Husband's depression & abusive/withrawn beahviour pushing me away

[Tully1803]

Hi There

I have suffered from depression and anxiety most of my life but have been doing really well for the past few years.

My husband however has recently been diagnosed with depression, although my guess is he has been suffering for years.

For years he has pushed me away with his "I'm fine" attitude, refusing to speak with me or if he does just yelling at me telling me its all my fault.  He has been unmotivated, grumpy, angry.  I have felt like I am parenting 2 children - him and our 3 year old. 

We have been to marriage counselling on several occasions, the most recent finishing in December.  In these sessions he continues with the "I'm fine" line and says barely a thing.  I have told him on numerous occasions I am very unhappy, but he just doesn't hear me.

2 wks ago he was admitted to hospital after self presenting due to suicidal thoughts - I am pleased that he has taken that step.  Up until yesterday when we visit him he just sits there, barely says a thing & refused to talk about whats going on.  The past 2 visits he has yelled at me, telling me I don't care about him, I don't support him, I'm not there for him, I'm toxic to him, I'm nasty to him.  Yesterday he even asked me to leave - the whole visit lasted no more than 5 mins.

I'm really tired of this behaviour.  After years of being treated like this I feel like I have almost moved on from my husband and am struggling to feel much apart from anger towards him.

Suffering from depression & suicidal thoughts myself - I know how tough it can be.  Which leads me to another issue for me.  4 years ago I was admitted to hospital and my husband refused to visit me the whole time basically saying he couldn't deal with it.  I was admitted with our daughter and he wouldn't even visit her.  He refused to take care of the finances etc and so I also had to manage that from hospital.

Right now my husband is not getting paid, so I have to manage our finances, care for our daughter, keep in contact with his work and go to work .  I am struggling to support him emotionally, but I feel I am supporting him in other ways - by keeping our life going.

With all this going on I just feel anger towards him and I feel guilty about that.  But I have worked so hard to pull myself out of depression, I just don't want to go there again.  How do I support him without allowing him to treat me like this?  Or does there come a point where the marriage is just over?

Appreciate any thoughts

[Pixie15]

Hi Tully1803,

My partner has never been admitted to hospital for a mental health issue but has been there for accidents. He also suffers anxiety and depression.

What I have done on these occasions is what you are doing. Caring for yourself and your child, going to work, keeping in touch with his work and managing the finances. Just keeping everything together as best I could and not doing anything unnecessary.

If your partner does not want to see you then it may be in your own best interests to respect his wishes. Call before your visit and make sure he is okay to see you. If not take advantage of the time to manage your own health.

Your partner is getting the care he wants and you will have enough to deal with when he is released from hospital. I do not believe it is uncaring to not visit especially if he is uncomfortable seeing you there. 

Grateful.

[Forza]

My husband had back surgery 10 years ago which failed. He has been in chronic pain ever since. As a result he is now suffering from depression. He is angry, bitter and constantly questions why he is suffering so much. Our business is suffering as is his relationship with me and our children. He has a few good days and then really bad days. He sleeps a lot in the day too..He is on an antidepressant which was also meant to be good for nerve pain but hasn't helped. I'm trying to take things one minute at a time and be strong for him and our kids. I miss the man I married. What more can I do?

[Pixie15]

Hi Forza,

Chronic nerve pain seems to be one of the most difficult things to live with. I have met one other person recently who has to deal with this and I do not really have any useful suggestions for dealing with the pain.

Your business suffering must be a concern for you. If your partner can not deal with it because of the pain is there a way for you to take on more of the responsibility without undermining his confidence further?

Have you got someone to talk to about your feelings of loss? I am wondering if you and your partner are both in a way grieving the loss of the man you married.

My partner is laid up with a back injury at the present and my situation is really similar in many ways to what you describe although I am still hoping he will make a full recovery. I really need that hope.

Grateful.