He loves me, he loves me not.

rockmelon666 · ‎20-02-2016

I have been with my partner for 6 1/2 years. We have been happy most of the time and even started talking marriage in November. He has recently completed his masters thesis & was relying on obtaining a scholarship but missed out.Since then, he has been quite down.A month ago he came to visit me but ignored me all day. We went to bed that night & he wanted nothing to do with me. The following day, he broke up with me. I got nothing from him other than "I dont know" & "no" when I suggested counselling.The next day he said he thought he'd made a mistake but wasnt convinced we would work. Again, no explanation as to why.A week later we were talking (only online mind you) & he insisted he still loved me & didnt know why he was doing this. A week ago, i received a call from him saying "sorry we need to move on" & he hung up & blocked my number. He wouldn't let me speak at all. 48 hours later I was admitted to hospital for exhaustion. My friend reached out to him & he agreed we need to talk & apparently became very emotional (crying etc).Today I insisted to speak to him so he knew where I was at.I wanted to meet with him in person however he refused & stated he wasnt ready. He reluctantly agreed to let me call him & I said he didnt need to say anything. During the call, he seemed like a very different person.Normally he is talkative, warm & intouch with his feelings. Today, he was completely discommected and said he doesnt love me.I questioned him why he said he loved me previously but he he didnt really give me an answer. He just kept saying it over & over. I said to him we need to keep communication lines open because at this point I dont know what's going on in his head. He denied it & said talking will do nothing. as much as he says he doesn't love me I dont think he's telling me the truth. I asked him what he would feel if I started a relationship with someone else & he felt uncomfortable answering that question & eventually said "FINE! I dont care". I also asked him if he wanted me out of his life & he didnt seem to like that idea either.I feel like he has mistaken our relationship for unhappiness when it's truly the thesis... my friend told me today his thesis was published 2 weeks ago & he made mention to me. If he truly felt this way, I dont think I would have been mentioned. I truly believe we are soulmates. Is this common of someone who suffers from anxiety/depression? I cant help to think that he's putting on a big front to protect himself.

pipsy · ‎20-02-2016

Hi rockmelon. With everything that's been going on in your bf's life, he's been under terrific strain. I should imagine he's been studying all hours for this scholarship which would've opened unimaginable doors for him. He must have been totally shattered at missing out. He completed his masters thesis, so getting a scholarship would've been the 'jewel in the crown'. He obviously feels he's a complete failure because all his plans for a bright future have just been blown out of the water. I don't really think in his mind he's broken up with you so much as himself. He feels he's completely let you and himself down by missing this scholarship. You're right what you think that he's putting on a front to protect himself, and yes, he's suffering major depression. I would leave him be for now. He needs time and space to 'lick his wounds'. Are you friends with his friends, if you are, ask them, confidentially of course, to keep an eye on him. Perhaps, if you don't hear from him, wait a month or so, then write and tell him you still love him, but whatever he decides you will honour his decision. Let him know there is no-one else. I wouldn't mention the scholarship, unless he does. If he does and tries to apologise for not getting it, let him know how important he is with or without the scholarship. If you do write, wait for him to contact you. I'm afraid patience is the name of the game here. He sounds extremely proud and this would've knocked him completely. My heart goes out to both of you. I'm sure he does love you as much as you love him

rockmelon666 · ‎20-02-2016

has started telling friends we have broken up and updated his Facebook status to say he's single. It's extremely hurtful.

The thesis was only published in November and I found out yesterday he's actually acknowledged me in it which is completely optional so in my view, if what he's saying is true I wouldnt have been acknowledged formally like that.

The fact he doesnt want to meet in person makes me think he's scared to see me upset because it might make him upset as well.

we Have mutual friends together and the way he has been trying to rush me out the door is so unrealistic because we'll always be in each others lives regardless.

trying to accept what he said yesterday but it simply makes no sense

Im

rockmelon666 · ‎20-02-2016

Thank you pipsy, I hope you are right.

He sounded like an emotionless robot. He went on to say he didn't miss me and even said that "I love you, just not in love with you". He refuses to meet with me at all and I think a lot of it has to do with him not wanting to face it.

Originally, he said he wanted time to think but has since told me he was using that time to move on from me. It's not like him at all... I've spoken to a mutual friend of ours who said he seemed fine but as I said in the previous post, it wouldn't surprise me if this was just a front.

