Depressed mother, aging/elderly father...help please

[JaneE]

My mother has suffered from severe depression for many, many years. She has gone through numerous ECT's, institutions, Psychiatrists and every drug around. The ECT'S have erased almost all of her memory of our childhood, overseas holidays and pretty much every good memory she had of her life. She has attempted suicide 8 times in as many years . My dad had to retire early so that he could stay home with her and be her guardian angel. He loves her and would do everything in his power to ensure she does not take her life even if its the only thing she wants everyday. Anyway, dad is now suffering from Parkinson's disease and is aging rapidly. He is 14 years senior to mum which doesn't help. Last week dad experience an episode of unconsciousness followed by confusion and weakness but because mum was so out of it on her anti depressants she couldn't even think to call the ambulance and eventually after 1 hr called me. I called the ambulance straight away and went over there. The ambo's were concerned for mum as she was almost comatosed and advised me to take her somewhere someone could watch her whilst I followed dad to the hospital. Dad is now being monitored and has been told he needs to take more care of himself but we know he won't because he cares full time for mum. We think dad only has a few years left. We (the children) are extremely concerned about them. Mum refuses to move into assisted living and becomes very difficult when I bring up getting a cleaner, using meals on wheels etc to help them (dad) out with activities of daily living. I have offered to bring meals over and help with the cleaning and mowing etc but they refuse saying they would be a burden. We really don't know of there is anything we can do or who to ask. I have organised for dad to have an ACAT assessment this week. Mums illness has made her become very selfish, lazy and almost childlike and dad won't go against whatever she says in fear that she will suicide. Can anyone give us some helpful advice? If dad has a fall or suddenly becomes ill we can't rely on mum to make the right or speedy choices she needs to. We feel lost and worried. 

[Chris_B]

Hi Jane,

What a really difficult position to be in, having to weigh up the wellbeing of both your parents.  

Arranging for the ACAT assessment is a good step, make sure you talk to the team and make them fully aware of the history and everything that has been going on.  Would it be possible for both of your parents to go into assisted living, so they can still be together but have professional care available that will suit both their needs?

best
CB

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[Pixie15]

Hi JaneE,

It is difficult with aging parents. I believe Lifeline have a wearable alarm. This might be a useful service for your dad for call for help himself if the need arises. Best wishes, Mulberry.