Depressed husband wanting to leave his family

[Katie]

Hi,

My husband has had depression for over 8yrs, during that time he has felt better stopped his tablets several times, spiralled back into the black hole of depression. At these moments he questions if he wants to be married, suggesting that he would prefer to be by himself somewhere. Once back on tablets he feels better and is 'happier' with life.

This time he is still taking his tablets but having notable mood swings, feeling flat and wanting to end our marriage and then feeling ok and trying to work things out. Communication with him is almost zero. He hates the word 'depression' and doesn't want to talk about it, preferring to try and ignore the problem.

We have been married for 20yrs with 3 kids  and usually get along well. with this latest episode of depression I am seen as the enemy and the cause of his depression.  He feels if he leaves our family to live by himself he will find happiness. I am worried that he is not thinking rationally and may regret his actions.

Guess I am not sure how I can help him, I just hope he can seek help and then make his decision with a clear head.

Just wondering if other people have experienced this sort of thing.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Katie,

My anticipation of your response being "That's not what I meant" seems very similar to your actual response of "each person's journey is different".  Just saying.

Adios, David.

PS  I did another post called "Brief guide to partners of depressive partners" which is in the Community Board section just cobbling together common questions.

[Kip]

Dear Katie and David..

I think it needs to be noted this is Katie's story and support page.

Katie has lived with a depressed husband for many years and is obviously just looking for some clarity and support through a very difficult time.

Katie's comments I believe come from a very supportive spouse who is trying to help and support her husband and keep her family together under really challenging circumstances. Trying to reason with the unreasonable!

David I believe you have missed the point!

Katie your story is shared by many of us ( see the post My Bipolar husband) you are not alone and you need support and encouragement ...you also have a right to this just as much (In my opinion even more but that is coming from a fellow long suffering spouse 😉 !!)  as your husband has the right to treatment,help and support if he would access it.

A wise friend said to me   "one day .....will apologise to you for the way he has treated you and hurtful things he has said but for now (until he has a degree of wellness) he is not able ".

Wishing you and your children all the very best.

Kind regards

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Kip,

I think these arguements about "missing the point" are a little bit sterile when treating yourself or you partner as "the enemy" is the logic.  Surely it is the depression that is in need of support or can be viewed as the enemy ?

There are moderators on the site.    Why attempt your own version of controlling a post ?   The site has to breathe with discussion to be an Online Forum.  If there is a "right" to support and encourage husband and wife then there is an equal "right" for long term depression sufferers like myself to add their experienced responses  and unearth any unrealistic expectations.    When I cross the line of tolerance my posts get disallowed.   So far, with this post, all I have done is disagree as I know that placing too much pressure on a depressed husband is the worst thing you could do.  Expecting an apology from someone that didn't chose to get ill seems very far fetched.  Like saying sorry to the car that knocked you down accidentally.

I'd say the point hit home. It's not all about the sufferer's partner.  It's just about depression.   As you say, something unreasonable.  What's new ?

Adios, David.

[Kip]

Hi David ...thanks for your post.

It is good to try and understand things from the depressed persons view so thank you for sharing.

I guess an apology from my husband could be viewed as perhaps unnecessary or unrealistic but it hurts so much. If words like that were shared between a couple (without the complication of depression added in) surely the first step to a reconciliation would be an apology but as you do point out its unrealistic in this setting, but it still hurts!

I think an apology or just an acknowledgement of my hurting would be enough to keep me going at times as well..

I guess that's what carers support is all about, getting that acknowledgement from a different source that yes the carer is hurting badly at times too! 

I think I really wanted to acknowledge Katie and her efforts without adding any additional hurt. Obviously Katie and I are both working hard to understand this illness or we wouldn't be here looking for answers.

I certainly didn't mean to offend you personally just wanted to support and offer some empathy to Katie from someone experiencing a very similar thing.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Kip & Katie,

The Depression Section has a bunch or Archives.   One thread in particular covered a lot of the depressed husband / blameless wife scenario.    You could check it out if you have time.

It's called "My Husband" and has over 100 posts.    From memory there were 3 wives involved, I did some responding with others, but it really ran for ages and covered a lot.  Including a split up.    The hurt and anguish over depressive husbands was done to the max !    I think at one point I mentioned it would be a real classic discussion to view in later years.

You are right about an apology needed if the situation has become physical.  Emotional abuse is pretty hard to get to grips with during mental illness but I think you're also right that the carer / carer's support needs to be acknowledged.

I still seek acknowledgement if I've cut the grass !  But for me it's a big deal cos I was shot in the leg last year.   Saved a friend from hanging himself and there were other problems.   His thanks was a bit misdirected, so to speak.  Just now and again it flares up, like depression.

Adios, David.

[geoff]

dear Katie, I'm so sorry that he has left you and the kids..

When I was depressed I wanted to leave and be by myself and go and stay in a caravan, I thought that this would be great, but my ex and sons said that all I wanted to do was to drink alcohol all day, this put a shockwave through me especially when my two sons said it, so I didn't go. I could have been dangerous if I had, and by saying this I am referring to your husband.

How true you are when you say 'depression is such a horrible thing, not only does the person with depression suffer but everyone close to them too'

It's certainly not the intention for us with depression for this to happen, it's just the way it turns out to be, but as David Charles has said ' we all have different ways of coping' and that's exactly right. My youngest son would go for long runs, and again from his comment '"each person's journey is different".

I am just concerned as to whether you know where your husband is, and whether he is taking his medication as well as seeing his doctor etc., and whether you have daily contact with him, or can talk to him at a moments notice. L Geoff. x

[kelly]

Ah, Katie. It's a good thing to vent. I can't imagine what you must be going through. It is tempting for lots of people with depression to go and hide under a rock. Somewhere in your husband's mind, he must know your strength. Even though his personal battle is immense, somewhere in there I bet he thinks you can manage without him. This may not be true, or helpful, but when I want to run off and hide, or worse, my husband's strength is always forefront in my mind. We've never experienced the blame game, to any significant degree, so I'm not sure this is relevant. Hope you're able to maintain your strength through these trying times.

[Queenie]

Hi Katie.  How have things turned out for you?  I am in a similar circumstance with my depressed husband recently leaving our home (because I asked him to because things were getting so bad.)  I hope you are coping and everything turned out for you both.

[flissa99]

Hi Katie

I wish you all the best, living with a partner with depression is very hard and sometimes very lonely, I find it also confusing as sometimes you cant get anything right.  living with this can be so hard on the caring partner and we sometimes forget to look after ourselves, at least take the time to get your strength back and I hope everything works out for you.

Jeanette