Depressed boyfriend pushing me away and feels like a burden

[WorriedPartner]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. In that time we have lived and travelled together, and even gone engagement ring shopping. We are extremely close.

He has always been honest that he has struggled with depression, but since we met he has largely controlled his moods with his medication.

However, he is in a very dark place right now. He is back overseas with his family, so I am happy he is in a safe environment, and he plans to move back in two months if he is managing his depression well.

The issue is he is pushing me away. I've tried to learn everything about depression so I don't say the wrong thing, as he can say extremely hurtful things to me and lash out in anger, telling me that I don't understand and I am 'accusing him'. He doesn't want to talk to anyone, including me, and I feel selfish for being so upset. I understand he cannot help his disease but he tells me he is a burden on me and he is bringing me down. I assure him he isn't, and I will wait for him and help in anyway I can.

I know he is the love of my life and I told him I wasn't going anywhere. However, it is really hard to support him when we are in different countries. I can't just sit there and hold him like he tells me helps.

I feel every day he pushes me away more. I even asked him if it was easier we take time apart so he can focus on himself (which broke my heart to write as it is not what I want), and he said no, he wanted to be with me, but that he needs time to figure out how to get better on his own (which I understand).

I feel incredibly selfish for being so upset that I have lost my support and my best friend into such a dark hole. I am feeling alone, unsupported and as though I am carrying this relationship on my own. I know this is not what he wants for himself, I just feel helpless/at a breaking point because it's so hard to comfort someone who is a shell, especially when they are far away.

I tell him I'm here when he is ready, but I really feel like I've lost the person I love so much and I am starting to feel down myself. My family worry that I am too young (early 20s) to be dealing with this, but I know we are in love and I cannot give up on him, because he never would on me (and has been the most loving man to me during the good times).

Will he come back to before? How can I support and love him when he is far away?

Thank you so much for reading. I would appreciate any advice as this is something I have never experienced.

[Doolhof]

Hi WP,

Depression and other mental health issues are very difficult.

In one way I guess it is comforting to here from your boyfriend's family, on the other hand that must be really tough as well.

Do you have people who you can talk to face to face when you are feeling rotten? Do you have family or friends you can catch up with for a coffee and a chat, or a movie?

It must be difficult to concentrate on your studies, are you managing okay? Do you forget about your problems while you are studying? I find when I am busy I forget things I was depressed about.

All of those emotions and feelings you are experiencing are normal. For me, I need to acknowledge those emotions and try to get them under control or at least accept they are there.

My husband and I were both having a terrible depression day recently. I had enough, so went out to the car and drove off. That was my way of coping. I actually tried to sleep in the car but soon became very cold once the sun went down, so I returned home at 11.00 p.m.

Depression can make people do silly things and see life very differently.

Thanks for getting back to me/us. You are always welcome to share your thoughts and feelings here.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[Nikkir]

Hello WorriedPartner,

I lost the other thread somehow so hope you get this. i really appreciate you writing back. Have you heard from him? As i said before I think you should get some counselling and support for yourself or a referral because it is how it is affecting you that worries me. You really won't know what is going on until he has a diagnosis, I know one thing about BPD from my experience generally they don't like to let go of relationships and be alone even if they tell the person 100 times they hate them they usually really fear being alone so again, you need to know what you are dealing with or he does at least. This is the website I use for BPD but as I said my person was diagnosed with it at 15 and definately has it.

http://www.bpdaustralia.com/

I can understand how it is hard to weigh up the good and the bad and have mixed feelings including resentment, I think given the experiences that you have had it would be normal to have mixed emotions. You need to decide what is good enough for you. I saw a post of facebook this morning ( not the best source of facts). however, it had an old indian guy and said. "if it hurts and it doesn't feel right, its not love dear." or something like that and I smiled at all the times I wished I had known that. Anyway at the moment there is no relationship so focus on you and setting boundaries and maybe writing a list of what you need and then if he does come back you won't be so shaken, you will have some responses and direction. I really do understand and feel for you but I also know you have to take charge of this for yourself 🙂 Best Wishes Nikkir x

[MadameCholet]

Hi WP,

I was reading your story with your ex-boyfriend & couldn't help but see so much resemblance to my ex-boyfriend & I. My ex moved out of our home about a month ago now & has very rarely been in touch, with the times when we have spoken he has been extremely cruel with his words to the point that it makes me question the validity of his claims, causing me to have high levels of anxiety, loss of appetite & insomnia. Another cause is hearing from mutual friends how he is behaving & pretending like nothing is wrong, yet there are also things he says & does to those closest to him which sounds like cries for help from someone who doesn't know where to start.

My best piece of advice is to look after yourself, seek help from a psychologist if you feel up to it, talk to online & phone counsellors, talk to friends & family but remember they are not trained in handling these type of situations so you may need to take what they say with a grain of salt; they are only humans who care for you after all 🙂 Definitely try exercising even if only for 30 minutes a day like walking, I found it difficult to do the first 2 weeks after he had moved out but now I look forward to my evening constitutionals with my dog. If your feelings & emotions are too overwhelming, then please tell your GP who may be able to prescribe medication to assist you in this difficult time, and can even give you a referral to a psychologist.

Have you heard from your ex-partner? If not, don't lose hope! Just continue to focus on you & try to keep yourself occupied as much as possible. Please know that you aren't alone with the way you feel or the thoughts you have, these are completely rational for what you're going through; I know because I feel exactly the same way.

Remain strong, you can get through this & please stay in touch!