Confused about the future with my depressed partner

[Pinky_]

My partner of 5 years was diagnosed with depression about two years ago on a standard appointment with his family doctor. He was confused by the diagnosis as he did not feel sad and asked me not to tell anyone. His doctor said that depression can manifest itself in other ways and because some of the other member of his family have anxiety he needs to keep an eye on himself. We have always had an amazing relationship with no problems and knew that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together.

About a year ago he was showing symptoms of anxiety and at one point had to go to hospital as he suffered a panic attack at work. He has always been the kindest, most loving person that would do anything for me. This year, and in particular the last 6 months have been the most challenging of our relationship. Not really knowing what the symptoms of depression were I was confused by the sudden irritability and moodiness I would encounter when I would see him. I knew he had been having sleep problems for quiet a while and I encouraged him to see a doctor about it but he didn't want to. He would normally be so on top of his health and want to see a doctor but not anymore. I ended up reading up on depression and found that he had almost every symptom. I addressed it with him and he said that there was nothing wrong and that he was just changing as a person. I also spoke to his siblings and they were concerned that something might be wrong as well.

He has been questioning our future together recently saying that he is concerned that we are getting old (we are only 28) and that nothing has changed in our relationship. I addressed the depression topic again with him but he insisted that there was nothing wrong and if he thought there was he would go a see someone. He has been putting unnecessary pressure on himself and recently changed jobs for this reason. He wanted to take a break from the relationship and has now decided that he thinks we should break up but couldn't give me a clear reason why. He said that he loves me and it is so hard for him to do this to me. I know that he has been drinking almost every night and I recently found out that he has been trying to get drugs and is taking sleeping pills.

I don't know where to go from here. I have done a lot of reading to educate myself and I know that he has to realise there is a problem and I also need to look after myself. I just want him to know that I am there for him. How else can I help?

[Pinky_]

Dear Geoff, no there was no abuse involved, just the loss of a sibling and as a result his mum went into a depression for about 9 months and he and his siblings basically had to look after themselves cause his father was working. I think he would have been about 6 at the time.

The family has never really dealt with what happened as I said and never had councilling. His parents are lovely but I feel that his mum in particular does not want to accept that he has depression because of her own experience and maybe she feels guilty for giving it to him in a way because the problem was never dealt with originally. 

Thank you for all you advice, I really do appreciate your support. As I said it's hard for me to accept the breakup because he couldn't give me a reasonable answer other than nothing had changed in our relationship. We had always talked about getting married and having kids but he suddenly changed his mind in the last two months. He was very emotional when we were having the breakup conversation and just wanted to consol me as I was upset too and tell me how much he loved me and that he was sorry. 

Its so hard for me to see him like this and I'm frustrated that his parents aren't being much help to him. I know however that all I can really do is still contact him occassionaly so that he knows that I am there.

P x