Help, i don't know what to do anymore ;-(

[drowning]

I have been married for 8 years and have 2 incredible daughters (2 and 6). My husband has always suffered from depression and about 5 years ago started medication. Even on medication he is often in such a dark place (but not as angry). Most days he doesn't get out of bed till after 3-4pm and then stays up really late till about 4am.

We never ever do anything as a family as he can't cope with the stress. He is insecure and even though when in good form he is an incredible human he has no friends of his own. He doest care about anything, he doesn't want to die but doesn't care to live aswell. His moods are so unpredictable and its very hard to plan anything as i end up doing them alone.

His communication is terrible and well our sex life is non existent, even before the medication  it was rare, i think we only had intercourse to get pregnant everything else is/was basic and very unconnected. I once asked him why we don't make love anymore and he didn't speak to me for a week.He sounds awful but he is beautiful, the kindest person i know, incredible generous, kids adore him (he prefers kids to adults) and out in public he is adored (he is a musician and very loved)

My issues is, i want a normal life and with him is is far from normal, no intimacy, many nights and days of no communication, bringing up the girls on my own, financially strained due to him sleeping most days, he rarely leaves the house. I think of leaving him every day, i worry if i did he will have no one, it has been about 6 years like this and  i feel unhappy and sometime question my love, but then he is good again and i realise i love him so much.

Is this my life, i am sad and constantly look at other couples and how normal they are, it she small things. Doing things as a family, not feeling alone, having intimacy. I wish he would leave me, that would be heartbreaking but i would cope and probably be happier in the long run but the thought of me leaving him kills me.;-(

[Jacko777]

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums, I am sorry to hear all this.

If you don't mind me asking, how often does your husband see a psychologist? I don't think it's right to just be put on antidepressants and then not have any therapy. If things are just staying the same with no improvement I think it's important to be trying new forms of therapy and new doctors and/or counsellors. He might need motivation to do this, it sounds like he is stuck thinking that this is as good at it gets but I hope it doesn't have to be that way.

You are allowed to want a 'normal' life, I guess you are already trying to motivate him to improve and I hope you can keep going. I hope this situation can be improved, it might be a journey for a while. Please ring the Beyond Blue phone service if you need more help, it's 24/7 and free and they can help you to feel better straight away and investigate what options there are for you to move forward. I wish I had more to offer, talk any time.

Jack x

It's a challenging situation you are in and you are certainly forgiven for thinking that separation might be an option. Try not to compare yourself to other couples, it's hard to tell what is going on with other relationships and it's better to focus on the positive things you do have as a family, nurture the positive parts.

[pipsy]

Dear drowning.  You and your hubby need G.P help NOW.  You said he's on meds, but not being monitored.  Meds can have some pretty devastating affects when they're not monitored.  They can affect your sex drive, sleep patterns, cause mood swings.  When you asked your hubby why no sex, he probably didn't answer because he doesn't understand, himself.  Jacko's absolutely right when he says your hubby needs to discuss with your G.P what's happening.  I would make an appointment (with or without your hubby) to see your G.P, tell him/her what's happening and possibly get to see a specialist.  Once your hubby is aware there's something wrong (and it's not him), he will probably relax more.  He probably thinks he's causing the problem, when he isn't.  I feel so sorry this has dragged on so long. 

Good luck.

[drowning]

Thanks for all your advice, both of you.

 At the very beginning he did see someone but he has a chemical imbalance and was told medication was really the only thing to help him. After many years of fighting going on them he finally agreed as he was going to loose me. Saying that yes i believe he should see someone but firstly financially we can afford it, we can barely afford weekly groceries. Secondly he won't go, he will make an appointment then not turn up, he rarely answers his phone and is very unreliable due to his heavy moods.

With regards to sex he is totally aware it is the medication but even before the medication it was never great, no connection and no intercourse. I can't talk to him as he totally shuts down.

Today my parents insisted we have a nice night out, most couples would die for that but i have to convince him and even though he said yes to please me he canceled last minute. So here i am in bed writing this ;-(

I am just lonely and sad, on the outside we are the dream couple and he puts on an amazing show but on the inside our relationship is weird, not normal, dark and heavy.

I am such a happy positive person, i relish family and friends but he is pulling me down.

[pipsy]

Dear drowning.  As I said previously, I would make an appointment to see your G.P.  If you are on any sort of pension, yes, you would qualify for medical aid.  Perhaps through your Dr you could see a specialist at the hospital.   I feel your husband's depression is what's keeping him in bed.  With regards to your physical relationship, with your husband's depression, this would not help.  Perhaps he feels he can't please you.  This is something only you and he can do something about.  Have you thought about contacting relationships Australia, they specialize in helping couples with the physical side.  Is he frightened at the thought of going out in crowds, if this is the case, he really needs help.   Agrophobia is a fear of open spaces, if he has this, he needs help from a specialist in this field.  Relationships Australia also help with communication problems. 

I hope you can get some help.  Maybe someone from BB can put you in touch with a counsellor who can help with getting your husband the help he needs.  Also you need reassurance that your marriage can be helped.  Try relationships Australia as well as BB's helpline.  It's a 24/7 helpline.

[geoff]

dear Drowning, I feel sorry well for the both of you, but probably more so for you because it's such a struggle to live with someone who has depression but doesn't want any further help, and won't try anything to try and get over their illness.

You can go to the doctor's and get 10 free visits to see a psychologist, on what's called a mental health plan, so if you go now before the end of 2015 then once again you are entitled to another 10 free visits to see the psychologist.

As getting in to see a psych can be difficult it doesn't matter because the doctor's letter will be dated 2015, even if you can't get in until February, this doesn't matter because 2016 has arrived, as each year anyone is entitled to 10 free visits.

Now if your husband refuses to go then it would be a good idea to see your doctor and get the 10 free visits, plus you could also ask about getting the 10 free visits for your husband if he changes his mind for this year only.

His medication sounds as though it needs to be reviewed by his doctor, because as Pipsy has said some antidepressants (AD) can stop any sexual stimulation, and I realise that your sexual life still wasn't good before, but this could be because of his hidden depression.

I do understand that your life is miserable, but you need to make a decision, because if you don't then the next few years are going to so awful for you and the girls, just as they are now, and because he won't do anything to help himself then, you won't be able to keep trying, you have given up on him, so perhaps tell him to leave the house and find somewhere else to live, sounds hard to do this, but it may shock him into getting help.

Someone in denial could mean that it takes twice as long before he will even begin to feel better, because not only do they have to get help with their depression but they also have to try and build the lost relationships with his family, and sometimes this can be done while other times it's a lost cause. Geoff. x

[Guest_1055]

Hello

I am sorry you are struggling so much, I long to be able to save you. Your chosen name "drowning" sounds like you are so so desperate.

I can see you love your hubby, and I am thinking your heart must be hurting a lot, and you want to feel like he loves you.I know what it feels like to not feel connected to someone you love, it hurts so much and it feels like you are alone and for me it feels like your heart breaks or something. So is that how it is for you?  I am truly sorry, and I can't offer any advice at all. But I can send you a hug, and hope you receive it.

With hugs

Shelley xx

[Guest_1055]

Hello

I am not sure if you will read this, but I wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you. And also I wanted to give you a hug.

Hope you are OK today....

Shelley xxx