Desperate Mum

Phoebe57 · ‎22-02-2021

Hi I'm mum of a nearly 36 son who suffers from anxiety and depression. He tells me he manages his feelings by drinking and gambling. Consequently he is in a huge amount of debt.
He goes to counselling fortnight at $190 per session and seems to really trust his counsellor, however, I feel he isn't making any progress.
I had been helping him financially for some time but since I have recently retired, couldn't see an end, so have withdrawn that support.
He has now threatened to quit his job and go on welfare so he doesn't have to service his debts.
He refuses to talk to me and will only communicate with texts as he says he can't bear to hear thw hurt and disappointment in my voice.
His father and I divorced about 10 years ago. His father also suffers from mental illness and alcoholism.
I want to be able to help, but I don't know how and while I can see how unwell he is, I feel that he is manipulating me.
I have a very supportive family who all want to help him but he's shut us all out and only approaches us for money.

Matchy69 · ‎22-02-2021

Hi Phoebe and I welcome you to the forums and making your first post.I am so sorry with the situation you are in with your son,that must really hurt.He is a grown adult and needs to be able stand on his own two feet.You did such a wonderful thing helping him out but if he is wasting money on alcohol and gambling you have every right to withdraw your financial support to him.It sounds like he is very angry with you for doing this and this would be so hard for you as I know how much you must love your son very much.Please be gentle on yourself and know you are doing the right thing.
Take care,
Mark.

sunnyl20 · ‎22-02-2021

Hi Phoebe57,

Welcome to the forums. I am really sorry to hear about what has been happening for you, I can't imagine how difficult it must be going through what you are experiencing. You sound like you are incredibly caring and have done everything that you can to support him and show him that you want to help, it must be painful to have him shut you out and/or manipulate you.

I think Matchy69 is right - you need to look after yourself and if this means that you cannot financially support him any longer for whatever reason then you need to do what is right for you. If/when your son gets to a point where he does want to change, he will know that you will be there when he is ready. Watching a loved one suffer any illness can be so painful, and leave you feeling really helpless, especially when that person appears to not want to help themselves. Would you be open to calling one of the various helplines available to talk through what has been happening? They may be able to offer you more support and guidance. There are a few out there including Family Drug Support Australia (available 24/7 on 1300 368 186, https://www.fds.org.au/), Counselling Online (see the website https://www.counsellingonline.org.au/ for your state-specific phoneline, or chat via webchat if you prefer), and the National Alcohol and Other Drug Hotline (available 24/7 on 1800 250 015).

Please do not hesitate to chat more if or when you feel like it. We are here to listen. Take care.

Phoebe57 · ‎14-03-2021

Bit of an update. Since I posted here, I have stepped back a bit. Obviously I'm still very concerned about him, but I have noticed a marked improvement in my own mental health. His brother's partner has given me my first grandchild who has been very successful in distracting me. My unwell son adores babies and I have offered to take him to see her, but he has made other plans to get there himself. I'm hoping this little bundle of joy will assist him with his recovery, give him a reason to strive to get well. I am feeling a bit more hopeful that things will improve, however, I've been here before and am tempering my hope.
By the way, thank you so much for taking the time to read of my plight and writing in support of me, it does make it easier to share. xx

Matchy69 · ‎14-03-2021

Phoebe thankyou for updating how things are going.Grand children are amazing and have new baby may be the new beginning for all of you.This baby will hopefully bring you all joy.I am glad you are saying your mental health has improved,well done to you and congratulaions on your first grandchild.
Take care,
Mark.

sunnyl20 · ‎14-03-2021

Hi Phoebe57,

Congratulations on your first grandchild, how wonderful. That is very exciting. It is great to hear that you have been able to give yourself a bit of space - it sounds like it has helped. Please reach out if and when you feel up to it.

Take care.