I need help coping with my partner with deprssion/anxiety

[ashtucker]

Hi everyone, I am in need of some advice and also a vent. I have been with my partner almost 8 years now and of late his depression/anxiety is becoming impossible to deal with. He takes medication but also anything to get wasted and escape reality, of late his manner is particularly sneaky, selfish, and mean. I have supported us both financially throughout our relationship and usually am able to understand when he needs space, when he needs me around etc. I have rallied family support when he needs it/is in hospital, make and attend all drs apps, do all our cleaning etc and usually we have had a harmonious house. However of late the way he talks to me is downright nasty, he flips out and calls me names and throws tantrums like a kid, he is spending less and less time with me and our dog (we don't have kids) and yet he feels he dose everything and we are a burden to him. We usually talk very openly but of late he can't talk without disdain towards us. I am becoming depressed and anxious myself, and feel very guilty towards him as if I try to discuss my feelings he says its all about me and I am selfish, or leave him alone, or he just completely tunes out. When do I know when enough is enough? Where is the level of self preservation? I love him to pieces but at times like this he does not resemble the man I love. He is very good at turning things around onto me and make it out like I am the one being distant,cold,and mean, he says I nag him but if I didn't he wouldn't take his meds or get out of bed or anything. We cannot see eye to eye on this disharmony and I wonder if it is the end? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[IAMTHAT_IAM]

Hi ashtucker

I am a person in a 14 year relationship with mental health influences and have many friends who have partners with depression and anxiety, I can only speak of my experience and observation but are by any means a relationship expert or councillor.

One thing I have noticed build up in my own relationship is resentment, that goes both ways! and for me it may be a lack of understanding, empathy, attentiveness or being spoken to in a certain way. When you tell someone that you don't like this or how it makes you feel and it keeps happening there is a resentment building and eventually it is going to burst.

Its sounds like you are really doing an extreme amount to make this work, you could be doing to much and its become expected?

When I was at the peak of my anxiety and not handling it well, I would say to my partner when they would say I was being distant, useless or rude! "when you have anxiety everything in the whole world takes a back seat whilst this overwhelming  fight for survival takes over its like grasping onto dear life and you can't concentrate, focus or care about anything else!""its not a nice feeling, you can't control it, imagine the fear of death right now overwhelming you - what sort of answer would you give if I asked you to spend more time talking with me? You wouldn't give a dam only wanting to get through the present and feel better.

On a personal note to you, that seems like its all starting to effect you and fair enough not a great way to live be happy and share you journey together. Everyone is different and the discovery and process of coming to a place of clear skies with anxiety/depression could take 2 years or 7 the journey is more about finding a balance between medication, therapy, even a life style change to maintain a positive result.

You may need to talk with someone who has experience in this area, contact someone here they will be able t point you in the right direction.

Relationships are all about understanding, your relationship is what you make it but mental health can effect that so please get some help, Let me know how you go Cheers Aaron

[Amanda12]

Hi ashtucker,

Your story is very similar to mine. We have three children and we are getting married in August.  Iv been with my partner for 8 years now and im feeling like, is this what I really want for the rest of my life?? Iv tried so hard to help him and im always there when he falls off the rails but when the roles are reversed he gives no support because he isnt strong enough. How long do you support until you cant anymore. I seriously feel depressed and i feel like iv lost my partner! I love him but its starting to feel like i cant help someone who cant help himself. He has been on tablets for a couple of weeks now, and it feels like a whole new journey we are going through (not a good one at that). Sorry i didnt give advice but your post made me feel like maybe im normal and that i wasnt alone. So thank you.