Depressed boyfriend pushing me away and feels like a burden

[WorriedPartner]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. In that time we have lived and travelled together, and even gone engagement ring shopping. We are extremely close.

He has always been honest that he has struggled with depression, but since we met he has largely controlled his moods with his medication.

However, he is in a very dark place right now. He is back overseas with his family, so I am happy he is in a safe environment, and he plans to move back in two months if he is managing his depression well.

The issue is he is pushing me away. I've tried to learn everything about depression so I don't say the wrong thing, as he can say extremely hurtful things to me and lash out in anger, telling me that I don't understand and I am 'accusing him'. He doesn't want to talk to anyone, including me, and I feel selfish for being so upset. I understand he cannot help his disease but he tells me he is a burden on me and he is bringing me down. I assure him he isn't, and I will wait for him and help in anyway I can.

I know he is the love of my life and I told him I wasn't going anywhere. However, it is really hard to support him when we are in different countries. I can't just sit there and hold him like he tells me helps.

I feel every day he pushes me away more. I even asked him if it was easier we take time apart so he can focus on himself (which broke my heart to write as it is not what I want), and he said no, he wanted to be with me, but that he needs time to figure out how to get better on his own (which I understand).

I feel incredibly selfish for being so upset that I have lost my support and my best friend into such a dark hole. I am feeling alone, unsupported and as though I am carrying this relationship on my own. I know this is not what he wants for himself, I just feel helpless/at a breaking point because it's so hard to comfort someone who is a shell, especially when they are far away.

I tell him I'm here when he is ready, but I really feel like I've lost the person I love so much and I am starting to feel down myself. My family worry that I am too young (early 20s) to be dealing with this, but I know we are in love and I cannot give up on him, because he never would on me (and has been the most loving man to me during the good times).

Will he come back to before? How can I support and love him when he is far away?

Thank you so much for reading. I would appreciate any advice as this is something I have never experienced.

[geoff]

hello WorriedPartner, it is so hard to want to help someone who is on the other side of the world and aren't quite sure what is actually happening because this will only cause and increase your level of anxiety or what you call worry.
It's important that you don't break up now, because he doesn't want this and still wants you to be in his life.
What I am worried about is whether he has become homesick and if so then his depression is only going to increase, but don't take the point he has said that he is pushing you away, by saying this is what depression is telling him to say, and perhaps he says this so that he won't be homesick, but it won't make any difference, I'm sure he is missing you so much and remember you were looking for an engagement ring, so did he have to go overseas with his family or was he forced to go, there's a big difference between these two situations.
No one is a burden on anyone else if they really want to help their partner or spouse overcome this awful feeling of being depressed and that's exaxctly what you want to do.
Please you should never feel selfish at all and never think that way because that's the beginning for you to get depressed, maybe you are, but I hope that you're not, because there always needs to have one person in any relationship to feel strong enough to help pull their partner/spouse through thi terrible ordeal.
Can I get you to click on 'Get Support' at the top of the page, scroll down until you find 'Information Resources' and then order all the printed material from BB, it's all free but I'm sure the information in this booklet will grearly help you.
Don't feel as though he is pushing you away, although he does say it, it actually doesn't mean that he wants your relationship to end which he has said that he doesn't want it to break, that's his true feeling.
Is he able to come back and if he is the same age as you then he can make up his own mind.
Being in love at your age happens all the time, it also happens to much younger kids, so definitely your feeling for him is so very strong, and to learn about life's difficulties has to start somewhere.
I hope that we can hear back from you. Geoff. x

[Doolhof]

Hi Worried Partner,

Welcome to the community here at BB. Depression is a difficult illness to understand, even for those who are suffering from it. Both my husband and I have depression and other mental health issues. We have been married now for nearly 30 years. We have certainly experienced many highs and lows.

It does sound like you love your boyfriend very much. You mentioned Engagement ring shopping, so are you actually Engaged?

