End of my tether with my parents

[AlliS]

Hi, let me start off by saying I'm usually very good. Patient and understanding, assertive when I have to be, but as soon as a negative event comes along, my parents lose it. This time they've lost it massively and I am bearing the brunt.

My dad is an angry alcoholic, mum is very depressed. She got a couple of warnings for losing a key at work (3 and you're out, and we know they're trying to cut down on staff so they're looking for any excuse), now dad is screaming about taking them to court snd mum is crying about how no one will want to hire a 50something yo woman with a funny accent.

We've been here before. I've given up with my dad, we tried everything. All we can do now is talk him down for a short time. I'm trying harder with mum because I know she's able to listen, but that is seeming less and less the case. I've helped her practically with resumes and pep talks, I've played therapist - encouraged her to get involved in the community, ve physically active, reframed situations. I've encouraged her to get help. Each time there's a reason she can't. "Oh I can't afford it", "Oh I can't express myself properly in English", "Oh what's the point, I'm old and going to die soon anyway".

She's not suicidal, I should add. But they both need hand holding. I'm an adult. I have a full time job with a lot of overtime. When I'm home I just want to relax or spend time with friends who aren't miserable.That's not selfish. I could move into a rental but then I'd never buy my own home, and they need a lot of financial support (mum only really gets one day a week and dad's income covers the mortgage and food, so my board is the bills).

Dad's screaming stresses me out. Seeing mum on the couch in front of the tv every stresses me out.I need to look after me, but I've been conditioned to feel guilty about that because every time I turn them down they start on what a bad daughter I am. I'm certainly not (but to them, it's only when I behave). I've developed a lot of resentment towards them because of the impact their illnesses have on me, and the fact that they're okay with that.

Any advice is welcome. What do I do? If anything.

[Ken1]

Hi AlliS,

You really don't deserve to be taking the blame for things and I think you mention that you're aware of that which is good.

Sounds like a really hard situation in general with no easy answer. Your parents seem to be in a lot of pain and there's only so much you can do to alleviate that.

Is it possible you could have a conversation with your Mum about how you want to be there for both of them but don't know how to help because they won't get outside help/nothing really seems to be getting better? Not sure what else to offer for you to say, but basically is there a way you can share some of what you've said in a way that they can't turn back on you, claiming you're a bad daughter?

I definitely think it's important for your wellbeing to develop a plan to move out or at least get some space as you say moving out isn't really an option. Also, have you considered seeing a therapist? It seems like you have some pent up emotions that may hold onto you in years to come. A therapist may also be able to help you come to a solution that people on these forums aren't able to.

I hope some of that is helpful!

Bonnie

[Peaches07]

Hello AlliS

After reading this I feel that you should know that you are not alone. i too have always tried to fix my parents problems and have occasionally been made to feel bad when I've told them that I didn't want to know about it anymore. Purely because my suggestions got pushed aside and I felt that if they weren't gonna try then I didn't want to know about it anymore. I know what it is to feel like your the parent and they are the children sometimes. They don't see how draining and exhausting it is on us and how upsetting it can be. What helped me is when I moved out of home but before that when my parents fought I would go for a drive or shut myself in my room. But pretty much just had to ride it out until move out date. What I feel I have learnt in my life is that you can't always fix things/people. Is that they will only get help if they want help and you can't force them. And that you have to try and not take things on board too much. You can listen but try not to let what's happening to them get you down. I know it's easier said than done but you just gotta practice.

Maybe try some relaxation therapy or something like that. It may help keep your stress levels down and give you some zone out time.

Hope that helped a little.

And good on you for posting.

Cheers