffer and not being able to help is heart wrenching.

It is obvious that the priority at the moment is for your partner to get ongoing help. Leading someone to understand this is what they need is a difficult first step. Ultimately, the decision rests with him, it cannot be forced but perhaps it can be influenced (treading cautiously).

It is difficult to advise you as to how this could be achieved when we know so little about him. We all respond differently to a given approach. It is not possible to know at a distance what makes one particular person tick and what ticks him/her off.

You have already been given good advice here, so I will only add a couple of things.

Speaking with your partner hasn't had positive results so far. Have you thought of writing him a letter, explaining how you feel and why you feel this way ? The advantage of the written word is that there is no direct confrontation and a letter can be read over again. You can also take your time writing it, even pause a while and return to it later when you feel better inspired.

I wouldn't worry too much about the trust issue. You say his sex drive has taken a plunge. It seems from your post that depression is more to blame than medication taken in the past. It usually is. As you know now, depression is a drain on intimacy. In spite of using flirtatiousness as coping mechanism, it is doubtful he would be capable of following through with a deep and meaningful connection with anyone at the moment.

Please, be kind to yourself and don't forget to take good care of your own needs. Joining these forums is a good start, a courageous first step. We are here to offer support and understanding during tough times.

I hope you will post again to let us know of any development...or just to have a chat if you feel like it.

[Msnoodle]

Thank you so much Starwolf. 

Today has been really hard. This is the worst weekend we have had but fingers crossed it is a catalyst for change.

I was thinking the same that a letter might be the way to go, and I bought a lovely card for him today that I'll put the letter in. I haven't figured out what to say yet, and don't want to put too much pressure on, but I had a chat with his sister today too to see if his family can help me to encourage him to get help.

So many adverts for beyond blue on the telly tonight, unfortunately he is not watching it with me! 

i think you are right re the trust issue - and I hope if he gets the help he needs everything will work out. When he insisted on being alone today I couldn't bear being in the house so I went for a long walk/run in the sunshine to try and make sure I am looking after myself - he needs me to do that.

guys I really really appreciate your support. I was feeling so helpless and alone - we don't know anyone here yet and my family are all overseas. 

We'll see how things go with the letter and getting him help, and I will update. 

[blondguy]

Hi Ms

Thanks for replying.

Starwolf was spot on with writing your thoughts to your partner...A brilliant but simple idea that will work...nothing to lose.

Ms...the employee counsellor is also a great idea....and its free..Also your other idea...excellent...GP's are a lot more proficient nowadays with depression...I would be surprised if that did'nt work Noodle

Your partner has to help himself to get better....Sure I remember with my depression and the first few steps but I wanted to learn how to heal....

You are doing everything you can right now to help him help himself...

You are not alone MsNoodle

Here for you 🙂

Kind Thoughts

Paul

[Starwolf]

Well done and fingers crossed.

You're doing great supporting your partner in spite of the difficulties you are facing. Rallying his family is a good idea. Success is often a matter of endurance, so please keep looking after yourself. For him, but also for you.

Blondguy has also given you valuable advice. Initially,  visiting a GP is less intimidating than a therapist's appointment.

Sorry to read about the difficult week-end. You are right about hoping for a catalyst. Unfortunately, the only way out of the abyss is often via the bottom. So hang in there and keep up the wonderful, positive attitude.

Thank you for responding. Your courageous contribution will no doubt inspire other people struggling with similar issues. Your partner is lucky to have you.

[White_Rose]

Hello Msnoodle

Welcome to Beyond Blue.  Thank you for telling us your story.  Sadly you are not alone in this situation. If you take a look at other threads on Supporting Family and Friends you will find others who are in similar situations. And you may find tips from these people. Looking around as much as possible can unearth all sorts of help.

I want to suggest you look at the literature provided by BB. Scroll to the bottom of the page and take your pick. You will find information on depression and also info on caring for someone with depression. BB will send any of this to you free of charge. You could give the depression info to your BF which may help him understand what is happening in his life.

The carers booklet has information on caring for yourself and a list of national helplines and websites. There are also support groups which can be a great benefit to you. Being able to talk to someone in the same situation is most helpful.

If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed at times, try phoning the BB 24/7 helpline on 1300 22 4636. You can get some help for yourself and talk about what is happening. Also the professionals on this phone line can point you to other help that may be available. Other places to visit include The Black Dog Institute, www.blackdoginstitute.org.au They also have lots of good information.

I most definitely agree that depression is no excuse for his behaviour. It's a good idea to write a letter describing his unacceptable behaviours and explaining your feelings and reasons. Ask him to read it when he is feeling less depressed but insist that he read it within a few days. You may want to set a time in the letter to discuss what you have written. If possible go somewhere relaxing and comfortable that has no associations for either of you.

Tell him you love him and want the best life together you can have. I have written a number of suggestions because I know it's hard to get started on a letter of this sort. Once you get going you may not want to include anything I have suggested, which is OK. They are just comments to get you started.

I understand how hard this is for you and I also want you to know that one partner pushing away the other is such a common thing with depression. In their ordinary life the spouse would be horrified to think you were leaving. I ask you to try and remember this when you feel pushed away. And sometimes it is the hardest thing to tell someone you love how dreadful you feel.

Keep in touch.

Mary

[Msnoodle]

Ahh thank you all for such wonderful and useful replies. Thankfully we had a better day today, it took him some time but he has warmed through the day and says he will ring the employee counsellor helpline tomorrow. I have taken his lead with the conversation today but will direct him to the info on here as well... We both need to understand more about what is going on.

I can't thank you all enough for your support, and I do hope these posts help others as they have helped me... Although I know this journey is just beginning. 

[Starwolf]

Good to know things seem to be looking up.

You are right, this is the beginning of the journey and there will be ups and downs. We can't be there with you but please remember we will be here for you whenever you need it.

I hope you will let us know how it all progresses.