Trying to hold a relationship together over a long distance must be difficult. You mentioned you are reading about depression, that will help you understand a little how he is feeling and also make you aware of your own emotions and thoughts.

Keeping in touch with your boyfriend is important. Tell him about your days, what you are up to as well as how much you love and care for him.

Ensure you have the support of family and friends for yourself. There are phone help lines you can use too if you feel like you need some help and advice.

You can call the Beyond Blue help line on 1300 22 4636. I've used this number a few times. The people answering the phones are very helpful and help me to get my mind back to a better place.

There is a lot of information on this site as well in the resource section. You may find some of that beneficial. There is a section of info on how to assist someone with depression.

It is important for you to carry on with your life, to keep in touch with friends, to still go out and make the most of each day. The better you feel, the more you will be able to support your partner.

Wishing you both all the best,

Cheers for now from Dools

[WorriedPartner]

Hi Geoff,

Thank you so much for your response. Your words have really reassured and helped me.

He has lived in Canada before on his own and was okay, and now Australia with me, and both he and his parents agreed together that he needs to be in Singapore while he gets better, and sadly I agree that is the safest place as his parents can monitor him and they have great family doctors there. He told me he can't tell me how he feels because he doesn't even know how he feels, so I have tried to say the right things. He told me last night he needed to be alone and go for a walk, and I worried all night that he would do something.

Thank you so much for explaining more about the burden/pushing away- it is scary because every time my phone rings I am thinking it will be bad news about him, or that he is telling me he cannot do this anymore, so I have been living on edge for a while.

I really appreciate your suggestion and I am ordering that information pack right now. He tells me he wants to come back very badly, and this is where he is happiest, and he is nearly 24 so he is able to do so if he wishes, so I have hope he will come back if he can get better, but it is just an unstable time right now. I am trying to do everything I can to keep healthy and mentally strong so I can help him as well, and using this forum has helped a lot.

I was thinking of sending a 'care package' type thing to Singapore- with a letter, photos, some of his favourite Australian foods, a nice soft blanket. I didn't want to seem condescending though, and I'm not sure if a depressed person would find this helpful or not. I just feel helpless sitting here so that was an idea, but I also know I can't fight his battle for him as much as I wish I could.

I really do love him and I will do everything I can. I know he is withdrawing from his family just the same as me, and they have contacted me with their worries so they are watching him closely. Thanks again Geoff, you have really helped and just talking this out helps clear my head and keeps me getting through each day.

[WorriedPartner]

Hi Dools,

Thank you so much for replying. I really appreciate it when I am feeling so lost right now. We are not engaged because he is a few years older and I wanted to wait until April when I graduate my law degree, but we had the ring picked out and our place together, so it was sailing towards that direction.

I will definitely keep trying to tell him about my days, I even try and send photos of things that might give him some kind of interest, but his parents rang me and told me he has been sitting listless in his bed for days. They have been monitoring him closely and I know he is safest there with his own healthcare coverage as well for now.

Thank you for reminding me to keep living each day- even exercising was a bit hard today as I am feeling really sad that he is so low, but I know the stronger I am the better I can support him so I am doing everything I possibly can to feel a bit better.

I am feeling incredibly anxious because we usually talk a lot, and he is very distant and almost like a shell right now, so I feel helpless. He told me doesn't even know what he is feeling inside, so I understand he can't really make decisions right now on anything. I also just miss having a normal relationship very much, and I am wishing I could just give him a huge hug.

He wants to move back to Australia in January if he has gotten better, so I am holding onto that thought.

Thanks again Dools, really appreciate your insight.

[WorriedPartner]

Hi Geoff,

My boyfriend broke up with me this afternoon. He says he feels like a burden and he can't even love himself right now. I had told him before this I would give him all the space and time he needed but it wasn't enough.

I am devastated and really shocked. I sent him an email saying I accept his decision but I love him and I want to be there for him, but no reply.

