I love my partner, but his depression is tearing us apart.

[mk1908]

It hurts me to be writing this, but I need a safe space that I can express what I am feeling.

I have been with my fiancé for two and a half years, engaged for 10 months. I have known of his struggles with depression for the entirety of our relationship. He witnessed a lot of domestic violence as a child, and has a lot of anxiety and self esteem issues as a result. I have also had my own struggles with anxiety and post traumatic stress, but with a combination of medication and intense counselling, I have overcome a lot of these issues. I love my fiancé more than anything in the world, but as time is going on, I question if I am helping, or enabling his depression.

In recent months, he has spiralled downhill. He has become very negative, withdrawn and has no motivation for life at all. He is on medication, and sees a counsellor, but his behaviour doesn't change. He calls in sick for work regularly and is happy to sit and play computer games all day, not shower and just be dragged through life. He doesn't help out around the house, is very forgetful and it is really driving a wedge between us. I work full time, and as he is casual in a lot of cases my income supports us both, and then run the entire house, because I don't want to add any pressure on him. I know he is trying, but at times it feels like he just takes advantage of me, and I begin to wonder if I am enabling him. Financial instability is a major anxiety trigger for me, and I feel like he disregards it. The reality is, if I wasn't there to pay the bills, and look after everything, he would have been homeless and god knows where a long time ago.

As much as it pains me to say, I have considered leaving him. I love him dearly, but I don't think he sees the pressure that this is putting on me, and in so many cases gets upset because he feels like I am making his mental health about me. I feel like I am barely holding it together, and wonder if I am doing myself more harm than good in this relationship, but I genuinely fear what would happen to him if I was to walk away. At this point in my life I imagined travelling the world with him, enjoying my life, planning our wedding and thinking about our future, and instead, I am barely making ends meet and feel like I'm being driven into the ground. I so want to see a light at the end of this tunnel, but it has felt like we continuously go one step forward, and five steps back. Does this cycle ever end?

[white knight]

Hi mk, welcome

Im concerned for you. No matter how ill we are we have to do the basics for ourselves.

This is mentioned in the following thread. Use google

Topic: who cares for the carer- beyondblue

Although I'm not assuming you dont use tact some if thus thread you might find segments that might benefit

Topic: talking to men- some tips- beyondblue

This one deals with what can help make a marriage happy

Topic: happy marriage, hobbies and spirit- beyondblue

This one deals with cycles

Topic: the timing of motivation- beyondblue

I get annoyed with many with mental illness that rely too heavily on their well partners.you can try many things but we all know that in the end if effort, appreciation and change isnt forthcoming you relationship is terminal.

I wouldnt be going ahead with wedding plans. This hurdle has to be jumped first.

Repost anytime

Tony WK

[geoff]

hello Mk, welcome to the forum and thanks for posting your first comment, that in itself isn't easy to do, but now you're on and that's great.
There's a lot Tony has said which I agree with, at the moment you're carrying an extra weight and also suggest to put the marriage on hold.
His job maybe lucky to survive but the way it's going they will terminate him, I know that's not his fault, however he doesn't appreciate what you are doing, all the effort you have put into this r/ship to keep it financially viable and expecting that you are the one to do everything.
This needs to change because what's happening is that it's beginning to slowly bring you down, that's not what we want, and can be avoided.
Love can be stretched, but only to a limit and only for a short time, a rubber band will break if it's stretched too far and that's what seems to be happening now.
You have done well to overcome what you have had to sustain earlier on, but it still doesn't mean that you're prone to collapsing again, your doing the best you can but something needs to be done to relieve the pressure and unfortunately it's with your finance, whether it's his medication not working or he's not getting much out with his counsellor, I don't know.
To ask him to move out may seem to be a terrible thing to say, but don't feel guilty, he needs to be told that he has to get the help needed for him to improve so that the marriage can happen. Geoff.

[silverfish]

I'm in a very very similar situation to you mk1908. I've been with my partner for 7 and a half years and we have been engaged for 2 and a half. My partner has been in and out of work since we returned from the UK 5yrs ago where he experienced a lot of verbal and physical abuse from his manager. Since then he hasn't been able to hold down a job, started smoking weed (and lying about it), not being honest with me about things, taking things out on me and withdrawing from life. In the last 12 months he has lost 3 jobs (2 of those were part time ones). He got a job a couple of weeks ago (working 12hrs per week) after not having any work for 5 months. I have been supporting us financially and i have GAD. After my pleas he finally saw a psychologist (who was pretty useless) and at the end of last year i got him to see a psychiatrist but he hasn't been going much (forgetting appointments, not putting money aside to pay for the appointments).

When he gets paid he wants to keep the money for him so that he can buy stuff that he wants (i.e junk food, pot, computer games etc) yet i have no savings and have been busting my arse off at work so that i can pay for everything. He cooks dinners and does the dishes (and after a week of nagging sometimes vacuums/cleans the bathrooms) but doesnt think that it is fair that he has to do everything around the house. My partner has no future plans and everything seems too hard. When he is happy he makes plans and gets excited, but then when his mood changes he forgets about them, doesnt want to go and then uses it against me saying that he never gets to do what he wants to do.

I have been struggling SO much over the last couple of years and between having a stressful job myself, and trying to manage my own anxieties, i am running out of energy. I want to buy a house with him and make it our own, go travelling, hang out with friends etc. I love him and when he is his usual happy, playful self life is so much fun. But this only lasts a week or so before he starts to turn and the depression creeps back in for a few weeks. I feel like i am on a rollercoaster. And like you I wonder if it will ever end