Don't know what to do I think my husband has depression?

Sick_of_crying · ‎31-12-2015

Hello

this is all new to me but I have no idea where to start for help, I have been with my husband for 25yrs but for the past yr he's changed not for the better. He gets very angry and very secluded , he just sits in his shed and watches tv. Our children have grown up they are 17/19 the 19yr old is still at home they have always been close but that's even changed. He just gets so mad and nasty for no reason it can be the tiniest thing that will set him off , we changed jobs 2yrs ago as he had enough of 10yrs of shift work now he has a casual job that is still shift work but he chose this job , I don't know what to do he was unhappy in last job now unhappy in this one , the kids make comments that he's grumpy , he has all his toys that men want as well as more I'm not a demanding wife I am very laid back no stress I work 3 jobs to help keep us in a good life but seems to be that's can't make him happy! When I ask him what's wrong he says nothing but there is something wrong I know after 25yrs something isn't right . He has issues with his family that run deep but I don't know how to help him part from be here for his good days but I have been crying for 4 days and my life is now turning into walking on egg shells wondering what I will do to turn him cranky,

pipsy · ‎31-12-2015

Dear Guest. I'm wondering how often he sees his family (parents, siblings). You say he quit his job 2 years ago after 10 years shift work. It was his decision to change jobs, no pressure from you. Was there pressure at work to make him stop? He's not a happy person, that's for sure. He spends all his time watching t.v. That's not healthy. Unfortunately, till he's ready to talk to you, there's not much you can do. I think the only thing you can do is keep on with your life as much as you can. If he won't see a Dr, or discuss anything with you, there's really not a lot else you can do. I would do my best to keep the kids away, tell them dad's not well. Perhaps he's physically unwell and doesn't know how to tell you. Are his parents alright? Try and not be around him too much, a big call as you live with him. Be there for him, when he's ready to talk, but don't push him. I really feel it for you, you're in an awkward situation. If he's physically unwell, this could make him feel angry for not being able to look after you. Is he drinking or using drugs that you know of. Sorry to ask you that, but if he's using drugs and combining it with alcohol, this would cause some serious problems with personality. Basically, you're just going to have to 'back off', till he's ready. In the meantime, spend time with your kids, enjoy being with them.

BB is here if you need to vent, which you will. Perhaps if you wrote a letter to him, telling him you're worried. Leave the letter where he'll be sure to see it. Don't say anything, let him do the talking. If he reads the letter and tells you you're being 'foolish', there's not much more you can do. Don't tell him you feel you're walking on eggshells, just tell him you're worried, let him know you're there. Leave it at that.

Take care of yourself.

Guest_1055 · ‎31-12-2015

Hello

You do sound bewildered, and I guess a bit alone and shut out from your husband's world. I'm so sorry. I can see you are concerned for him and want to help. I could be wrong about this but I was wondering if he might feel useless, because you are the one working the 3 jobs. And he might feel like a failure. I am not sure how one would help someone like that though....

There is resources here on this site that you can download. You might find something useful....

Well I will just give you a hug anyway.

Shelley xx

Sick_of_crying · ‎01-01-2016

Hey pipsy, thanks for caring enough to reply I have don't the letter he still says nothing , work well that was 8 yrs of ok then the last 2yrs was a lot of stress and workplace bullying so it was best to leave , I supported him in all the choices I never said anything I just go with the flow that's me. The 3 jobs keep me busy as now I don't have kids to run after and committees etc to be involved in so the jobs keep me active , I feel like I'm giving up on him if I leave him to do this on his own but he's not giving me a choice really. He doesn't see a lot of his parents they don't know any of this I don't know whether to tell them as it might make life worse. My son and I brought him a dog to see if he could bond with the dog to replace one that died 3yrs ago but as of sat the dog we got him is being rehomed as he hates him and he's a trigger that sets him off so I have no idea , I feel bad if I go on with my life and leave him at home I feel guilty like I should be as miserable as he is instead of being happy and enjoying my life. I really just don't know am thinking I might need to go speak to someone fix me first so I can help him

Sick_of_crying · ‎01-01-2016

Thanks for replying Shelley if I don't work the 3 jobs we will loose our house we have gone from a large income to 1/2 the income we are used to but that's fine we survive and I make sure everyone has what they need and want so I have no idea really what the problem is

pipsy · ‎01-01-2016

Hi Sick of crying. Workplace bullying is pretty rife these days, as is schoolyard bullying. I wouldn't say anything to his parents at all, that's his call. He would probably get very angry if you tell them. I think you're going to have to leave him to deal with his situation, till he's ready to accept whatever help you or anybody else can give him. Don't take on his emotions as that will only make you ill. You need to take care of yourself. It's commendable that you care so much, but if you just let him know you're there for him, that's really all you can do. You can't force him to accept help if he doesn't want to. I think you need to be with people who can 'lift' you up. Perhaps being with positive type people, you could share your life with him, that way, he might decide that your life is better than the way he's feeling. If you go out with your friends, try sharing with him (if he wants to) what you did, where you went. Try not to take on the 'guilt' trip, that's counter-productive and won't help either of you. Until he's ready to talk to you or someone who can help him, there's not a lot you can do. As you said, he's 'shutting' you out, you can't force him to change, he has to want to. I would keep letting him know you love him and want to share your life with him, I think it's important that he knows that. Perhaps if you go out shopping (if you have the time), you could buy him a little gift. Something personal, that would mean something to him. Or even a little card to say 'I love you, and I'm there'. Just a thought.