Depressed partner

Rawwwkitty · ‎16-12-2015

Iv been with my partner close to 8yrs. When I met him his brother had just passed away. For the first 4yrs he was OK depressed but still got on with life. He then had our first son and since then he has gotten worse. He also works a high stress job that deals with death of babies to old people and it has affected him deeply. He knows his depressed but won't go to our GP and admit he needs so help and tried the councillor at work but that didn't help either. We now have a new born and when we found out I was pregnant with him my partner just got angry and pushed me and our 1st son away. He would work crazy hours and when he was home lock himself in our room or spend every day he had off with his friends. I had very bad morning sickness and a high risk pregnancy and he wasn't around so I move away with my mum. His calmed down a lot now but still had bursts of anger, can't handle his frustration and has started to get anxiety. I'm at a loss as to how to connect with him or help him. He isn't affectionate anymore and very rarely says he loves me. Where as before he used to be very loving and affectionate. I guess I need help for myself and help understanding him

Lori · ‎17-12-2015

Hi Rawwwkitty,

I am very sorry to hear about what your husband is going through and what affect it is having on you. It's awful to have to watch a loved one suffer from such a horrible illness.

Also sometimes being the main support for that person is always alot harder then actually living with the illness yourself. You seem to understanding and obvisly have tried to help him by suggestions you have given.

It's not good that he won't speak to his GP though because they can offer so much support and have so many options to get the help he needs. It's not fair how he is not being supportive towards you and is pushing you and your son away this all doesnt help with the job he has.... as you know.

I guess the best advice i could possibly give is that be as supportive as you can keep asking about seeking help.. and also i think you should be telling him how his actions are affecting you and your son, how it is making you feel and think, because you are just as important.

For yourself maybe it would be good for you to speak to a health professional just to realease what you are feeling and thinking inside and they will be able to give you great stragies to help you cope and also you could share these with your husband ? It is sad he doesn't want help but asking for help is quite daunting and i completely understand but it is so helpful.. hes just gotta make that first step.. but im thinking maybe if you took it first he might consider it ?

I do hope some of this is helpful and that you and your husband can sort this all out and that your life can go back to the way it was, but always remember to look after yourself aswell you are just as important and we care!

Please keep in contact let us know how you go and if you have anymore questions or need to vent we are here 24/7 to help you.

Stay strong!

- Lori 🙂

pipsy · ‎31-12-2015

Dear Rawwkitty. From where I'm standing, your husband sounds as though he's terrified in case something happens to you and he has to care for the children. He's had to deal with the loss of his brother (were they close)? Plus his job dealing with deaths of babies. Possibly offering comfort and support to the parents, that would 'burn' you out. It can be extremely wearing trying to explain why these babies died. Trying to support and explain to the parents, it wasn't their fault. I think the reason he won't go to a counsellor is because he doesn't fully understand the problem. He can't explain what he doesn't understand. Men are not equipped to deal with emotions, they don't know how to. They're raised being told 'boys don't cry', he probably feels if he 'gives in' to his emotions, he's being a 'sissy'. If you're able, I would write him a letter explaining that you're not going to think less of him if he 'breaks down'. He needs to know you still think of him as a 'man'. Somewhere, he's lost the ability to believe in himself, once you show him he's still the man you love, he may 'come back'. I would try including him (but not leaving him alone) in activities you and your kids are involved in. He pushed you away when you were pregnant the second time because he was probably afraid that if he allowed himself to 'get involved' and something happened, that would be another loss. Let him see for himself the kids are happy, healthy and contented, once he realizes he's not going to lose them, he may settle down and become the man you and I both know he is.

He needs reassurance he isn't going to lose his family.

Good luck.

bjames · ‎01-01-2016

Raww,

You have been given some great advice so far and I really do like Pipsy's idea of writing a letter.

As a male who has gone through 3 1/2 years of hell, I can understand the possible mindset of your husband. I too was VERY stubborn and reluctant to get help. Even though I was beginning to spiral, I refused to go to a doctor and the idea of speaking to someone was the last thing I wanted to do. It basically took for me to nearly be hospitalised (I really should have been) before I actually got some form of help. And that was in the form of just going to a GP and getting on some sort of medication which I really wished I had done 18 months prior.

From a male's perspective, the last thing we often want to be perceived as is "weak". I thought that no matter what was wrong with me, I would fight my way out of it without any form of help. I still absolutely refuse to speak to a "professional" but i must admit, the medication has really helped.

Just from my experience, it is vitally important that you don't push your husband too much. The more people pushed me, the more I pushed them away. If your husband is depressed, he may not want to share his feelings with anyone because he feels like you, or others may not understand. I had fights with my best friends over my situation and it was their lack of understanding that made me furious, so much so that I just isolated myself from all of my friends and the world because I felt no one understood. The only modicum of success people have had with me is when they have shown a level of understanding and actually accepted my condition.

So, from my experience, you need to tread very carefully in trying to get through to him. He knows you love him and want the best. I think a letter may help, together with a nice little gift with lots of love, even if it is a letter just to ask if you can hug him or being more involved with him. I think you still need to be careful with a letter if you just broach his depression. I think if you can get him just to open up a little from the letter, that is a good start. Maybe if you want him to get help, do it after he takes a few little steps first. Maybe if you can just get him to talk a little more and open up that could be a great start. I fear that he may get very defensive if your letter is primarily about getting help. But, from experience, don't push too hard and try to show you understand even if you feel frustrated and angry inside.

Bj