Husband with NPD

[Stockholm]

After over 36 of marriage I know I have hit yet another wall in my struggle to cope with a husband with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I after building defences against 'eggshell walking'. I did think I had clambered out of this hole only to find that the next hole is  deeper.

I hear you ask, why do you not leave him? Several reasons:1) he threatens to kill or harm himself and the fault would be all mine. I would never seen my grandchildren again. They would hate me. Is this emotional blackmail for real? Yes. 

2) I had (over the years without realizing it) become dependent on this man in an emotional dance where he holds all the strings = Stockholm Syndrome/dependency. He was diagnosed in 1999-2000 but I was assured  (& in my love and empathy for him) that these 'types' get better with age. No they do not. Forever to my shame - & not that he would ever get help himself because everyone is wrong and he is right ~ I thought that love and reason who 'cure' him. It did not. What a fool I am.

3) His need for attention is very deep. Whilst I was undergoing brain tumour surgery in 2009, he would ring one of the many female stand-bys he has if I cannot give him the attention he craves/needs. He chooses days like anniversaries etc to have psychotic rages where he destroys my things (never his) so that I do not receive any attention from anyone else. The next day, in his mind what he did does not exist - never happened. 'Its in the past'. Its all my own fault.

When my father died suddenly too young & my grief was deep his need for my full attention to be solely on him had him end up in hospital after an attempt to cause harm to himself but again it's just another attempt to be in spotlight. I had to hide my grief. The Dr at this very good Psych. Hospital observed him, spoke to him and then spoke to me and advised I seek Psych help for him with the NPD diagnosis.He never did.

Anyway, even typing this means that someone 'out-there' is reading and knows and this enables me to continue. I have noticed though, that I am MUCH stronger (psychologically) these days and this fact concerns him which is puzzling to me. I show this strength now when he threatens violence/rages.

Another facet of this disorder is that he never ever wants bad news because 'something' has gone out of his control ie: like a flat tyre etc. Control over everything is essential to him. 

If there are any other spouses/family members out there that have to cope like this, any words of wisdom?


 

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[Doolhof]

Hi Stockholm,

Thanks for further explanation of how your husband's condition is. It is something I do not understand as I have not experienced it.

You sound like a very strong person who has endured so much and loves her husband very much. I do wish you all the best in your quest to make the most of what life has dealt you both.

It is good that you are able to notice the signs that things are not going so well for your husband. To be for warned can be very helpful.

It is also good that you feel you can share here on this forum. I certainly can not comprehend what you are both experiencing, but hopefully just knowing people care will help you a little.

Cheers for now from Lauren

[Stockholm]

Just would like to thank Beyond Blue for this forum...which has helped in its own way or rather, it has given me the extra spanner [:-)] in my own coping tool-box to seek out a professional who specializes in personality disorders.

I am still fairly blown away that there are others in similar situations and my heart goes out to them all.

Best Regards

[Bbread]

Hello Stockholm,

 Although undiagnosed, I believe my partner may have BPD. Not the same, but I see some very similar traits to what you have described with your husband ie, lack of empathy, constant lying, seeking attention, death threats and inability to take responsibility for his actions.

Unfortunately, I have no words of wisdom as I am still trying to learn about his condition and researching avenues for help.

 I do have to say, you are such a strong person to live through the roller coaster that     Your husband's disorder has presented.

If at all like me, I haven't allowed many to discover what my life with my partner is truly like (I'd rather not send my mum to an early grave), so I hope that by posting your experiences and hearing of others in somewhat similar situations, that helps you feel a little less alone.  That is part of the reason I've joined.

All the best.

[Stockholm]

Dear Bbread

Thank you so much!

Yes just like you and many others here, I've not allowed anybody  to know about the situation - my life, as experienced up till now as I have sought my own counselling and of course help via BeyondBlue!

Yet having said that, people do know that there is something strange about it all...but see me smiling and jolly and they glance over the weird parts.  Even spilling out like this is painful as the narrative for the most part and for most people is way to much to handle. I understand that. They back away and that is the end of that. You probably know or have experienced what I am taking about here.

I have come to realise that I live in a co-joined fantasy world of 'smile, smile, smile' and don't ever look as if you are not enjoying yourself with me (my husband) - or else as you are aware the threats of self harm begin and lately he has taken to saying  this 'you will die and old lonely woman without me (him]' if I leave.

I look at him blankly when he says this. He does not know of my own plans for freedom. Nor that I am concurrently seeking help (strength??) from a trauma counselling. How horrible to rely on duplicity to build on strength and gain freedom?? It is indeed like a hostage situation.

I have had hopes that Mental As Week would somehow address the issue and bring it to the light of day as it deserves - but they did not and understandably, how can you explain to people like you and I who are still struggling with making sense of people that make 'no-sense' that  really there is nothing to do but walk away - for our own health's sake?? In the end it must be about ourselves - about survival.

I know I  only have knowledge of NPD with convergent Psychopathy and very little about BPD. I wish beyond reasoning that they (the experts) would find out why it happens.

The hardest thing that I have had to learn via counselling is to not give up on empathy to my husband even though he doesn't know how it feels to be a receiver of such. But to give it as a normal decent human being but square it off with the reality of situation at the time and not allow him to feed off it. 

Strength is required to walk away as well. I gain a degree of it with each passing day.

Thank you so much for your empathy and 'listening'. I have no words of adequate thanks but its from the heart! I do wish you well!

Regards

Stockholm 

Thank you so much for 



beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636. 

