Exhausted by this roller coaster - husband bpd

[Gatherer]

My husband has borderline personality disorder. Was diagnosed 9 years after we met. Was perfectly healthy before that.

9 years since diagnosis.. I am breadwinner, we have 4 kids. He can't/won't work. He doesn't spend any time with me. Is not interested in intimacy anymore. Fixates on stupid things and makes mountains out of molehills. He has tantrums, breaks things, drops things, binge drinks often....

im lonely. I love him. I'm sick of feeling rejected. I can't do anything right.

I still don't understand what happened to the man I fell in love with, married, and made 4 kids with......

im devastated. I'm exhausted. 😔

[white knight]

Hi Gatherer, welcome

My heart goes out to you on this topic.

Briefly my now elderly estranged mother is undiagnosed BPD likely I believe to a chronic level. At least your husband has a diagnosis.

And from the symptoms you've listed its "on the money" accurate in terms of what some do with their behavior.

You are the worker, mum of 4, or maybe 5?. You believe he has a capacity to work...but who looks after you?

This is relevant. My wife has depression, I have depression and bipolar 2. We assist each other. It works because our empathy is equal. We are a team.

In your case I believe, and its only my opinion. That if he was to work and create all the benefits of that, then the symptoms like fixations etc would be easier to bare?

the real problem might lie in some laziness along with boredom. Boredom festers things in the mind. Oh I wished my mother had a hobby when we kids were younger...by not having a passion her focus was on people and their faults in a vicious cycle.

Some time ago I wrote an article that might help you with his CAPACITY to do his bit for the household.

Google. Topic: who cares for the carer?- beyondblue

You need some pampering. Flogging a willing horse wont make him your friend.

family counselling might be your next step.

Tony WK

[Carmela]

Hi, and welcome to the forum. It sounds like you are confused, frustrated and lonely. It's a difficult road supporting a partner with any mental illness and what you are feeling is quite normal. From what you have posted, I believe it's time for him to hear how you feel in an environment that is conducive to making these conversations heard. Marriage counselling would be a great start. I would bring up the subject when his mood is right and in conditions where you both are relaxed (if possible).

I would also recommend you see a counsellor if he rejects the idea of marriage counselling. You need support as well. You cannot sustain your emotional and mental state in an environment that depletes you. If financial resources are strained being on one salary, Carers Australia and ARAFMI Australia offer free counselling for carers. Google to get a contact number for your state.

Can you reach out to family or friends when things get too much for you? It is important that you have an outlet to gain some clarity and perspective.

Beyondblue also has a useful resource for carers - http://resources.beyondblue.org.au/prism/file?token=BL/0445

All the best

Carmela

[Doolhof]

Hi Gatherer,

Welcome to the community here. My story is a little like yours, only we don't have children. Both my husband and I have mental health issues. My husband has not worked for 3 years now and I really don't think he wants to.

I work to support us both and do 90 per cent of the house work and gardening. Despite having back issues that make life quite painful.

There is no intimacy in our lives either and we now have separate bedrooms. He doesn't even like me to hold his hand or sit next to him on the lounge.

Try marriage counselling or counselling for yourself.

Have a chat with your Dr.

One thing I did was to start doing more things that I enjoyed, even if it was just going for a walk or catching up with girlfriends more.

I enjoy my arts and crafts so spend time doing that.

I have realised I can not change my husband. I don't feel like I can leave him either, so I make the most of what I have.

He does not beat me up, he helps with the accounts and does cook us dinner now. We have a lovely home and I have the ability to make myself feel content even though at times I am a long way off from that in reality.

Does your husband see a Dr himself for his mental health issues? Can he be encouraged to do some volunteer work to help with his self esteem if he is unable to partake in say part time paid work?

Could you plan a family a day out? Take the family on a picnic. Explore a national park. Go to the beach and make sand castles. Throw a ball around in a park. Create ways for the family to spend time together. Do something totally different.

See what happens!

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools