I don't know what do to - Partner's anxiety

[Peper]

Hello,

This is my first post on here, i had a hard time finding a forum like this, for people who live with people with anxiety and depression. Really nice to find this place!

My bf suffers from anxiety, he is on medication for almost a year now. When he gets anxious it makes him angry. I can not handle his anger. And its weird, cause i can tell the difference from when he is naturally angry and anxiety-angry. He snaps at me, everything i do annoys him, he sometimes thinks i do things on purpose just to get on his nerve and tons of other stuff. No he has never hit me nor has he threaten to do so.  I am really patient about this as i have been through OCD and do know a thing or two about anxiety disorders, but all cases are different and i cant seem to help my partner.

I have maintained my life-friends etc, as i knew from the beginning that this is going to be a bumpy road, so i have done my best to take care of myself, except one thing. I haven't talked about this to many people, i haven't expressed my concerns, cause i cant find people who will understand. Until yesterday, i discovered a friend was going through the same and i opened up. it did help a bit , although i do feel a bit exposed, cause of course, i forgot to mention, with all my partners anxiety , mine has started to flare up again.

I have read that irritability is a common symptom of anxiety, but does it take an angry person to get an angry anxious person? i mean, is it in his character too? He seems to believe so, im trying to tell him its mostly his anxiety, but i know it can be a combination. Yet, when he is anxious, he turns into a completely different man. He's sweet, funny, can take a joke, than all of a sudden, he starts snapping at me. Well, to be honest at first it was "all of a sudden", now i can tell when he is anxious even before he suspects it.

I do think he also suffers from depression. i also think that the doctor he goes to is not that good, but at the moment its the only one he is willing to go to, so i haven't expressed my concerns about her.

Is anyone in the same situation? any tips? I do not know what to do, now every time he snaps i start crying. And i usually can control my emotions pretty well.

Thanks for reading!

[white knight]

Hi Peper, welcome here to beyond blue forums

Irritability- mmm, I am very irritable and have a depleted anxiety level compared to my younger days. I'm 58yo. My anxiety is almost gone, having peaked in 1987. That anxiety required a mix of meds, relaxation and therapy.

But I can be irritable still.  I put it down to focussing. If I'm doing something, say working on my car and my wife asks me to do a chore....I snap. If she approached me "when you are ready, can you please take the garbage out darling". I'd be ok. 

Please search for and read thread -

Talking to men - some tips

Embracing the embracer

Words are sticks and stones

Caring for your 'well' partner

Hope they help.  take care Tony WK

[tahjze]

Hi Peper,

This is my first post too. I'm not sure if my post will echo with your experience but it seems to be the closest one I can see on the forum...

My partner has been experiencing severe anxiety and depression for a while now. We've been together for over a year and last year, while taking on a full time job that was very stressful, he found out the generic brand of anti-depressants he was taking over a couple of months was only giving him half a dose each day. It sent him into a spiral which meant he couldn't work and I found myself being his sole carer and the sole breadwinner.

 His anxiety was scary. He'd go into panic attacks and I had no idea what to do to help him. He's not violent and has never hurt me but he can become snappy and irritable, then just run into his room and scream into his pillow.

After dealing with the loss of my mum a few years ago I found that my partner's anxiety was flaring my past depression and anxiety. I started getting panic attacks again and I feel so low. I can usually keep it together too but it's difficult when you can't predict what they will do or how emotional they will be. You also don't want to feel like a trigger in their emotional cycle. 

I think it's so commendable that you've kept your friend network so strong. I hope it continues and you've reminded me of how important it is to do that. 

My partner's psychologist is a bit sketchy but I haven't said anything to him about it. Seeing her seems to give him a bit of joy d'vive.

I think having your own space and time is important. I'm gonna try and talk to my partner about the snappiness and how it makes me feel, see if we can reach a better way of communicating when we're both frustrated. 

I'll let you know if anything helps (other than the good links on the prev post).

Thanks for making me feel not alone anymore

tahjze x

[Peper]

Hello again!

I haven't been on here since my first posts. It hasn't been better. 
First off, i would like to thank White knight for his reply and his helpful links, all except one. The first one about "how to talk to a   man", i find extremely sexist and to be honest, it made me hesitate to reply. The other links were great though, so thank you for those.

I am really here to reply to tahjze,Hi!Our situations are indeed similar.

I hope you found a way to talk to him about his snapiness and i really hope things are going better. I have talked to him about the snapiness, i have even told him that i am always thinking about what to say just in case i trigger him and that i find that really annoying and i can not keep on doing that for long. I found out that talking to him did not work, probably because he does not help himself. (i stopped choosing my words, cause i refuse to get use to it, by the way)

Thats the problem. He wants to get better, but he does not want to do anything to get there. He does not want to work on it. And i cant make him, just like noone made me. I have no idea on how to help him realize he needs to work on it. I have even bought him a book. He is in a bad place right now. Closed up in the house, he barely gets outside.

One of my questions is about "tough love". I am afraid i am making it easy for him. Im afraid i am actually helping him keep this behavior up by telling him "its ok". On the other hand, i know that it is not in his reach to change this behavior. he does not snap at me on purpose, he is not anxious on purpose, so thats why i always tell him its ok. My strategy was to try to distract him when he is anxious by bringing up happy subjects that i am positively sure that they make him happy. After the distraction , usually the next day just to make sure we avoid another panic attack, i tell him that he needs to work on this and suggest ways for him to do so. I always reassure him that i will help him on his way. He is always so positive and almost exited about fighting it, then once everything seems safe, he forgets about it.Than comes another attack and so on.

This seems to be the story the last couple of months.The change i see is in his time to react.Meaning, at first a panic attack or just a server anxiety phase, could last for half a day before he started to apologize for his behavior, now it may take 2-3 minutes (with some episodes of hours). Should i try confronting him while he is having an attack? 

Thank you!