Husband reluctant to get help and I'm no longer happy

[loving_but_lost]

Hi,

My husband was diagnosed with extreme severe depression, extreme severe anxiety and severe stress 2 years ago. Since then he has seen a psychologist 6 times, which was in the first couple of months after being diagnosed, and only periodically takes his antidepressants. 

He is reluctant to find and see a new psychologist or a dr to continue treatment, he believes he can do it himself. We have 2 small daughters under 6 and all they see of their dad is a stressed out, tired man who plays the PlayStation constantly and doesn't pick up after himself. 

We have had numerous conversations about how it's the illness and it's not him. How the illness is effecting us all and how he can fix it. But he won't. I don't know why.

I see a psychologist myself originally for PND but now it's just to cope as a carer, but I feel I'm slowly losing hope.

We've not been sexually intimate for months, that's what he says he wants so that he can feel that we're ok, but due to our lives now not what it used to be I'm not feeling as attracted to him as I once was.

I'm finding myself turning to mimicking him and his withdrawals to see if he notices the housework not being done and the kids running wild, it's not working. I feel guilty for not keeping a lovely home, which is what I've always done, and I feel heartbroken for our daughters.

I want to talk to him about the way I feel, which is unhappy, unappreciated, helpless, lost and lonely.

I have made and taken him to numerous appointments, he doesn't want me to do it any more. He gets angered when I check if he's had his medication, and he won't listen to his mother. 

I really don't know how much more I can take, especially for my girls. 

He used to be a cutter and suicidal and I'm terrified if I even mention a break that we will lose him.

I love him, his daughters love him, what can I do to help him seek the help he needs to get back to his healthy happy self.

Thank you for listening to my ramblings.

Much love x

[blondguy]

Hi Loving and Welcome

I am sorry that your husband is blind to the pain he is causing your family. I read this "only periodically takes his antidepressants" Not really very productive where healing himself is concerned. You also mentioned that he was diagnosed 2 years ago and seen his therapist only 6 times....I have had the severe anxiety for 25 years which did decrease and eventually dissipated. I had a GP or a therapist ever month for the first 3 years and then every two months for about 15 years. I wanted to help myself.

His condition is the same as any physical problem/illness. The medication and therapy are crucial for him to heal. His whole attitude is so far in the negative there may be little you can do to assist him.

Two years is not a long period of time and his symptoms are still 'fresh' and require treatment now as to prevent them exacerbating further. He is actually compounding his problems by his inaction.

Has your husband broken down into tears in front of a therapist? Thats a huge step forward and easier after that.

Your husbands health is important, no worries. Yours is more important right know as you can only try so much to headbutt yourself with a person that refuses to help himself heal.

To enable some weight to be taken off your shoulders can you set up a regular appointment with your GP? (or therapist) so you can share the 'burden' of your husbands deep pit of despair that he seems to be stuck in?

This will also help your children as well if you are being given some regular back up. Especially if you are comfortable with your GP.

We are here for you Loving. Your heart is kind and you have great courage.

It would be great if you could get back and let us know how you are going

You havent rambled here. You have articulated your situation very well 🙂

Kind Thoughts for you

Paul

[Freemilly]

Hi loving-but-lost

Thank you for telling your story. Finding help for yourself is the best start.

I'm new here, I'm not sure I have any suggestion s for you but you are not alone even if it feels like it. Please keep true to you. I am happy to talk anytime.

I am in a similar situation. I've been with my husband for 9 years, we have a 7 year old daughter, he has had depression and been on medication the entire time I've known him. He categorically will NOT seek help from a professional other than meds. He still doesn't sleep well (we sleep in different rooms) we haven't had sex since our daughter was born, he is always negative about everything and hard to motivate to do anything at all. He is moody. He rarely leaves the house. He is a stay at home dad. I have tried everything I can think of to be supportive. I don't pressure him. I am grinding myself into the ground to make life easier and better for him. But I've lost me along the way.

I work to support us, I find I'm really struggling to cope the last few years. I work, come home and cook and clean. He doesn't bath daughter, do cooking/laundry/do homework with daughter. I becoming resentful, tired and I want it to end. I dont have any time to care for me. I love him and I'm there for him but he doesn't seem to care that its affecting me. He knows it is but...

