Depressed partner needs validation of strangers

Cazoli789 · ‎17-01-2017

Hi

My partner and i have been together for 5 years. I moved in about 2 years ago. Not long after I started getting suspicious of his behaviour with his phone. Mainly that it never left him. I decided to snoop and found that he had been messaging a woman through a game.

He assured me it was harmless and wouldn't happen again.

2 years on it has.

I confronted him and he uses his depression as the excuse. He needs validation that he is a nice person etc from strangers. He feels he doesn't get it from the real world. Except from me.

I have told him he needs to get some counselling and he has agreed.

I just don't know if i can trust him though. I suffer anxiety so maybe i am over thinking this??

Maybe not everyone thinks like me. But cheating is cheating in my book.

JessF · ‎17-01-2017

Hello Cazoli, I have a couple of thoughts on this.

1. You hit the nail on the head with "depression as the excuse". We see a lot of posts in here where depression or anxiety is pointed towards when it is a behavioural issue. This then becomes a smokescreen for addressing real issues in the relationship, which brings me to...

2. ...it sounds like there are some serious trust issues in your relationship. The fact that you felt you needed to go 'snooping' in the first place is a red flag for me, and then there is the labelling of 'cheating' behaviour which could well be perfectly innocent. I think the counselling may be good for the two of you together, as this is a behavioural issue which is affecting both of you, both his 'validation' behaviour and your reactions to it.

PatT · ‎17-01-2017

Hi Cazoli,

What exactly are in the messages? Are they suspicious or are they simply just chatting about games and having conversations with somebody with the other sex? Anxiety can be a big factor in how we perceive a situation and it has the ability to alter our perceptions often irrationally. He is willing to get help around it so that is a good sign. Have you considered getting some help around it yourself? It could reduce your anxiety and give you a second opinion on how to manage the situation and whether your worries are justified.

Pat.

pipsy · ‎17-01-2017

Hi Cazoli. I am concerned about the snooping because of the insecurity and suspicion of another woman being his partner in a game he plays. He has possibly had this game going with this particular partner the whole time you've known him and moving in means you have found out. Did he say whether she is in a relationship/married etc. I do question his withholding that from you. Trust and honesty go hand in hand and where there's lack of trust, there's no honesty. I sort of wonder about your definition of cheating, as everyone likes to know they have the right for female and male friends without being questioned as to whether there is more than friendship. I feel relationship counseling might benefit both of you so you can see where you are heading. He seems to have doubts about himself and this need for validation could become wearying for you.

Lynda

Cazoli789 · ‎18-01-2017

Hi Pat

Most of the messages had been deleted. Which makes me more suspicious.

I confronted him last night and whole he didn't admit the messages were anything but platonic, i think he now understands where my head goes to.

He has agreed to counselling and I've made an appointment for both of us.

Thank you

geoff · ‎18-01-2017

hello Cazoli, I'm sorry that this has happened and whether it's platonic or not doesn't mean anything, he is untrustworthy, I do wonder if he's just saying that they have been deleted because he won't give you access to his phone.
His reassurance they won't happen again is his word against yours, but how can you be sure, if it was me there is no way I would ever believe him and what he has to say.
Depression can be a useful excuse to try and get him out of trouble, and I don't believe he will go to many counseling sessions, if at all one of them.
Sorry but there is no way you can trust this chap, firstly you don't know where he is all day, and even if he does work, what's to say he takes a sicky from work without your knowledge, there are too many questionable doubts with him, I would never trust him at all.
If you still want to go to counseling it maybe a good idea, just to get you back on track. Geoff, x