Depressed partner question

[VictoriaEC]

Hi guys
I know this subject comes up often but here i am with the same question for my own sake so sorry in advance. I broke up with my partner a couple of weeks ago due to his depression. I have known him for seven years and our friendship was very deep.

He had wanted to be with me for years but i always said no due to not wanting to potentially ruin a great friendship if things didn't work. Cut to a year later and i asked myself what i am doing? He is wonderful friend and perhaps this just might work. When i asked him if his feelings were still there and if he felt like pursuing something he was over joyed and for months things were perfect in our new relationship.

Suddenly within a week (4 months into relationship) he was acting different, his communication was very withdrawn compared to normal. He just seemed so different out of the blue. When i asked him what was up he said that every year he goes through a depression of about 2 weeks and it causes him to have doubt which he was associating to be with our relationship.

For a month I watched his depression consume him, he said it made everything feel 'grey' and after another week it had gotten worse and he had never known it to last this long but he acknowledged i was not the cause of it and neither was our relationship.

For 2.5 more months i kept going, everyday i would call or msg him to let him know how wonderful he was and that he was not alone. Even though i would hardly get a response and his affection and reliability disappeared i still pursued to hold his hand through this illness. After another few weeks i didn't recognise him, he had changed so much and finally he told me that he thought we worked better as friends.

Obviously i was gutted, despite knowing that i couldn't cure him i thought i could at least help him till he came out the other side.
I know that he is now seeing a psychologist and is open to medication (he was on medication 10 years ago but went off them because he was actually doing ok for a long time until now).

I asked him to not contact me until he thinks he is in a better place because i also need to heal.
He said he would respect that but would like to sit down and have a conversation when he feels he is in that place.

I guess want i'm asking is that do you think when he recovers his feelings will come back? I care about him deeply and I hope he can in someway recover to be the beautiful person i know he was only last year.
Im just looking for hope guys, vic

[Apollo_Black]

I don't know Vic. Your relationship sounds a little complex and understandably you're wanting to know if things can get back on track.

So during that seven years did you notice him going through this cyclical depression? But it only usually lasted for two weeks, but this time it's lasted for months? And he initiatally thought it was because of your relationship but has since denied this?

This may well be irrelevant but the fact he wanted a relationship for years and you didn't, and then you did - may mean something who knows. Maybe now he has you it didn't work for him like he thought it would. Maybe the onset of his depression has changed him and he needs treatment. Like you said, regardless you can't do much but offer your support so long as he is seeking help from a professional.

If he's not wanting contact then I'd leave it at that. Perhaps you can rekindle that friendship you once had - if you feel that could ever happen. I've always been a little cautious of long term platonic friendships that turn romantic. The fact it has broken down more than likely represents that it wasn't meant to be. Take time for yourself now and if possible a friendship is still there once he feels better

[VictoriaEC]

Hi Apollo

Thanks for getting back to me. So now that i have seen him depressed i do now see signs of this depression throughout the time i have known him - but at the time i didnt realise what it was.

I think what happened was that he thought being with someone he wanted to be be with for so long might actually block his depression and i think it did up until a few months later - cause obviously i couldn't block it forever.
Yes he said previously the depression had only been for a few weeks each year but this time it was going for much longer which has worried him and hence why he is now going to see a psychologist.

I am actually the one who asked for no contact until he is feeling better because i need to get myself back together. The last 2.5 months of supporting him to no avail has left me emotionally pretty dead and thats no fair on either of us.

I guess i'm just very understandably hurt and resentful of his sabotage of our friendship and relationship. I would have never endeavoured into a romantic relationship had he not said all the things he did going into it. You would have thought he would have proposed by now haha. Depression can really change a person and i guess im just looking for something to blame for what he has done to stop myself from hating him.

Only time can tell, but yeah im taking a lot of time for myself and im doing really well. Just sometimes i worry that he is worse and wont reach out for support even though he might want to. So im wondering if sending him a msg that says im still here if he needs is a good or bad thing to do?