I find it increasingly hard to talk to him because he's either not listening or it turns into an argument. He said I belittled him in front of my workmate when I took her to the airport, but when I asked her what she thought, she had no idea what I could've said to imply this.

My work is struggling, I've lost interest in life, I've lost contact with a lot of people. I don't know what to do. 

Sorry for the downer. XXX

You aren't alone.

[White_Rose]

Dear Loving

Hello, glad to have you here. Thank you for telling us about yourself. I can see it's been quite hard for you for the past couple of years. So what is he doing to cure himself? Does he really think he can manage his own treatment or is he afraid to admit he has a mental illness? Without wishing to sound sexist, I must say this is a very typical male attitude. Women are are far more likely to look for help with any illness, mental or physical, than men. There are stats but I cannot remember them. Just that it is a significant difference.

I presume your psychologist is helping you at the moment. Do you think this is helping you? I keep asking you questions which sounds intrusive but it helps to know some background information. How much do you know about depression? BB has a range of information on the topic. Click on Get Support or Get Help at the top of the page and explore from there. If you give him some of the material, will he read it? I wonder if it would help him accept he is unwell.

Would help to get him on to the BB web site and look at Davo's Man Therapy. See the tabs under the Banner heading. Is there a men's shed organisation near you. This is a place men get together to make 'stuff'. One of the reasons is that men talk to each other in a situation that allows to them to relax and be blokes together. I understand it is quite successful. You can search online to find a shed near you.

One of the biggest problems with depression is the complete fog that surrounds you. With the best will in the world I suspect your husband does not or cannot see what is happening around you. And that is really the problem. I have one suggestion for you. Contact your local mental health team and ask them to come to your home and assess him. They may decide he needs to go to hospital. Are you looking horrified at the thought.

I am quite serious about this. For two years you have tip toed around trying to help your husband to get well. You say he used to self harm and you are afraid he may try suicide if you try too hard to get him well. These actions alone are very serious. The effect on you and your daughters, even though they are young, is also serious. If he will not get help you need to do something more active.

I suggest you have a chat to your GP first. I am presuming your GP was the person who diagnosed him. But even if not, he/she can help you with a referral to the mental health team. Has you psych mentioned this? Please consider this carefully.

Mary

[MyAngelCourtney]

Hi Hun, 

My life is so so similar hey!! I have depression, my hubby has depression and PTSD, my 13 year old son has separation anxiety, my 15 year old has anxiety and PTSD, and my youngest has PTSD. What a great household we live in. My eldest daughter Courtney committed suicide in 2012 my hubby found her 😞 that's why he has depression and PTSD plus he suffers from rheumatoid arthritis in his feet and can barely walk. So he isn't able to work and is on the pension. He has been admitted into the mental health ward three times between November 2014 and May 2015 almost killing himself whilst in the hospital. 

He has never recovered from finding my daughter. His flashbacks are constant. I was basically caring for him day in day out. I would make my kids sit silently if hubby was sleeping. We have split up several times now, and when I've had enough and tell him again, he gets really upset which causes him to become suicidal. Hence why I'm still with him. Totally wrong reasons I know but I just keep the peace. We haven't been intimate for about a year now and I'm not interested anymore. 

My daughter loves when I hope in her bed because hubby and I have been fighting. Our fights build up and it just projects like a volcano!!!!! I just don't have the energy anymore. My kids need me more then ever now. My daughters disclosed to me Abuse they endured years ago hence why she is on medications for her flashbacks and anxiety attacks. My kids need me

morw then ever so my marriage is on the back burner. The worst thing I ever did was buy him a ps4 cuz he's forever playing that or sleeping!!!!! 

We have recently relocated to WA and finding our feet but I feel so lonely. 

Grrrrrrrr men!!! 

[MyAngelCourtney]

Reading your story was like reading the life I'm living now. How spooky to know how similar our lives are!!!

he won't seek out a psychologist now that we've moved not that he saw one more then twice in the last 3 yrs!!!!

[Whatsnext1]

Wow.... Posted on here for the first time yesterday. Now I find so many others going through the same thing. Far out!

Bless your heart for getting this far x

No idea what advice to give, as I'm stuffed by my situation..... But sending love and support x x x