Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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Depressed partner is out of work, drinking heavily and very unsociable

replies: 9

My partner of 30 years took what he hoped was his dream job interstate and we both moved only to find the same bullying and nepotism he had experienced before in his industry. We had quite a substantial property portfolio when we moved and have since had to sell multiple properties to make ends meet and he blames himself for this. Since returning home I have secured full time employment in a regional town and he has joined me but has been unable to find employment himself. He always seems to be the bridesmaid at every interview... He is alone all day while I am at work and I often have to do paperwork at night too but I figure I'm providing a decent income for both of us and we have always shared a bank account. He is depressed and drinking heavily every night and now my parents are coming to visit and he has had a total meltdown which I believe is from not having to socialise with anyone and then he will have 2 people living with us for 1 week. He used to get along really well with my parents before we moved interstate and we even went on holidays with them but now anyone visits and he becomes very introverted and unsociable often just sitting there and not engaging in any conversation. I have tried to talk to him and also to just say I understand he wants some space but he is now just locking himself in a room and only coming out when necessary. He also has chronic fatigue syndrome so that's another factor. I have asked him to talk to his doctor about the depression which he openly admits to suffering from (well with me anyway) but he just says he's managing. Each day I don't know if I will have my happy, bubbly extrovert or the grim reaper living with me. I have two weeks off and I was really looking forward to it but if I have to live with his moodiness I would rather be back at work.

Supporting parents as well as yourself during hard times?

replies: 10

Hello I am only young and throughout the year I have been dealing with depression. My mother has been put under a lot of pressure in the last three years, looking after my sick father, my parents business including finances and also my own illness. She is now quite emotional and run down. She isn’t enjoying life and she doesn’t have much motivation to socialise or do much at all. Should I be doing more to support her? I want to but it feels strange as I am her daughter and only a teenager. My instincts tell me to look after my own health first and that as she is an adult she must look after herself and talk to my father if she needs more support. It sounds harsh to me but it makes me uncomfortable when she puts her problems onto me as I don’t know what to do in return. My father is well now but they seem to be under a lot of strain and their relationship is under pressure. I feel a bit of guilt as I’ve caused her quite a lot of distress. My mother and I have the same way of dealing with our problems, pushing our emotions down and staying quiet until it’s all too much. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you very much for reading x

How do you not scream at them!??

replies: 3

My first post. Have a husband who is a recovering alcoholic with diagnosed depression and anxiety past 2 years. He has been seeing our local doctor is on depressents and calma's when needed. He's recently changed his medication as I pushed him to mention that nights were bad. Very short tempered, moody, in the afternoons/evenings. Things still haven't improved. It's exhausting always being the peace keeper. He doesnt handle our 14 year old daughter well, (normal teenager with attitude) and gets so angry. I just want to scream back at him to just stop it, which I know you can't do. It's so hard. No I don't talk to anyone hence this post. I keep it all inside, put on the brave face and go to work. I've read books, I'm trying to learn and understand everything I can. There seems to be lots of help for the patient but what about me and our children!? Sounds terribly selfish I'm sorry. He'll wake up in the morning and be good, but each bad night another part of me breaks inside.

Work Upheaval whilst Partner undergoing Treatment

replies: 2

My partner has been suffering from severe mental health issues for approximately the last 4 years. Ranging from OCD (intrusive thoughts), Anxiety and Depression. We have 2 beautiful children (with my second son born about 9 months ago and oldest being 8 years old). She is going through a pretty severe depressive episode (suicidal) at the moment and is in hospital getting ECT. She has been in hospital for the last 9 weeks. Our baby is with her in hospital with her as she was breastfeeding (weening the baby off now). So the last few months have been challenging for me in looking after my oldest child, juggling care for the youngest, holding down the home and doing my best in a very demanding job. The job has actually been quite good of late but we learned today about a massive restructure whereby we have been asked to essentially re-apply for our existing jobs or get redeployed elsewhere within the organisation. Although I am sceptical about the redeployment at the moment. I know it is part of her condition but she has expressed to me previously that she feels responsible for holding me back from progressing in my career due to her illness. Which is absolutely not true. However, this could potentially be a very stressful and worrisome time (from a work perspective) and I don't how / if to let my spouse know as I don't want to trouble her and cause further stress and anxiety.

