Hi TAL
Your son is so blessed to have you as one of his guides and supports in life. I believe it's so important that every guide has a guide of their own, especially for the times where they need to gain a sense of greater understanding and direction. As a mum (to a 22yo daughter and 19yo son), there are times where I've said to my kids 'I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing at times when it comes to parenting. Sometimes we're going to be challenged to work things out together, as we go along. If we need to find someone to help us on occasion, so be it'. This often relates to first time challenges. Whether it's the first time we've ever had to seriously guide our child through the challenges of ADHD or guide them through some sense of major reform, it's going to be a learn as you go experience for everyone involved.
Tony touches on whether you think it's enough to act as a long distance support and guide or whether there's a need for your son to return to being a little more closer to home. The question could be 'Can I give him what he needs from some distance away, from a more local distance or directly from home with me?'. I suppose it depends on his needs and whether you can fill those needs. I've seen things work for different people in different ways, from people who've developed independently with part time assistance through to people who have been supported in house (in the same house as their guide) where a 'tough love' regime of structured discipline/good habits was exactly what they required to be able to walk away with greater life skills and self understanding.
Not easy to raise someone who faces a lot of the challenges that can come with ADHD, something my daughter faces. Dopamine, for a start, can be something that needs to be specifically and strategically managed in so many ways. Whether it involves not having enough of it (dopamine deficiency), having to manage the habits and addictions that lead to satisfying hits of it or developing new ways of generating that natural chemistry, the challenges are plenty. When the shine wears off the shiny new exciting habits, how to manage from that point onward can be a challenge. Chasing the highs or going from one thing to another, while not being able to stick with what feels 'boring', becomes understandable. It's my daughter's partner of 3 years who helps her manage mostly. With him being an extremely supportive, loving, patient and self disciplined person, he understands the benefits of self discipline and the need for constant and conscious reform (things that have served him over the years in the way of his own personal development). As I say, so many challenges for some who struggles with ADHD, including emotional management and developing a solid sense of structure to work with that doesn't feel stressful and/or depressing. Btw, inner dialogue can be another of the many challenges.