I found out last night that he has actually made a point to acknowledge me in his thesis. That was published in November. He didn't have to thank me at all, but he did. So it sort of cements it more so that he is lying.

When originally trying to break up with me, he said he maybe wanted children and then I asked him yesterday and he said he didn't. He's very confused and it's really concerning because I don't think he's spoken to anyone.

It absolutely terrifies me that he's going to wake up from this and not tell me. He truly is the love of my life, none of this should even be happening in my view.

pipsy · ‎20-02-2016

Hi RM. This has really thrown him, losing out on this scholarship. Obviously he had based his whole future on this. He's really confused because he wasn't expecting what happened. He may talk to someone when he's ready, but in the meantime, try not to hang on waiting for him to figure out his future. I realize how hard it is because you had seen a future complete with him. I think he still loves you, I still believe he's so disappointed in himself, he feels he's totally failed you and him. When he says he wants to move on from you, perhaps he means he wants to try and move on in his life. Not necessarily move on from you, but prove to himself he's not a loser. I wonder if he's even aware of what he actually said to you when he made that comment. To him, he's lost a future that he thought was in the bag. You're right, it shouldn't be happening, but he's had a terrific shock, he needs time to rethink what he's going to do with his life. When we have any sort of unexpected shock, we quite often say things we're not even aware we've said. Someone will remind us of something we said when we weren't in our right mind, emotionally. When we're reminded, it comes as a Hell of a shock that we even said what we're being told we said. Is he a drinker, perhaps when he said about not being in love with you, but loving you, he may have had a couple of drinks. He's terribly mixed up, give him time.

rockmelon666 · ‎20-02-2016

He is a social drinker, but I don't think he was drunk. It seemed like he just wanted me to go away. He kept saying "well I need to go now" and he would only stay when I said "I have paid you respect by leaving you alone, please pay me respect by allowing me to speak". Your idea about reaching out to a friend of his sounds like a good one... I know he told 1 friend he was confused about us but not sure what else was said. From what I understand he's only just started telling people but not really talking about it. I might message him and just let him know he has sort of "flipped a switch" so to speak and I'm worried he's putting up a front so just to keep an eye on him (without reporting back to me). I just hope he wakes up from this ; and soon! I have spoken about it with friends about what he has been saying and they agree that none of this sounds like him and he sounds confused. I'm mainly concerned that he is embarrassed now and won't come back out of pride. I've discussed with my mum and we agree that if he does come back, I won't be going ahead with the relationship unless he agrees to come to counseling with me. Not sure if that may come across as pushy or not, but we really need to manage this.

pipsy · ‎21-02-2016

Hi R.M It sounds quite reasonable to me to suggest if he does want to reconcile to try counselling. In the meantime, let sleeping dogs lie. Get his friend to keep an eye on him. The main thing he needs is space to get his head together. What was he planning to do with his scholarship. Did he have a profession in mind? He may decide to start studying again. Have another go at getting his scholarship. As I said earlier he does sound as though his pride is hurt, and he is definitely confused. He feels he can't plan a future because, to him, he doesn't have one. I think you need to try to move on, respect his request and leave him alone, for now. If he does come back, yes, suggest counselling, if he refuses, that's his right. Keep in touch occasionally with his friend, don't push there, either.

I'm so sorry for you, you had so much to look forward to.

SkyeG · ‎26-02-2016

Hi Im Skye and im new to Beyond Blue. I read your post Rockmelon and i feel your pain! I have been with my partner (the love of my life) for 6 years and during this time he has suffered from PTSD and severe depression. And until recently was a heavy drinker. He is the sweetest, most loving man one minute and a mean angry monster the next! Unless he's really depressed then he barely communicates at all, except to tell me to leave him,i can do better than him. He doesn't love me, he wants to move on with his life..... but when i leave he becomes angry, accuses me of cheating tries to make out i CHOSE to leave cos i already had plans etc etc I fire back for awhile then i ignore him and he calms down and he's My MG again... until the next time....

Loving MG is the hardest but most REWARDING thing ive ever done. It takes resilience and stubbornness believe me. I cry A LOT but ultimately i love him and he loves me and we can't be without each other. Also he has improved in the time I've known him which gives me hope.

If you really love him, hang in there! Cos he's worth it! Also take care of you! Just try and be there for him, if he tells you to go away use it as time out! Its good for you put a positive spin on it. You KNOW he loves you no matter what