I love man with ptsd who is detached and numb. Does that pass?

[RQT]

18 months ago I fell deely in love with a man who suffers ptsd. He and i bared our souls to each other. We were very happy and in love. Over the last 6 months he has become detached and numb. I am fighting hard to save our relationship. He wanted to end it recently as he feels so guilty about not being able to feel his love for me as he once did. It broke my heart. Even though he says he wants to finish things, he keeps in contact and tells me how much he will miss my support and company. That he would do anything to feel that love he had for me again. Has anybody out there experienced this? With love, support and professional help can a ptsd sufferer reconnect with their emotions?

[Croix]

Dear RQT~
Thanks for your post. I can exactly imagine what led you to write. It’s not a bad move as there are many here with experience and a desire to help.

I’m an ex-policeman. I was invalided out of the force a great many years ago with PTSD and the accompanying stress-related disorders, anxiety, depression and so on.

This did not all happen at once and built up over several years leading to a complete breakdown.

As you have not mentioned the circumstances of the gentleman’s experience I can only guess and say what happened in my case.

I became increasingly distant. Became per-occupied with past events to the exclusion of things around me, experienced nightmares. Had a drastic nose-dive in self-worth, was convicted I was a burden to loved ones – and to the world. I was incapable of examining myself and did not realize if I was in love with my wife and son or not, I was unfeeling. Became bad-tempered and very withdrawn.

Concentration went right down, performing simple tasks (making a cup of tea for example) became ‘irrelevant’ to me.

Ok , you have not mentioned if this person is undergoing medical treatment. This is of course essential, I left things for a long time and they got worse to crisis point. If he has not done so already this person should see his GP with a view to diagnosis and therapy. Recovery will not be quick, but one can indeed get there.

I’d suggest you read up on PTSD, if you have not done so already, in The Facts menu towards the top of this page.

In addition there are, as you know, areas for PTSD and Supporting Families in the Forum where you might care to browse and join a thread if you feel it appropriate. Many have similar problems.

I recovered my emotions, lived for a total of 25 years with my wife in a very close relationship before she passed away. The incident happened about half way through our marriage.

Please feel free to post as often as you would like – you’ll be sure of an understanding and warm reception

Croix

[Neil_1]

Hi there RQT,

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for providing your post.

Croix has responded already to your post and has expressed some really excellent advice, through his own experiences. I hope that this was helpful to you.

I too, suffer from PTSD on a long term basis. I think it is possible to be able to reconnect with your emotions; perhaps not to the full extent that they were (well, I’m speaking from my own personal experience here – and without wishing to go into detail about mine, but what I will say is that we are all different). As a result, our traumas that we’ve experienced will vary greatly. But as Croix mentioned, with regular and excellent support and professional help, coupled with other supportive measures, this man of yours could win this battle and you could very well get back the relationship that you are fighting to save.

Hope that you can come again and chat.

Kind regards

Neil

[RQT]

Dear Croix,

Thank you so much for your reply and for sharing some of your own experiences with me. It has reminded me of the long journey ahead of my man and I should we stay together (I really hope we do) and given me hope that he may heal.

I believe his ptsd is a result of a few different events. The most significant being a fatality he witnessed in his work place. After which he did receive some counseling however it was short lived and he has not returned for many years. Like yourself, i see a build up that is likely to lead to a breakdown. Even he acknowledges that he is headed for rockbottom. His anxiety is becoming quite crippling and he is unable to feel anything, not even the love he knows he has for his children.

Over the last few weeks he has had moments where he is cold and almost cruel to me. He has said he wants me to get away so he can't hurt me with his lack of emotions. I wish i could turn my back on him but i simply can't. I love him and don't want to turn my back on him in his darkest hours.

Just the other night he asked me for a time frame in which i am prepared to stay with him as he gets professional help. He doesn't want me to hang on endlessly. I have given him 6 months. He has admitted he is scared and freaked out about the idea of seeing a counselor. I worry a little that he isn't ready and is doing it more for my sake than his own. I hope that he sees someone who can conect with him and get past his walls. Under the pain and anger there is a wonderful man. He deserves help and support, even though he loathes himself and thinks he is 'unfixable'.

Once again, thank you for your reply. I have done a lot of reading about ptsd but i will continue to educate myself. I will look at the other forums you suggested also.

[RQT]

Dear Neil1,

Thank you so much for your reply to my post and for sharing with me some of your own struggle with ptsd. It gives me hope knowing that with time and proper support he may be able to reconnect with his feelings and heal. I am faced with the challenge of maintaining my own wellbeing whilst being available to love and support him. I truly hope he seeks professional help very soon. Its truly awful watching him struggle. Thank you for welcoming me to Beyond Blue. Im very glad I came.

[RQT]

I became increasingly distant. Became per-occupied with past events to the exclusion of things around me, experienced nightmares. Had a drastic nose-dive in self-worth, was convicted I was a burden to loved ones – and to the world. I was incapable of examining myself and did not realize if I was in love with my wife and son or not, I was unfeeling. Became bad-tempered and very withdrawn.

This paragraph really hit home for me. It reads as if he may have written it himself.

[Croix]

Dear RQT~

This paragraph really hit home for me. It reads as if he may have written it himself.

I have the feeling that my reaction was/is quite common, and it is something that completely skews the thinking of the person involved. A ray of hope - I guess he is showing his care in asking you to go away, he does not believe he is able to care for you and possibly might consider himself a danger - I did , though in fact I never did anything untoward except shout.

I also don't think it really matters that much the reason that prompts him to go for treatment, provided he is willing to make an effort and not just be passive or resist.

It is not an easy job to look after someone in this state, and it is not overly quick. I have often thought about what kept my wife and I together until things improved. While I freely acknowledge the majority of effort was hers I now - so many years later - think that her love for me (including being gentle through to scoldings) was most obvious, but that my 'buried' love helped in some measure too.

I'm guessing - maybe I'm romantic.

What I do know is that my feelings have been back for a great many years. In fact somebody recently said I now wear my heart on my sleeve, perhaps a proof that full feeling, care and empathy can be restored. A further proof is that I was worthy of the long-term love of 2 people, plus my son.

I am not cured, the anxiety and memories are present, but I can cope and live a full life.

If you decide to remain with him and are not in any formal relationship it may help if he lists you as his next of kin to ease any bureaucratic obstacles.

I wish you the strength, humor and wisdom you need.

Croix

[RQT]

Thank you