Husband who suffers anxiety and depression, possibly bipolar. He's had enough of my problems and wants me to change.

[mc8]

My story is quite long: been married for 17 years, 4 kids. He has always been a perfectionist and we've had periods where he just has had enough of my behaviour. He freezes me out, gets angry and upset and demands me to change. Then somehow we resolve it and it resurfaces. About 4 years ago he suffered his first panic attack in a very public place and had to do with his job. He returned to work but had 4 years of anxiety and depression. This year he had another panic attack, decided to resign, went on medication and started seeing a psychiatrist. Meanwhile I'm trying to keep it together at home and at my new job not knowing if I'll be the only breadwinner. Didn't probably do the best job but I tried, at times I'd come home to him not in a good state. He found a new job in his old career, throughout this period and suddenly felt amazing, got off the medication. Last week after he saw his psychiatrist (who he sees weekly) and has decided that I have a lot of problems and that I contribute to his stress and anxiety. He shuts me out, he has been far from loving, more critical and angry. Mind you, he's been very productive, doing all these tasks at home, and he says he feels amazing. He has had outbursts of anger with me and the kids. I get our marriage isn't perfect and I'm not, but I'm wondering is it me or him or his mental state. I'm thoroughly confused, just devastated and exhausted. I love him and want the best for us. Any advice? Is this bipolar?

[blondguy]

Hello MC8

Welcome to the Beyond Blue Community and thankyou for posting too!

You have some very good points of interest here. You seem to be 'holding everything' together so to speak and if I may congratulate you on having the courage to do so. I am sorry that you have been at the receiving end of some anger at related outbursts.

If I may ask you..did your husband or the psychiatrist decide that you have many problems and are contributing to your husbands' stress and anxiety?

I am sad that he shuts you out...his main support person 2nd to the doctor. When a person wants to be well they will help themselves get better by accepting all the help they can get especially from their partner.

No marriage is perfect...however you do seem to keeping everything together...and sure you aren't perfect but...you have taken great courage to post here which means to me that you are the one looking after the family unit and good on you for doing so.

I have had severe anxiety attacks that started in the mid '80s and took many years of therapy and meds to recover from the bulk of it. Your husband was smart to get the help he needed by seeing a doctor frequently and get himself on meds...so that is good news. I am sad that he thought it was okay to go off them...just my very humble opinion but not a good idea...despite him feeling 'amazing' ...'Amazing' is a worry as it is very Bipolar in the way you describe it...seriously.

If I may ask you MC8...have you actually been invited to sit in with your husband and his doctor? I have read your post a few times now and there is one sentence that really worries me...and if I may quote you....

"Last week after he saw his psychiatrist (who he sees weekly) and has
decided that I have a lot of problems and that I contribute to his
stress and anxiety"

I dont mean to be judgemental in anyway but blaming or 'suggesting you are responsible is a cop out' Its not on.

Bipolar is common and the people that I know who suffer from it also see a psychiatrist weekly....It does sound like Bi-Polar MC8 but only you can hear that from your husband's doctor. Even with many years of anxiety I dont feel 'amazing' .....I feel good...but there are no huge 'highs'

You have great strength and posting you have shown the love you have for your family. I also understand that he is a responsible and very productive husband which is always a huge plus.

Please write back as many times as you wish

My Kindest Thoughts

Paulx

[mc8]

Thank you for your reply, I agree with you and I do need to see his psychiatrist. I believe I need to work with him to get the best outcome. I'm trying to juggle and that one thing is something I need to be on top of of. He doesn't believe his diagnosis has anything to do with his opinion of me and what he believes to be true. He is a very charming and charismatic man and no one would believe he'd be wrong and he's very good at arguing the point. When he got the diagnosis, the penny dropped for me...but thank you again I am feeling alone in my thoughts as to what is going on and I'll see my gp to get a referral to a psychologist to get help for myself. I think I need all the help that I can.

[blondguy]

Hi again MC8

Thankyou for posting back.....You did mention the 'perfectionist' early in your first post. That word really has some issues as being a perfectionist just means you have a longer way to fall when a plan doesnt come together.

I am/have been in senior management in corporate Australia for nearly 3 decades and now understand that being a perfectionist comes with a very high price tag...so to speak.

I have been told that I am very charming and charismatic which is a nice persona to have but my anxiety attacks have made me realize that 'pride is a poor substitute for intelligence'.....just for me of course.

By posting you are the realist and the productive parent who is trying so very hard to keep the foundations solid...Not that it means very much but even reading in between the lines I think you are doing an exemplary job of holding everything together...The Bipolar seems to be a real issue here....

You are an intelligent and well articulated self aware person who really has nothing to be blamed for unless someone is in denial. (I do apologise if I am too blunt....Its only my humble opinion with all respect MC8)

Here for you if you choose to post mc.

The heartfelt care and effort you show for your family by posting speaks volumes...besides having the normal ups and downs in a marriage I admire your pro-active mindset

Here if you need anything....

My Kindest Thoughts for you

Paulx