Partner blaming me for him being miserable

[Fitzy123]

So I've been dating this guy for 7 months now and we live together, just before Christmas he started distancing himself and telling me how miserable he was due to his depression and how I wasn't giving him enough space. I started to let him do his own thing and put it down to only just living together and getting used to being around each other all the time. It got better but just over a week ago he told me I was making him miserable and he didn't want to be with me anymore and I was smothering him and being too needy, he decided to go stay with his parents for the week and have a break from me, which was fine. On the weekend he decided he wanted to work on our relationship and made me apologise for being needy so I did just to keep the peace.

Yesterday it was my day off work and I wanted to spend it with him and do something fun as I work most days, he was miserable all day and told me to leave him alone and said we don't get along, we don't have anything in common and I hate him? I asked where he got the fact that I hate him from and he said because I do and everybody hates him.'

he's very unhealthy, he eats lollies and lollies all day, never drinks water and gets drunk most nights. I bought him an exercise bike for Christmas because he mentioned he wanted to exercise to make himself feel better, but of course he hasn't used it once. I told him he should see somebody and eat healthier and it might make him feel better, he responded with "you hate me, you think im fat, you eat unhealthy too" He keeps blaming me for everything and says its our relationship that makes him miserable but I know out relationship is normally great and I can't be any more of a better girlfriend... He is in a band and is on tour most of the year so he doesn't have a job when he is home., He sits inside and mopes all day or gets drunk.

I don't want to end the relationship but he refuses to get help. When we first got together he said his last relationships ended because he was always grumpy, and the girls were needy and insecure... I feel like this is just the same and he's going to ruin another relationship because he refuses to get help. I'm at such a loss with what to do. I love him, but I can't deal with this much longer., I'm a very confident outgoing social person and have never had to witness any of this before. How do I try to get him help without him thinking its a personal attack on him????

[JessF]

Hello Fitzy123,
I'm sorry you're in such a horrible situation. It is not an uncommon one to read on these forums, although the behaviour you're describing seems particularly selfish and destructive.
Despite our best intentions, it is not possible to make someone seek help who doesn't want to. And it is also not our responsibility to make someone do so. You say he has appeared to exhibit the same behaviour patterns in his past relationships; well, this to me is not a sign for you to dig in further and be the one to "break the cycle", it's a sign for you to run for the hills before you waste any more of your love on someone who is not capable of receiving it. I might suggest differently if you had been together for a long time, but relationships that are on the rocks after only 7 months are not destined to last.
You mentioned in your post that your relationship is "normally great", but I see no evidence of this in your post. I see a man who is selfish, emotionally distant, drunk, unappreciative, and blaming you for his faults, as you say in the title of your post.
Why is his wellbeing more important than yours?

[Fitzy123]

Hi JessF,

Thanks heaps for your advice. I've received similar advice from family and friends saying I should be getting out of it now before it's too late. It's always easier said than done of course.

At the very start of the relationship he was amazing, always making an effort and being super supportive of what I do, I was very happy being single and he convinced me to be in a relationship cause I thought he could be the one!! This is the longest time he has been home and not on tour with the band so I understand that is probably quite frustrating being in the one place for so long, but he complains when he's on tour, and complains when he's home. I can't win!

[geoff]

hi Fitzy, you have to remember that at the beginning of any relationship you're on cloud 9, nothing seems to go wrong or if it does then you either give in or an agreement can be made without any fuzz, no arguments always tyring to please the other person.
Well your situation is no different and it only takes a little while until the real person starts to surface.
This is what is happening with you now, cloud 9 has gone and he feels as though he can treat you as he wants to, his track record hasn't been good and it's not going to be until he gets the help he needs, but why would he because he gets drunk every night.
Love is such a strange word because people say they love someone even though they are being mistreated, whether this word can be transferred over to feeling a care for him, which can be read as being in love, but in actual fact I don't believe that it is.
Nothing will get any better with him, he won't want anybody to help him, except to get another beer out of the frig for him, this relationship is doomed, sorry, but you have to move away or tell him to go and begin a life that you truly would love to have. Geoff.x