Husbands depression; how do I make him understand?

[The_Wife]

My husband and I have been married for 19 years, together for 25.   We have grown up together and seen many ups and downs and yet I still see boy I fell in love with all those years ago.  I feel he has suffered some form Of depression for at  least 17 of these years. Classic signs etc of sleep disturbances, lack of interest and motivation, weight gain, constant worry and on a few occasions, suicidal thoughts.  As much as I begged he refused help and treatment, he was in complete denial.  I knew this was a journey and that he had to realise it himself, and once he did we could get him help.  And so it came that in May this year he finally got so bad he HAD to seek help.  I was so relieved.  He's been on antidepressants and they've helped him immensely. I love him with all my heart and there is no intention on my part to leave the man I have shared my life with but I'm so tired.  It's been a life of constant arguing.  The waiting has meant I've been through a lot of horrible stuff. I find my husbands depression manifests itself in some really awful behaviour.  He is mean, argumentative and antagonistic and extremely arrogant.  At times he cannot be in the same room as me without trying to upset me. We cannot leave the house on a family outing without at least three of us being upset to the point of crying. Our relationship is about as bad as it has ever been and I want to try and make him understand the effect this is having on me and our family unit but I just can't find the words to make him see. He  sees all of this as me being awful to him.  I get told "you need to make some decisions.  Either stay or go. There's nothing wrong with me, you're just a bitch". He has zero relationship with our eldest daughter and says some awful things about her that he sees as throw away lines or completely justified. I couldn't even print some of the things he has said and done to me over the years. But I knew it was depression. All of his behaviour is justified, even threatening physical violence and he refuses to see its part of his depression which I think it is.  He has recently suffered another episode and the dr has diagnosed this; she is contemplating increasing his medication.  He has refused the psychologist and so I feel he is only being half treated. I am at my wits end, how on earth do you make someone understand that their behaviour IS part of the depression and that you will still love and support them but they just have to accept it.  I don't know if I can manage another 17 years to wait for the penny to drop on this aspect.

[GG57]

I understand what you are going through as I have been through it and it's still going on. I have been with my husband 35 years we have 3 children and amazingly they turned out great! My husband is ex military and never seeked help ever. I have suffered depression for the past 15 years and I am on medication. He has blamed me and verbally abused me but I never left because I loved him. So now that I am an empty nester and my kids are settled I have decided to live elsewhere to have a fresh start and become the person I know is in there. If he wants me I figure he will come but on my terms. If I had my time again I think I would have left but I was to scared to try and raise 3 kids alone as it is I did. Don't get me wrong my husband has always worked and been a very good provider but sometimes this isn't enough I just want to be free and happy again before I get too old to enjoy life myself!

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Wife,

My wife and myself had 3 months separation when manic induced abuse got too much for the family.   But then I knew I had a problem.   If only it were that easy with every mentally suffering husband.

Your situation is like BB.  When someone communicates and finally seeks  help and support they find that there are thousands in the same boat and that what they thought was too difficult to solve is actually invitingly easy.   All you need is, like you said, acceptance.  Being free would be a joint goal I assume.

Adios, David.

[The_Wife]

GG57; thank you for you reply.  Funny how it is echoing what I feel in my heart my future, sadly, will be. Providing for your family is one thing and like your husband mine has never faltered there.  But it DOES take more than that, it's NOT enough. I deserve  to be loved and supported and considered just as much as he is. I hope you find happiness. Take care.

[Pixie15]

Hi GG57,

From my understanding if you have stayed in an abusive relationship for many years, whether the cause is illness or addiction, you may have some issues with dependency. 

I sought psychological help earlier this year for similar circumstances, fearful of 30+ year partner with depression, thinking that I would get help to manage his behavior better and finding instead that it was my own behavior which I had to deal with. I now have my own goals and new behavior management tools to manage my own anxiety. 

I have not decided yet whether I will stay in the relationship or not. It will depend how my partner responds as I pursue my own goals. He only started being treated a few years back because I threatened to leave him if he did not seek help. 

Its not easy. But it might be useful for you to see a therapist and talk through your own situation.

Best wishes,

Mulberry.

[flissa99]

OMG I thought it was just me and mine, My partner is verbally mean and arrogant with me and I cant argue with him I also cant talk to him. he is on medication and gave up weed thank god but then I found that beer also made him bad tempered, irritable and irritated with me and at times even violent so he gave that up too, but sometimes his behaviour and antics just get the better of me and I am in a constant state of anxiety and stressed about what to say or do.  Like you I love him and want to support him no matter what but it gets so so tough sometimes.

I have tried to tell him of the effect his behaviour has on me but he wont listen and continues to do it anyway. like you I'm so tired, I know some of this is also just his personality as well but some days I wish he would just go away and others I'm glad he hasn't.

Mine wont see a psychologist or go to treatment groups, at times he just point blank refuses to believe some of his problems are because of depression and blames me the only support person he has and the only one who knows him inside and out and still loves him and stays despite his problems.