It's left me feeling really dark and sad. This was a huge part of my life. I'm not sure what else to do because the fact he is in another country for now is so scary, I don't know if he is ever coming back. I'm trying to stay strong but I am in denial that he will soon message and tell me he made a mistake, which I know won't happen. I'm very cold right now and can't eat, sleep or even shower. I just am so upset- he said he is so overwhelmed at his own problems that he can't be a good boyfriend to me. I don't care about him being a good boyfriend, I just want to support him as he would for me.

[Dreamwish]

Dear wp

I'm so very sad for you and your partner, being with someone with a mental illness is hard enough without them being in another country as well. With the abruptness of his decision I can't help to think he has caved in to his depressive thoughts, that he feels he is not good enough for you and no matter how much you say its the opposite he is not thinking straight right now. It must be so terribly difficult not knowing what is happening when he is so far away, this is not fair on you at all. You were probably one of the best things in his life. What to do now? I'd like to advise, going and seeing your closest friends and family, talking this all out with them and don't suffer alone at home. Take it slow, keep in touch with him through email and maybe calling in a few days, communication is all you have at the moment, if his decision is truly what he wants and he is actually thinking clearly that he can only get his life in order if he focuses solely on himself right now then that will have to be accepted. You have honestly done everything you could to be there for him and show him your love and support over long distance. You have such a gentle and kind soul you need to take care of yourself now. Tell him you are still there if he'd like to have a friend on his journey but ultimately he really needs to deal with the depression which has taken hold of his young life. There is only so much you can do and you have done it and no one can see the future but he may feel better along the way and come back, who knows what can happen. I hope he is receiving the professional care he desperately needs in his country.

Please take care of yourself right now, you have given so much and been so strong and supportive and loving to someone else for such a long time its time to do that for yourself now, you deserve to be happy too! Wish I could help more, there should be many more people like you in the world it'd be a much better place 🙂

much love and hugs

dreamwish

[WorriedPartner]

Dear Dreamwish,

Thank you so so so much, that helps so much right now when I am feeling so helpless and dark myself.

I know I have to accept this, its just so confusing to go from a very serious relationship to something that ends as soon as he entered a very bad depressive episode. I feel guilty for being so sad the relationship is over when his health should be a priority, and also worried he may do something.

I have told him over and over he is not a burden, and I will step aside while he focusses on himself, but he said he was tired of the world and knowing I was waiting for him was too much energy.

It's extremely sad, I am feeling very numb and lost myself. I am trying to get on with my studies and work, although everything is seeming bleak for now. I know time will make it better.

I really appreciate your help Dreamwish, you really have made me feel better.

[Doolhof]

Dear WP,

I'm so very sorry to read that your partner has decided your relationship is to end. Depression is a very cruel disorder for the person suffering it and for those around a person with a mental illness.

My depression can sink very low at times. When I am like that I want to run away and hide where no one can find me. I want to divorce my husband and just disappear. My crazy mind tells me I can just go and live in an old deserted house in the bush or just get in the car and keep driving forever.

These are not rational thoughts.

Your partner is obviously in a really bad place right now. Are you still hearing from his family?

Once again you need to care for yourself in all of this. It is important to do so. You can be concerned for your partner and feel grief for the loss of your relationship at the same time.

You can call some of the phone help lines like the one here at Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636. I have used this number myself a few times.

It is understandable you feel so many different emotions right now.

If it helps, please share more of how you feel here as people do care.

Thinking of you from Mrs. Dools

[WorriedPartner]

Hi Mrs Dools,

Thanks so much again, your words and shared experiences are very helpfu.

I hear from his sister quite often, and his mum sometimes, they are a great family but I'm not really sure of how he is doing mentally right now. His grandfather passed away a few days ago and they reached out to me but I haven't heard anything from him at all.

It is very hard and I miss him very much. I'm trying to keep focussing on my studies and my own life but I feel a mix of emotions- frustration, sadness, anger, helplessness. It is a really tough disease.

Thanks again for all your help.