[Guest_5809]

My ex husband father of my 2  children is undiagnosed NPD borderline personality disorder. I still live on egg shells waiting for the time bomb to go off. I am tired of it. The fear of him gets so great I just want to run and hide. Disappear forever with the kids. He has been physically verbally and emotionally abusive. He lies. He asks the kids if I am dating. He ring several times a day and if he can't get in touch with me he sends me a message saying have you got a visitor.  I am tired of it. I am starting to think there is only one way out of this. This torment and fear. He has had another partner for the last 5 years but still treats me likes I am his and the house still his. I am soo tired of living like this for me and my kids. No one can tell me how to break free with out panic and fear of reprisal .

[IAMTHAT_IAM]

Hi Dottibluebell

I can understand what you are going through and how it makes you feel, this condition unfortunately is like an incurable disease really robbing people of the very basic right to a happy life.

The circumstances seem like they are never going to go away, the light at the end of the tunnel is very faint. I had a great phycologist appointed to me free from my GP as part of the mental health program that entailed 10 sessions that I found really useful. The service would have costed $1,750 if I didn't have the referral and believe this is why many can't seek help? 

Dan, among many different therapies for basic anxiety panic attacks spent some time and did a great job helping me with my thoughts. The basis of the conversation was about you having your own special right to think what you want and no body can take that away from anyone, these thoughts also can get the better of us and can if not understood can become our reality. So he asked me to write down what is my ideal life regardless of external or circumstantial influences would be and we then did a circle of influence. We drew a circle and things in my life I could not influence were put on the outside and things I had control over were on the inner, he then said what will i feel better on a day by day basis doing, stuff on the inside or outer! We then spoke about now being a time to be a little selfish and do things for yourself and I can admit I felt better. 

This was all hard work, don't get me wrong nothing has happened over night! I feel so stupid, embarrassed and just downright disappointed in myself for letting these things happen to me and not for days or months but years! This stems from one of those things in life that relate to the past, I came from a separated family and from early on said I will never do that to my son, I even stupidly years ago said I didn't care about having a loveless relationship, be unhappy and just deal with it to ensure my son didn't have to feel those feelings i did. This was fair and well when I thought my partner was an emotional abuser with a knack of belittling and stripping me of feeling good. I only just realised in the last month that it was an extreme case of NPD and now everything previously can be explained, i do feel better just reading others experiences here and found out about NPD when a forum post came up on a google search. What to do now??? Im going back to GP to get referral and get some help!

[Doolhof]

Hi I AM,

Just wanted to thank you for your post. I really like the idea of the circle, writing down what you have control over and what the outside influences are in your life.

Thanks so much for sharing that. It has made me think I would benefit very much from thinking about and considering life from that aspect!

All the best to you in trying to find answers and support. It is so helpful when people share what is working for them. I do also realise it takes a lot of hard work at times to get results!

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[Doolhof]

Hi Stockholm,

I'm hoping you are receiving the help and assistance you need right now. I find that looking for information on how to cope with my various conditions helps me immensely. I try not to get bogged down with all of the repercussions of my mental heal illnesses but to read about how I can help myself more.

The problem with any illness, mental health wise or physically, is that every person can present with the complaint a little differently. It is so beneficial if we can find ways that work for us to help make each day more enjoyable and bearable.

My life has felt like a roller coaster ride recently. I have had some days where I have been feeling great, then my husband has plummeted with his depression and that has affected me, so I then try to pull us both up and out of the hole.

Sometimes I find it very hard to be supportive and caring when I receive very little of that myself from my husband. I know I don't feel good within myself when I purposely ignore the hurt and pain he is experiencing. Even if I don't really want to show him concern I do, because in the long run it makes us both feel better.

Hope my rambling makes some sense! I guess what I am trying to say is that when I feel good about doing something it gives me a boost.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[JenEckles]

Hello Stockholm

You are describing my husband perfectly in words that I couldn't have strung together myself.

I'm living through a spell of isolation at the moment. My husband has not spoken to me for days with no explanation. It's such a lonely and helpless existence where nothing I say counts and blame laid at my feet is a constant feature. There is nothing logical about his thought processes and he will probably snap out of it in a day or so by asking me if I'm "going to be nice" to him now.

As far as I am aware, my husband hasn't been diagnosed with anything but he has admitted to self diagnosis of anxiety. I suspect he has a mix of anxiety and NPD. His desire to throw himself into the spotlight is a consistent feature and also, his need to be first in line, get there first, first to receive dinner etc ignoring everyone around him.

At one point early in our marriage we were renovating and I was running a small business, things were pretty busy but we were managing until he told me that I was "killing him". He told me again when I ignored it the first time, by waking me at 2am in a rage.

Spells like the current one don't happen all the time but I could write a book about the behaviour. I do my best to keep things even, keep myself happy, keep our home nice and watch what I tell him because no matter how innocent or normal my comments might be, they will be used against me. He is a masterful projectionist and he cannot/will not accept any constructive criticism. It's just not worth the angst it causes, so I say nothing. In addition, he craves attention and as you described in your post, when my father died which was quickly followed by my brother, he made arguments to me not to get involved in funeral or other family arrangements. Each time, he has behaved in ways that reduced me to tears by storming out in a rage over my intention to be with my family. This was baffling to me. How could someone prevent what is their right, to grieve in their own way. His lacks empathy and the ability to connect in this way.

I could go on forever but I just had to reply to your post to let you know that it has helped me today, when I needed it most. Pulling myself through these narcissistic spells is extremely hard, there's no place to be and no where to be heard. He is always right at all costs and as you say, him being right is more important than anything else.

Thank you again, and I hope your retirement is going well.