Husband with depression

SallyY · ‎04-12-2014

Hi there,

So this is my story: I've been married to my husband for five years, we have two young children and a third on the way. He works a very stressful job and is incredibly hard on himself - always feeling like he's not doing enough, despite putting in long, long hours and receiving plenty of positive feedback. We've always been a very loving and affectionate couple, but a few months ago it all started unravelling - he was angry and upset a lot, and even had a short "emotional" affair. When I found out about the affair, he told me how depressed and unhappy he is, and agreed to see a GP who prescribed antidepressants and counselling. We also started marriage counselling. It's been two months of this now, and he's only getting worse - constantly down, feeling like he's no good to anyone, feeling worthless and trying to attribute blame for it. He says it's because he grew up in a family where his dad was physically abusive towards his mum, and also blames me for the fights we used to have at the beginning of our relationship. Last night he said he loves me, but doesn't know if he's "in love" with me anymore - and that he doesn't know what's real and what's the depression talking. My gut feel is that it is the depression (his dad and sister both suffered from it too) and I'm trying to not take things personally and to be as supportive as I possibly can be - without burying my head in the sand and trying to see things how I want to. I don't know how else to help. I'm reading up as much as I can about depression, trying to give him space whilst also letting him know I'm here for him, and trying to stay calm and keep it together for the sake of the kids. Just as he knows he shouldn't be making any life-changing decisions while in this state, I'm trying to do the same - I don't want to let the hurt lead to either of us ending things when there's a chance we can work it out. We have too much to lose with the beautiful family we've worked so hard to build. So my question is... what now? How do I help him while also helping myself? And are there any similar stories out there that have had a positive ending? Living in hope.

SIMILAR THREADS

My husband's depression is destroying our marriage

How do I support my husband suffering depression?

Dealing with my husband's depression / alcohol use - getting it off my chest

Husband's depression and anxiety getting to me

Husband with depression spiralling out of control

geoff · ‎05-12-2014

dear Sally, I'd like to welcome you to the site and posting a concerning post.

How have you gone reading the above threads, because there maybe some good points there for you.

You seem to be a very patient wife, but with a great deal to cope with.

Sometimes marriage counselling is good for the couple, other times there can be difficulty with one of the couple who still with-holds some important information, or because of his depression his mind could be blank as he might not be comprehend what is being said.

The comment that 'he shouldn't be making any life-changing decisions while in this state' is so true, so I would gather from this that he's not going to do anything out of the ordinary.

I am just wondering whether he might be worried about your finances, as he works long hours but is not enjoying his work.

There is a big difference when we use the word 'love'' for example, when a couple first meet well that's physical love with total adornment, but as time progress's being 'in love' is completely different than 'love you'.

Let us know about these threads. L Geoff. x

SallyY · ‎05-12-2014

Thanks for the reply, Geoff - much appreciated. Finances aren't a worry for him - his income is more than sufficient. He just sets such high standards for himself and easily feels like a failure when it's not the case.

We had another session with the therapist this morning and I do worry that she's not taking his depression into account enough. All her advice is well and good, but I don't think she realises that he's just not in a position to act on it. I also worry that it makes him think that none of this is depression-related, which in turn makes me worry that he will end up making a big decision and that will be that.

I've read all the other posts and the same things come through time and time again - loved ones being pushed away and hurt. I don't know if I should take comfort in this, but I guess I do.

Can you expand on what you mean about the differences between loving someone and being in love with them? He's definite he loves me, but "is confused about whether or not" he's in love with me, and that's what he wants to work out in his head. He's not sure if maybe he just loves me like another family member (despite saying he still desires me sexually).

I just feel terrified that I will lose him. I desperately don't want to. We will try spending more time together just the two of us, but beyond that I don't know what else to do, really.

geoff · ‎06-12-2014

dear Sally, thanks for getting back to us.

Perhaps I can explain 'being in love' and 'loving someone' by an analogue; let's assume that I just met Kylie Minogue, mind you I always use her name in many of my posts, and we just started going out, well then I would be in love with her in more ways than one, and to love someone, well I do actually have a twin but I love him.

Can I ask you what this big decision is that you are worried about. L Geoff. x