How to help someone that understands she has depression, but wont get help

replies: 6

Hi All. I have been with my partner for over 5 years and we are pretty good as relationships go. We both have kids and are a blended family. As time has progressed I have discovered more and more about her previous demon's to which it seems there has been a battle of sorts going on with the black dog at various levels over the years. Lately there has been an escalation in these feelings, to which whilst she has always been a big drinker this has increased to a very unhealthy level. There have been moments where, she has sourced other items which she feels might help her which a few years ago she never would have done. She can recognise she is depressed, however for one reason or another will no go to the Dr now matter what I do to convince her. Living with this person is becoming very hard, we are well and truly ingrained together financially, unwinding this would be a nightmare, but quite simply I truly love her and dont want this to end. I just want her to get as well as she can be... Some of the behaviours when drunk, which is becoming more and more often (it's gone from on weekends to off her dial a few times a week) She has gone from what I considered a functioning alcoholic to one whose functioning is becoming impaired... Falling asleep in the shower, the toilet, hurting herself (accidentally as smashed, falling over etc) and occasionally dabbling in other items when she knows I really dont like that has become the norm. Financial issues, kids issue's etc all come into the mix. Just dont know what to do, she wont go to the Dr and regardless, she has said this hasnt really helped in the past. Self medication with alcohol and other has reached a point where I am really worried. I dont think she will do anything, but it's hard to live with. As much as it sucks for me, I cant imagine what it is like for her. I know I'm probably just going to be told to try and get her to get medical help (I am trying believe me) but guess I just wanted to put it out there and see what the response is. Thanks

Partners

replies: 2

Hi I was wondering if there are many partners of those suffering with depression on these forums? I’ve been with my wife for more than 30 years, she was diagnosed some time ago with depression. I want to help her by being supportive but I feel like I’m the battering ram for every little thing that might go wrong or not suit her ...... when she gets to her tipping point she unloads on me, if I defend myself I’m an even bigger bastard and she walks away giving me a spray as she leaves the room. I’m not perfect, I can be selfish at times but I love my family and will do what I can to keep it together. Q: Is this common behaviour for people with depression? Q: How do I deal with it? Simply let her unload on me?

Seeking guidance for partner with depression

replies: 1

Hi. I'm new to this and looking for a little help/guidance My partner appears to have fallen into quite a deep depression yet refuses to acknowledge it. Day after day I see this blank/zoned out expression on her face, completely shutting me out. Some days she will refuse to leave the bed, others she won't move from the couch, often going several days without showering. Her alcohol intake has increased substantially - often sitting up on her own and drinking to the point of passing out Other days she seems ok, yet without warning or any obvious trigger, she falls back into a bad day I'm really concerned about her. I try to remain calm and supportive, yet no matter how gently I approach the subject, she shuts me out by saying 'I'm fine.' and 'I don't have depression'. She refuses to talk to anyone or seek help. This has been happening off and on for the past 12 months. I really love her but I'm starting to reach the end of my tether Any guidance here would be really appreciated Thanks

Depression -supporting my partner and children through his depression

replies: 6

Well up at 11.52pm not a rare thing for me lately as my partner who I love dearly has again behaved in a way that my two boys aged 12 and 13 are upset and leaving me frustrated, worried, angry, confused and to be honest pissed off at him as like usual not long after the damage is done he is again apologetic and upset knowing that his behaviour over such a small problem was selfish and not acceptable as it wasn't the 29 times beforehand. I at this stage cannot even tolerate to hear it again and feel like a prisioner who is ready to explode. This is one of many outbreaks he has weekly, in front of the kids and that he regrets after I ask him to think about his actions. This time it was about my youngest and his bedtime of 9.30pm. He was asking my partner for 5 minutes (tears and all) to finish a playstation game. My p said no ad school was tomorrow etc. I support this and after going to see my boys said that they are the rules and they know that. Whilst just chatting with them before lights out we hear all this banging. I go and my P was banging doors etc and flew into a rage stating "how could you do this you didn't support me" he's shputing and I just calmly say "think about you actions and stop been a child as I supported your answer as they are our house rules" this goes on and I wslk away to let the boys know it's ok this is depression then my youngest upset says that he hates us fighting and it happens all the time. He says he just thinks that one day we will leave my P and he doesn't want that" my P is a great father figure and my boys adore him but as any child would cannot stand the yelling, sadness and anger he displays daily. He had again apologised to me after more than 3 attempts to state his point and blame me. I am not leaving, I am not giving up on him but I do not know what to do as this after 6 months is now getting me so angry that I don't like been around him hearing how bad he slept or how he had a down day or that he doesn't feel good and he will say this to me 10 times with min 10 minutes whilst I clench my jaw and reply "oh darl that's not good, I love you" ect what the hell do I do from here? He

