Cranky, pregnant, wife, mother and carer

[lovelea]

I have been with my partner for almost 5 years but we have known each other since high school in fact we were high school sweethearts.

He has suffered with severe depression for a very long time and has been medicated for years, I knew this about him when we got together and accepted that we would have our ups and downs because of it, we have, and have always come through the other side.

His depression has been deepening over the past 6 or so months and three weeks ago he walked out on his job, went to bed and stayed there for 4 days, I managed to get him to the doctor and subsequently to a psychiatrist but things are just getting worse and I cant seem to muster the energy to be as supportive as I need to be.

We have a 2 year old daughter, I am 27 weeks pregnant we also have 2 sons each to our previous relationships that we have on a part time basis (yes, 6 in total), I work part time but don't earn enough to cover rent by myself and I don't know if he intends on returning to work.

I am trying to keep everything afloat, keep up with the house, feed us, keep focus at work, be an active positive parent to the boys, look after unborn babies health and stay in a happy place for our daughter.

I am SO exhausted!

I cry in the car to and from work but that doesn't seem to help. He does nothing to help me out and blames me for so much, he wont communicate with me and I feel myself slowly withdrawing from him which I know is probably the worst thing I can do for his health.

I have had a previous preemie baby and am so scared of the stress inducing labour I have had some minor contractions that have luckily settled, even if the baby comes late I don't know how I am going to cope.

I know I need to be supportive and help guide him out of this but I am so angry with him for bailing on me right now.

I always tell him we are a team and we work through stuff together but I feel like I am out on the field on my own at the moment and there is no one on the bench.

I am sorry I don't have a question I just really needed to vent.

We have been dealing with depression for a long time now, but still don't really understand it. I do know I hate it!

[Starwolf]

Hi Lovelea, a warm welcome to you.

Thank you for sharing your story and thoughts with us. There is a lot resting on your shoulders right now...it is no surprise that it is taking its toll.

Well done for working as a team with your husband throughout the challenging years. Caring for someone suffering mental health problems is a difficult task. You have been doing a terrific job. But now, both of you are in need of help. Working as a team is no longer a possibility at this point in time.

You are the priority here, as -without your continuing hard work and dedication- the situation could deteriorate further. So please take good care of your own needs. I suggest a talk with a GP and also that you contact a social service to learn what assistance is available in your area. Your husband may need to go into respite care for a while. Some of the load must be taken off your shoulders. None of us can do Superwoman. Attractive as she may be, she's a fantasy.

If you scroll down to the bottom of this page, you will find useful info under "Supporting Someone". There is also a Carers section in these forums.

Venting is a therapy in itself, but sometimes a practical solution to everyday concerns is needed as well. I hope one can be found soon. You need a well deserved break.

[Dr_Kim]

Hi lovelea, listening to your story makes me wonder who is supporting you. I agree that your husband who has depression needs support himself, and you are trying to get a support group around him via his doctor and psychiatrist. But who is supporting you?

I wonder about your extended families. Are there any people who you can explain the situation to, and ask for some help with respect to managing your household or children? Or even managing to encourage your husband to seek and maintain help for his depression?

If not, you may have to go back to your GP and ask them if there are community agencies will be able to provide you with help with childcare, housework or financial support during what I think will be a challenging year ahead.

Please don't blame yourself, or feel that you are somehow being weak or not a good wife for feeling angry and frustrated with this situation. It sounds to me like you have tried really hard to be a good wife and mother, but we all know that depression is not rational and I am sure that your husband doesn't want to hurt you or the children with his illness.

The other thing you need to do is keep venting! Use this forum or any other place as venting can really help us to feel that at least somebody knows we're out here trying our best.

[lovelea]

Thank you so much for your replies, it is nice to know there are people out there who really understand what challenges carers face.

As it goes with this daemon we have good days and bad and this one is a little better than the last, knowing that will change I will take today and be grateful for it.

I made a very conscious decision on the way home from work last night to gather my strength and give some to him. A small touch on his back as he walked past just to let him know I am here, I made his fav dinner and talked about work. It doesn't seem like much but I find it can make a big difference as he doesn't feel so alone and I feel somewhat normal.

I also had him take our daughter to bed because that connection is so important for the both of them, I have to stop doing everything and give him things to be proud of I guess it takes a melt down to realise it.

Thanks again for the support it really is helpful, I have taken it all on board and will be proactive this week trying to remove some of the burden, I'll let you know how I go.

[Doolhof]

Hi Lovelea,

Reading your post exhausted me, let alone trying to live as you are living right now.

You have received some wonderful replies here.

I admire that you are still trying to love and care for the whole family and finding ways especially to help your partner.

Hopefully in all of your busyness you will be able to find the time to pamper yourself.

Reach out for what ever help is available to you, as you certainly deserve it.

Hopefully sharing how you are feeling has helped. Venting certainly can be very beneficial, and this is a very safe and caring place to do so.

Wishing you all the strength you need right now, Cheers from Mrs. Dools