Overwhelmed! Supporting 21-year-old depressed boyfriend, his mother lashes out at him for being depressed & I have no support of my own

replies: 16

Hi, I have been with my depressed boyfriend for almost 3 years and I'm really struggling to cope now. We are both 21, do not live together and both live at home with our families. I work and study and he has only been working for a year and is due to start his dream uni course in March after 2 failed attempts at other degrees. He has just come out of a two-week stint in rehab and was a changed man and I was so proud of him. After 5 days of him being back at home we were due to head down the Coast for two nights joining his family on their holiday. He was going to drive us there which was a big deal because he has severe anxiety about driving due to a crash. When I found him at home, I saw his depression had hit and it was most likely triggered by him about to be in close proximity to his mother who he does not have a good relationship with. She frequently puts him down saying he's useless, he's been out of school for nearly 5 years with nothing to show for it etc and she says this to him, in front of his siblings and even calls me to tell me things like this. I know she's disappointed in him because his depression has caused him to let us down a fair bit but I don't think this is fair on him and it puts me in an extremely awkward position listening to her lash out at him. He is currently on anti-depressants and a drug for alcohol cravings and sees his psychiatrist once a fortnight if he is up to it (if his depression hits, he misses the appointment). He completed the drive despite being depressed and I was so proud of him, but the day after we arrived, his mother started on him saying that she didn't believe he would do this degree, it's a waste of money, he's got no hope etc and this was awful to experience. He immediately retreated and would not join family activities and it was a huge effort for me to take him to the beach just the two of us. We got home from the coast and I told him I would leave him be because he wants space when he's depressed for about 4-5 days. The next morning his mum called me to say that she TEXTED him to say that she wants him out of the house by the end of February and that he can't love me if he's depressed and he can live in a sharehouse with druggies for all she cares. She then told me she wants to sell the family home and she wants to leave her husband as well and so many other things I do not need to be hearing. I tried calling my boyfriend after this and he wouldn't answer. Please help! I'm completely exhausted.

after some carers spport... guidance....

replies: 11

hello everyone, im not really sure what im after. advice.. support...guidance..... im a carer for my pop and has had to have a test done that was orginally thought a thyroid problem as hes had those in the past but since then have discovered a lump on his pancreas so hes jsut had one of those ct things where the dyes injected and now just awaiting results. and then he went to the drs today and now they want to do a lung biopsy. hes not too worried about it but im doing enough worrying for both of us and more. ive really only been a carer for 2 yrs but nothing majorly like this before so some guidance would be great. i was a helper for my nan, it wasnt paid and i was alot younger and didnt really know the meaning of being a carer as such until i started really looking after my pop. any advice on how to cope would be much appreciated

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

Depressed partner is out of work, drinking heavily and very unsociable replies: 9

Supporting parents as well as yourself during hard times? replies: 10

How do you not scream at them!?? replies: 3

Work Upheaval whilst Partner undergoing Treatment replies: 2

How to help someone that understands she has depression, but wont get help replies: 6

Partners replies: 2

Seeking guidance for partner with depression replies: 1

Depression -supporting my partner and children through his depression replies: 6

Overwhelmed! Supporting 21-year-old depressed boyfriend, his mother lashes out at him for being depressed & I have no support of my own replies: 16

after some carers spport... guidance.... replies: 11